She Thinks her Husband is a Hypocrite

Dear Aunt Dara,

I have a husband who is leading a Christian recovery program and in his spare alone time, he watches violent non-rated movies.  Yesterday he seemed to be acting distant, so I checked his Netflix account and saw that he had watched a movie with female nudity.  He and I have been married for almost 7 years, but he's hardly affectionate to me.  The only time he ever reached out to hold me while in bed was when there was an earthquake, and he wanted me to be calm.  That was within the first two months of our marriage.  The only time he sits next to me and puts his arm around me is in church.  I'm so mad at him.  How can he watch these evil movies, and actually allow his eyes to look at those other women.  Yuck!  I know I'm fat, but it's still not right!  I feel like he's a hypocrite for marrying me and then not even showing me affection or that he treasures me.  Actually, he watched prostitution movies before on my Netflix account, so I cancelled it and he soon opened his own account. 

A tough thing is that I've had boyfriends in the past who simply slow-danced with me, and actually happily read a Bible together with me, and wanted to speak with me about dreams and goals.  Those memories make it hard for me to be satisfied today.  I feel as if we're taking turns playing video games and going through evil motions of wasting time.  I'm actually a co-leader with him in the recovery group, and I don't want to go back when I see what he chooses to watch in his spare time.  Do you have any suggestion on what I should do?

Sincerely,

Disillusioned Wife

Dear Disillusioned Wife,

I have never taken this long to reply to a letter before, so I ask your forgiveness for my delay.  I know that I have some things to say to you that may be very hard for you to hear, so please forgive me if my reply may seem to be blunt, or even harsh.  Please understand that my intention is to be helpful, not hurtful.

It is obvious that what you are doing to try to change your husband isn’t working, so it’s time for a new strategy:  Change yourself.  Let me explain.

Your anger and behavior toward your husband are counterproductive to improving your marriage.  Furthermore, you are playing with fire when you think about former boyfriends who seemed to be more affectionate and loving toward you than your husband is.  You must get these other men out of your mind or your thoughts will poison what relationship you still have with your husband, as will your angry thoughts toward him regarding his choice to participate in ungodly entertainment.  Your husband obviously is not listening to you when you try to get him to stop viewing unsuitable material, and he may view your efforts to get him to stop as being controlling and manipulative.  He needs to reach the decision to change his behavior on his own, and repentance can only occur if he has godly sorrow for doing things that displease God (2 Corinthians 7:10).  Otherwise, even if he does stop, he would just be doing it to get you to stop criticizing him (which is why he does these things in secret).  Does your husband even acknowledge that he is participating in sinful entertainment?  I encourage you pray for him and solicit assistance from your church leaders to teach him how to live a more pure life. 

I also recommend that you change your behavior and attitude toward your husband by focusing on his strengths, treating him with respect and kindness, and being affectionate toward him rather than being hurt and upset because he isn’t affectionate toward you.  Do not harbor any negative thoughts toward your husband, but treat him the way that you want to be treated (Matthew 7:12).  Strive to become a woman of meek and gentle spirit who loves her husband (1 Peter 3:1-6), and let God change your husband.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Younger Woman Dating an Older Man

Dear Aunt Dara,

I am 26 years old and have been dating a 45-yr-old man for two years.  We love each other very much and would like to get married in the near future.  He is divorced with two children.  He's a very good father to his children and I know he'll make a good husband.  We are both Christians.  We get along very well, share similar interest and goals, and appear to be compatible.  I'm Nigerian but have been living in the states since I was 17.  My parents still live in Nigeria.  The problem is my parents want me to end the relationship with him because of our age difference and the fact that he has been divorced and has two children.  My dad referred to him as "second hand" because he's been divorced and says he will never give me to marriage to him.  My parents say he will divorce me too.  My dad referenced the Bible that God hates divorce.  My dad said he does not feel at peace with our relationship and he has been praying for me.  They are worried that I'll bring shame to them and people will talk about it.  The main issues that my parents have with him are his age, divorced and two children.

I have been praying about our relationship because I knew it was going to be challenging.  I have prayed for God's guidance and discernment in helping me to make a good decision that will honor God.  He has been praying also.  I have often felt afraid of him passing before me because he's much older.  The thought of being without him hurts, but with prayer I've been able to deal with it.

I love my parents and do not want to disappoint them.  I've always done what they wanted but I'm at a point where I don't want to end the relationship and I don't think my parents will ever change their minds.  I also feel I cannot live my life for them or for the Nigerian culture and what people back home would think or say.  I feel torn.  What do I do?

