I am a 21-year-old Christian woman and lately the struggle of being single and waiting until marriage has taken a toll on me. The Bible tells us that we should wait until marriage before having sex and I do agree, but I feel the older I get the harder it is. I am waiting, but it feels useless. Most guys I talk to haven't waited, so I often wonder if it’s really worth it. What am I waiting for then? Being a virgin is getting to be a burden more than a blessing. The Bible talks about not burning with passion and getting married and I know we weren't meant to be alone, but how am I supposed to wait when I have these feelings? Since we are supposed to wait on God’s timing, what if I don't get married until later on in life? I am in a state of confusion and even depression. I meet a lot of guys that I come to like and then they tell me they haven't waited and I feel useless. I hold so much value to my virginity, but does it have any value? What if I marry a man that has had sex prior to marriage? I know we should forgive, but it’s very difficult because I want that experience to happen for the first time for both of us. I often feel like a naive girl who still believes in happy endings, and the more I date, the more I am upset and even angry at God. I am sorry if my words are all jumbled, but I am trying to express all my emotions at once. I hope to hear from you soon.
First of all, I would like to say that I believe that you have a heart for God and you really want to do the right thing. I can tell that you are struggling with this, and it’s deeply affecting you spiritually and emotionally. I pray that what I’m about to say is helpful and will serve to both guide you spiritually and alleviate some of your emotional pain.
Two virgins sharing their first sexual experience on their wedding night is a dream that many Christian young people share. However, reality often does not match our dreams, as you are discovering. You state that you wonder if it’s worth it to keep your virginity when so many young men are not, and how would you be able to forgive your husband if he was among those who had sex prior to marriage. We forgive others because we have been forgiven. As Christians, we are all weak, fallible human beings who are trying to do the best we can to please God and avoid sin, but temptations are strong and we sometimes give in (Romans 7). The point is to not give up trying to please God and turn to committing sin deliberately and habitually (Romans 6:16, Hebrews 10:26-27). I think that young people get caught up in the idea of finding someone to marry so we will be able to satisfy our sexual urges, which are normal for us to have. However, we are missing the point. Submission to God’s will and His timing should be our goal, rather than fulfilling the lust of the flesh. Too many young people rush into marriage because of fleshly lust, only to regret it later. Getting married should not be our goal. Following God’s will should be our goal. If marriage is His will for us, He will bring the right person into our lives at the right time—and that’s why maintaining our virginity is worth it.
It’s worrisome that this has become a self-esteem issue for you and you are struggling with feelings of uselessness, depression, and anger toward God. I strongly suggest that you find an older Christian woman and share with her your struggles (James 5:16), and if your self-esteem and depression do not improve, please talk to a professional counselor who is a Christian. I also suggest that you read “Having Sex in a Committed Relationship with the Person You Love” that I posted on February 21, 2016 and pay particular attention to the Footnote to My Readers Regarding Sin which is at the end of that post.