Integrating Compassion with the Wisdom of God’s Word


The purpose of Aunt Dara’s Christian Advice Column is to glorify God by addressing human needs with compassion and the wisdom of God’s word.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Is Her Marriage Built on Lies?

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I've been married about two months.  I am 19 soon to be 20 and my husband is 22.  We are expecting a baby in a few months and I love my husband very much.  We got married because we knew we were right for each other and the baby just sped up our marriage date.

Here's the problem.  Ever since we've gotten married, my husband has been acting more and more like a child than a grown man!  And today he got tired of me and just left the house in my car.  I've called him 5 times today and texted once and he ignored me!  To top it off, he left his i-pod at home today and I looked through his messages (which I know was wrong).  He has been messaging his child's mother (who doesn't know he's married) very often and there are messages with lots of hearts and smiley faces.  They even say they love each other or they miss each other!  One said that they wished the relationship could have worked out!  These messages were sent a couple of months to a month before we were to get married.  What should I do?  I've been praying and asking God for spiritual growth for the both of us and protection of our marriage, but I feel that my husband's faith is stagnant.  The messages make me feel that our marriage is built on lies. 

Feeling Deceived and Defeated 

Dear Deceived and Defeated,

As I read your letter, I have to wonder just how committed your husband is to you and your marriage.  It seems a little strange that he was sending these types of messages to another woman so shortly before your marriage.  I also wonder how committed you are to making your marriage work, since you seem to be harboring some resentment and negative thoughts about your husband.  Negative thoughts produce negative attitudes, which produce negative behaviors, and ultimately lead to negative outcomes.  Many, many couples divorce because one or both of them begin entertaining negative thoughts about their spouse, focusing on their spouse’s faults, and dwelling on how miserable they feel because their spouse isn’t making them happy. 

However, marriage isn’t about what you get from the other person—it’s about what you give.  Successful marriages are built on honesty, trust, respect, faithfulness, intimacy, kindness, consideration, and affection.  You can’t make your husband give you these things, but you can make a commitment to give these things to your husband.  Furthermore, there is no place for secrecy in marriage, because the Bible says that husband and wife are to become as one (Gen. 2:24, Matthew 19:5).  Ephesians 5:22-33 instructs us in how husbands and wives are to treat each another.  You and your husband need to have a heart-to-heart talk, being totally honest with each other, confessing your faults to each other and forgiving each other.  The two of you need to pray together regularly for spiritual growth and for your marriage.  That child that you will soon be bringing into the world deserves to have two parents who love God and love each other.

Unfortunately, the other woman will always be a part of your lives because she and your husband share a child.  However, your husband must not place himself in a position where he will be tempted into sin, and he should immediately stop communicating with her in secret.

God bless,
Aunt Dara