Younger Woman

Dear Younger Woman,

First of all, I want to commend you on the mature way that you are approaching this.  Obviously the two of you love God and each other, and you are seeking God’s guidance.  I really believe that your parents have your best interest in mind more than their concern about what others will think.  They want you to make a wise decision and believe that marriage to an older, divorced man with children will ultimately be a mistake.  It is natural for parents to feel this way and they believe they are giving you wise counsel.  The Bible instructs us to listen to our parents (Proverbs 13:1), but that doesn’t mean that our parents are always right and that adult children should always do what their parents say.  You must do what God is leading you to do.

That being said, your parents do have some valid concerns.  God intends for marriage to be a lifetime covenant (Mark 10:2-10).  When a couple marries, they are taking a solemn vow to God that they will be committed to each other for life.  To break a vow to God is a very serious matter (Deuteronomy 23:21-23).  The Bible does say that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), but God also forgives sin and wants us to stop committing sin.  So, if this man marries you, will he fulfill his vow to God by making a lifetime commitment to you?  What were the reasons behind his divorce?  What did he learn from his failed marriage?  What changes is he making to avoid repeating a painful past?  Consider very carefully that the person that you marry will have a profound affect on your life and your eternal destiny.  Will this man help you to get to heaven?  I’m sure that these questions trouble your parents.

Your parents also have concerns about his having children, and for good reason because the children will have an impact on your marriage.  Divorce is never good for children.  Divorce can be very harmful to children.  Even having a good father and a good step-mother cannot compensate for children not being raised in an intact home with both biological parents.  How do his children feel about you?  How do they feel about your relationship with their father?  How old are the children?  If the children are not grown yet, with whom do they live and what are the custody and child support arrangements?  These are but a few of the factors that will have an impact on your marriage.

Finally, there are problems with large age differences in a couple.  (Please refer to my post on January 4, 2011 titled “She’s Old Enough to be His Mother.”)  There is a strong likelihood that he might pass on before you do, but the possibility of widowhood should not keep you from living the life that God wants you to have now.  Keep praying for God’s guidance and do what God wants you to do.  I will keep praying for you, too.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

Leisure Activities for Christian Youth

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I lived a typical "born in a Christian family" environment until Christ called me to the evangelical community.  Although I accepted myself as that, until recently I was frequently devoting myself to more and more satanic-underlain activities.  Now, after a recent retreat, God called me to live a more holy life-style.  I've managed to cut out video/computer games, secular music, and re-vamped my drawing style, but now I find myself struggling to find things to fill my time.  As much as I love to read the Bible and pray, are there any activities that I could do without turning from God and would still be benefiting God? 

And at the same time, I've recently found myself in a relationship.  It's with a 15-year-old that I met through the church.  He's been through his share of hardships, and now devotes himself to God as I do.  However, both of us are introverts, so I fear that we'll quickly become awkward around one another.  Mostly, though, my concern is that we'll distract each other from God or do things displeasing to God.  Do you have any advice or pointers for us?

Sincerely,

Teenage Revelator

Dear Teenage Revelator,

Congratulations on your decision to turn from activities that draw you away from God and deciding to re-dedicate your life to God.  You will be tempted to return to unholy activities, but keep your eyes fixed on Jesus and let Him lead you into wholesome, godly activities that will keep you on the right path.  There are many activities that a Christian young person can do to bring them closer to God.  Here’s a brief list: Become active in a church youth group, get involved in service activities at your church, volunteer in community service activities (ask your youth pastor or teacher for ideas about opportunities in your community), find something nice or special to do for someone, listen to Christian music, read books by Christian authors, attend a week at a Christian youth camp.  Other activities that Christian teens can do to occupy their time and counteract boredom are: Get involved in sports, exercise, play games, read books, do some research and become an expert in some topic that interests you, learn a foreign language, write poetry or stories, work puzzles, grow a garden, learn to sew, learn to paint or sculpt, learn to play a musical instrument, learn to cook and/or bake, or develop some other hobby that interests you.  As a last resort you could ask your parents or grandparents to tell you stories about their childhood. (Well, maybe not that one.)

Regarding your concerns about how you and your boyfriend may influence each other, avoid being alone with him to reduce temptations.  Get him involved in doing some of the things listed above with you and do things as a group, even though that may be challenging for you as introverts.  Above all, cultivate your relationship with God in addition to Bible study, prayer, and church attendance.  Know that God is always with you, He knows everything about you, He loves you completely, and you can trust Him completely (Psalm 139).  Fall in love with God, and Satan won’t be able to draw you away (James 4: 7-8).

