Dear Aunt Dara,
When my husband and I married six years ago his cousin was living with him and paying nominal rent. He was recently sober (from alcohol only—pot and pills didn’t count), and after we married he moved into a condo owned by my brother-in-law. Long story short: His sobriety didn’t last and he ended up homeless.
In the meantime my husband and I now have two kids under the age of 5 and we are planning on moving into a larger house. His cousin has recently become sober again and claims not to be drinking, taking pills, or smoking pot. My husband has asked that we move his cousin in with us “to give him a family life.” I am vehemently opposed and actually told him as such about a year ago when he mentioned this then as well; at which point I got a 30 minute long Jesus lecture.
My husband sets no boundaries with people who live with him (I saw this
firsthand while we were dating) and I am afraid his cousin will start drinking
again and my husband will not kick him out. We desperately need marriage counseling, but I
don’t know if it will help. He is very
stubborn, especially when he thinks what he is doing is right (even if it is
being an enabler of a mooch, as he feels it is his Christian duty). Please help! I don’t want to live with his cousin.
Worried Wife
Dear Worried Wife,
Thank you for writing to me about this most difficult situation. For a thing to be considered a “Christian duty,” there must be a scripture that instructs Christians to do it. The Bible clearly says “if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8), but we need to look at the context of this verse—providing assistance to widows (1 Timothy 5:3-16). Verse 4 says, “But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God.” Verses 9-16 expand further by listing qualifications for a widow to be eligible for assistance from the church. We know that a person’s spouse and underage children are included in the instruction to provide for one’s own and for those in his household. We also know from verses 4 and 16 that parents and grandparents who have become unable to provide for themselves are also included. However, what scripture instructs a Christian to provide support for an adult relative, regardless of how this person is related to you?
Some people will argue that we are to provide unlimited help to anyone in need, citing Matthew 25:31-46. However, nothing in this passage indicates or suggests that assistance rendered must be continuous, ongoing and unlimited. Just as visiting the sick or imprisoned person is temporary and time-limited, so providing assistance to a needy person is a temporary situation. Jesus did not say that we are to continue to feed, house, and clothe a needy person. Even if this person is a relative, we are not to allow them to become dependent on us. The Apostle Paul wrote in 2 Thessalonians 3:6-12 that a person should be self-supporting. A person should not take advantage of others or become a burden to others (a mooch, as you put it). He even said that it’s commanded that “if anyone will not work, neither shall he eat” (2 Thessalonians 3:10).
Regarding your specific situation, bringing an adult cousin with a long-standing problem of substance abuse and addiction into your home would be unwise at best, and would most likely be a mistake that your husband will regret. He may be your head (Ephesians 5:22-33), but that does not mean that your wishes should be disregarded. When making a decision that affects the entire family, both husband and wife must be in agreement. After all, it’s your home, too. One spouse cannot bring in a third party to share a living arrangement without the full consent and approval of the other spouse. To bring another resident into the home against the wishes of the other spouse will most likely destroy the marriage. I’ve seen it happen, multiple times. You also have to consider the affect this would have on your children, who are still quite young and impressionable. At best, this man would be setting a bad example for your children. It may also pose a risk for them, or for you. Your husband must put you and the children first. That is his Christian duty. He has no moral obligation as a Christian to provide housing for an adult cousin.
For additional information, I recommend
that you read my post “Must a Christian Help Everyone Who Asks for Assistance?”
published on October 24, 2017 and my post “Drawing the Line Between Helping
Others and Being Used” published on April 24, 2019. Both of these posts deal with similar
issues. You may access them at https://askauntdara.blogspot.com/2017/10/must-christian-help-everyone-who-asks.html
and https://askauntdara.blogspot.com/2019/04/drawing-line-between-helping-others-and.html. This is a summation of the major points:
1.
The Bible instructs us to be temperate in all things (1
Corinthians 9:25, 1 Timothy 3:11), which means to show moderation, to have
self-restraint, and to do things within a reasonable limit.
2.
We need to do good works within a reasonable limit, and
the Bible warns us that we will destroy ourselves if we do not (Ecclesiastes
7:15-16).
3.
Christians are to follow Jesus’ example and do good to
others (Acts 10:38, Galatians 6:10).
4.
Jesus set an example of taking frequent breaks from
helping others so that He could meet His own needs (Luke 5:15-16). He did not allow other people’s needs to
cause Him to neglect His own needs.
5.
Jesus recognized when people were trying to take
advantage of Him and did not give them what they wanted (John 6:22-27).
6.
Jesus did not always respond to requests and He set
conditions for the people He helped (Matthew 15:21-28).
7.
God does not always give us what we ask for in prayer
and sets conditions for His blessings (John 9:31, James 1:5-8, James 4:3, 2
Corinthians 12:7-9).
8.
Therefore, if God can deny requests and set limits and
conditions for what He does for people, then we can do the same. You have the right to set appropriate limits
and conditions with others, and you have the right to turn down requests.
9.
Helping means that you render assistance, and inherent
in this definition is the understanding that such aid is temporary until the
person no longer needs assistance (2 Corinthians 8:11-14).
10. If
the person is not moving toward gaining independence, you are not helping them,
you are fostering dependency. In other
words, you are enabling them. God
expects people to provide for their own needs and not become dependent on others
(2 Thessalonians 3:10, Ephesians 4:28).
God bless,
Aunt Dara