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Unsure about Relationship Because Boyfriend Focuses on Business Matters

Dear Aunt Dara,

I met a wonderful Christian man online.  We have been talking 4 months.  We live in different states but talk by phone daily and he has come to visit me once.  We plan to see each other again in July.  We were born exactly one day apart the same year, so sometimes I feel I am talking to my twin.  We get along great.  We inspire each other and he has all the qualities I want in a man.

Here is the issue: We have begun to get involved in a couple of businesses together and all he seems to want to talk about is business and making money.  I love the friendship we are building, but I'm not sure if he is still romantically interested.  I seem to be the only one to change the subject, and I noticed I am the one initiating our getting together.  I invited him see me both times.  When I asked him last week when I would see him again, he said he was "waiting for an invitation."  I initiate all of our dates on Skype.  I feel I am chasing him and did not realize it until now.  He always responds with enthusiasm when I suggest getting together, but I think I have gone too far.  I need to know his real intentions toward me and the future and cannot seem to find the words.  Why is it so hard? 

Sincerely,

Needing Help for a Long-Distance Christian Romance 

Dear Long Distance Romance, 

I think that it is hard for you to find the right words to see if he is still romantically interested in you because you have hopes that he is, but fear that he may not be. When reading your letter, it is difficult to get a feel of your relationship. Is it a romantic relationship, a friendship, a business partnership, or some combination of those three? Women usually feel more comfortable talking about relationships than do men. Perhaps a non-threatening way to approach the topic is to ask, "What is your vision for our future?" If his answer focuses on the business relationship, that should tell you something.

I hope this helps.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

Difficulty Forgetting Boyfriend’s Past Sexual Behavior

Dear Aunt Dara,  

Let me just start off by explaining that I have a very strong Christian faith and have firm morals that I stick to and always have stuck to.  What I mean by that is I believe in abstinence, and I am pure and intend to stay that way until marriage.  My boyfriend is also a godly man and wants to wait to have sex until marriage.  However, just a few months ago before he and I were together, he lost his virginity to a woman he wasn't even dating, and before that he lived a life full of oral sex and hanging around slutty women.

His past has just come up in our relationship and it really bothers and disturbs me that he lived that type of lifestyle, and especially since it was so recent.  I am so bothered by this that I will cry about it for hours and it breaks my heart to know that if he and I were to get married, he would always be my first and my only, but I would always be the last on the list for him.

His past isn't something that he thinks is not a big deal and just brushes off his shoulder.  He very much regrets losing his virginity and it kills him to see how hurt I am over it all.  It helps me that he at least regrets those decisions and has now developed a good set of morals and a closer relationship with God after going through that and hating himself for it, but it still does not erase his past which is what I wish could happen.  I know that this life of his is in the past and people say to never judge a person based on their past, but it was so recent and I just cannot bring myself to approve of it and overcome it at the moment.  One day I will feel so in love with this man and want to marry him, and then the next day I will think about this and feel that I don't want this in a husband.

What do you suggest I do to try to overcome this?  If it bothers me this badly, do I break up with him although I’m already invested in our relationship?  Or are there steps that I, or we, can take to help me move past this?  Any help would be very much appreciated!

Sincerely,

In Love with the Un-pure

Dear In Love with the Un-pure, 

Several things stood out to me as I read your letter multiple times.  You said that your boyfriend is “a godly man who wants to wait to have sex until marriage.”  You said that he “lived a life full of oral sex” and then he “lost his virginity to a woman he wasn’t even dating” and he “very much regrets losing his virginity.”  You said, “It kills him to see how hurt I am over it,” and twice you said, “It was so recent.”  Additionally, you said that you cannot bring yourself to approve of it. 

 

First of all, one should never approve of sinful behavior!  Furthermore, God does not distinguish which types of sexual activity constitute fornication.  Oral sex is still sex.  He lost his virginity long before his actions led to penetration with the other woman.  You indicate that he regrets the incident involving penetration, but does he regret having lived a life full of oral sex?  Furthermore, does he regret his actions because he knows they were sins against God, or does he regret his actions because it kills him to see how hurt you are over it all?  To put it plainly and simply, godly men do not live a lifestyle full of sinful actions that displease God.  You say that he now has “developed a good set of morals and a closer relationship with God,” and that may be true, but only time can tell.  However, you should not automatically assume that if you marry him you will be his next and his last, no matter what he promises you.   

At the heart of your concerns is not how to put this behind, but rather how you can go forward with this man.  You are correct in being concerned that “it was so recent,” because it was just a few months ago and you have only been together for a short time.  True repentance is evident by consistency over time.  Give this relationship several more months to observe his behavior for evidence that he truly has become a godly man.  Consider, too, that if a man wants to win a woman’s heart, he can say and do anything that he believes she wants to hear.  Then after he thinks that the woman is committed to him, he will stop trying to woo and impress her and will let his true self come out.  (Women can do the same thing when they are trying to win a man’s heart.)  That is why so many new marriages fail because people have rushed into marriage before they have had time to get to know the real person behind the charming persona.  Then they wake up some morning and think, “Where is the person I married?  He changed!”  To prevent that, it’s best not to marry anyone until you have been together for at least a year.  If, after a year, he has demonstrated godly morals and character, if he has become the kind of man that you would feel comfortable having as a husband and father for your children, then it will be much easier to forget his past and to trust him when he promises that he will always be faithful to you.

Finally, you are crying a lot because you are grieving the loss of your dream to have a husband who is sexually pure.  Remember that the Bible says, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new”
(II Corinthians 5:17).  The blood of Christ cleanses us from all sin, just as if it never happened.  It is possible to have a good marriage with someone who has an impure past, but has repented of his sin and is living a life pleasing to God.  However, don’t rush into anything until your boyfriend has proved the sincerity of his repentance and has earned your trust. 

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Sexual Temptation is Becoming Too Great

Dear Aunt Dara,  

Short story: How do my boyfriend/soon-to-be fiancé and I quell our increasing desire for each other, at least until we're married?

Long story: I am 18.  I have been with my boyfriend since junior high, we are both Christians, and we really strive to have a God-centered relationship.  We occasionally study the Bible together or pray together when life problems arise, and we're very open about our faith between the two of us.  We're so lucky to have each other.  We met at church, though we're in the middle of church switching right now so we don't have anyone to talk to about this.  After our freshman year of college is over, we're getting married (and continuing college of course—we both want a Ph.D.).  It's pretty much agreed upon among the family, and all we have to do is stage a proposal (of course it's no surprise, after pretty much growing up together all these years).  But that is a little over a year away, and our desire for intimacy with each other is getting a bit out of hand.  Of course, we would never even consider premarital sex, but the wait is about to kill us.  It really just intensified this last year, and we seriously have no idea what to do about it.  Every time we are together it's a struggle to keep our boundaries, which we've even relaxed over the years.  (At this point, we're not going to freak out if we're too close to each other or if kissing might involve a little tongue. Seriously.)  We just really want to be close to each other, but we can't.  We find ourselves thinking about sex with the other person WAY MORE THAN WE SHOULD, and way more than we ever have.  At one time or another we've even both tried porn (and left very disturbed, guilty, and disappointed, because obviously simple sexual gratification isn't what we're looking for).  It's like the years have worn on our will and the threads are slowly snapping one by one.  We've already had two or three "incidents,” and neither of us have ever considered ourselves lusty or sexually charged people, even him (and he's a guy)!  We're both miserable about it all.  I really love him and he really loves me, so we really want to respect each other.  We both really love God, so we really want to do what is right, but it's getting to the point that sitting in the same room with him is like sitting in the same room with a giant plate of spaghetti after having not eaten for two days, and I imagine he would describe similar or worse feelings.  Help! 

High School Sweetheart 

Dear High School Sweetheart,

I wish I had the answer for taking away the sexual desire that you and your boyfriend have for each other, but I do not.  God created us as humans and sexual desires are a part of His plan for us as humans.  However, we need to control our sexual desires and use them as God intended.  I know that you are aware of God's will in this regard and want to remain pure until marriage.  The temptations must be hard to bear, and there are no easy solutions. 

1. You could move up the wedding date, but that is not a recommended solution.  You are young and have several years of college ahead of you.
2. You could avoid seeing each other, but that might not be desirable or practical. 
3. You could avoid being alone with him, but that is probably not what either of you would want.

It appears as if your desire for each other has surpassed your desire for God.  The closer you are to God, the easier it will be to manage temptations.  Jesus is the best example for handling temptation.  He knew the scriptures, He had a close relationship with God, and He spent a great amount of time in prayer.  All those things together helped Him to resist Satan’s temptations (Matthew 4: 1-11).  Therefore, here are my best suggestions: 

1. Increase your Bible study time together (you might consider studying 1 Corinthians 6: 9-20).
2. Pray together more often than just when life’s problems arise.  Make joint prayer a common thing.  Pray individually before you see each other.  If sexual desires begin flooding your mind when you are together, pray some more.
3. If temptations begin to take over and you are afraid that you might go too far, you may have to physically separate yourselves until your passions cool.  

I hope these suggestions are helpful, and I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Marriage Would Mean Having to Live Far Away from Her Parents

Dear Aunt Dara,

I really need some advice.  I have a unique situation that I haven't been able to get answers on.  I'm a 34-year-old woman who has been dating a wonderful man for two years.  I have waited a long time to meet someone like him and we have recently talked about getting married.  Before I met him, I joined the military and when I got out, I thought about moving closer to family (they are 1000 miles away on the East coast).  I met my boyfriend in the middle of this decision.  At that time, I prayed about it and decided that this was the right guy to date seriously.  My boyfriend has a young son that he wants to be around and cannot move anywhere for 11 years, which is understandable.  He says he wouldn't mind moving but needs to be close to his son until he graduates high school.  Now, he may not move to my hometown but anywhere we go where I could drive to see family would be great.  So I am thinking if we get married, I will be here for a while.  For the most part, I don't think of home a lot, but I'm usually sad when I go to visit my family and have to leave them.  At my age, I feel as if I shouldn't get homesick.  I am not dependent on my family but we are very close.

My question is, should I stay here with him or move back?  If I were married, there would be no question where I should be, but for right now we are just dating.  I want to be with him, but I think about my parents.  I know I need to live my life, but I think about how my parents are in their 60's and 70's and would love to have me around.  They don't have much money and visit when they can, which is on average once every three to four years.  I visit two times a year, so as long as I’m saving money, I can get back to see them.  Seeing them for a week or two twice a year just doesn’t seem to be enough to cure my homesickness, and if we get married, I could be seeing them less than that.  One day I’m happy to be here with my boyfriend, and the next day I miss my family.  People I have gotten advice from tell me getting married means to leave my mother and father, and then some say to me, “How could you just leave your aging parents?”  I feel torn.  I don't know if I am struggling with this because I will be a step-mother and a wife all at the same time, or because I know I will have to be far from family, possibly for good.  It's just a lot of change.  Maybe I just need to grow up, but I'm struggling with it all.  I have prayed about it and have no idea what God wants me to do.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!  Thanks. 

Homesick and in Love 

Dear Homesick, 

It’s understandable that you feel torn between wanting to live closer to your parents and yet wanting to be with your boyfriend (and possible future husband) who needs to live closer to his family.  The people who try to advise you on what you should do mean well, but they do not know what is right and best for you, so don’t let their comments make you feel guilty.  You are wise in seeking God’s will in this matter, and I pray that you receive His answer soon.  Here are some things to consider when you pray for guidance: 

Are you sure that God wants you to marry this man?  If so, when does God want you to marry him?  I think that this needs to be settled first, because the question of where to live seems to hinge on whether you marry him.  If you decide to marry, your priority should be to your husband.  There will be times when you will feel torn between wanting to be nearer to your aging parents and needing to maintain your marriage and the family that you are making with him.  Are you prepared to place your husband first, even if that could mean that you may not be able to do everything for your parents that you would like to do? 

If you decide to put your parents first rather than marrying, consider that God did not intend for the parent-child relationship to be the primary focus when children become adults.  That is why He instituted marriage and it is in our best interest to establish our own families, separate from our parents (Genesis 2: 18-25).  Also, you will likely live for decades after your parents have passed on.  It’s much easier to cope with the loss of your parents if you have a loving, supportive spouse (Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12).

I don’t think there is anything unusual about your homesickness.  You love your parents and you miss them.  That is why you become sad when you visit them and then have to leave.  Those feelings will never change, no matter how old you are.  Your parents most likely feel sad when your visits are over, and they probably wish you were living closer to them.  They love you and they miss you.  However, most parents want whatever is best for their children, even if it means that they must live 500, 1000, 2000 or more miles apart.  Parents want their children to be well and happy, regardless of how far apart they are or how often they get to see them.  Your parents want you to be happy, so if you have a husband who loves you, who treats you well, and you are happy living with him, your parents will adjust to your living far away.   

God bless,

Aunt Dara