Integrating Compassion with the Wisdom of God’s Word


The purpose of Aunt Dara’s Christian Advice Column is to glorify God by addressing human needs with compassion and the wisdom of God’s word.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Should she Ignore her Family, Friends, and her Gut Feeling to Marry the Man She Loves?

Dear Aunt Dara,  

I am 25 years old and my boyfriend is 45 years old.  He has a sad past and now he has health issues.  I love him and I want to give him a happy life, but I'm worried that I will be left alone with my children one day due to our age differences, and I am afraid that my children will suffer without a father.  I am not sure if I can be strong enough to face the world as a single mother.  Also, I truly don't want to hurt him deeply because when I see him hurt, I hurt too.  I don’t want to leave him suffering.  I feel like a bad person if I don’t marry him and I do love him, but I’m afraid things will go wrong with the passing of time.  He is a very kind man and he would be a great husband.  I made a lot of mistakes when he was in the hospital, but he is faithful and forgiving.  Additionally, my parents and friends don't approve of our relationship, and they warn me that our marriage will not work out.  I would have married him already if I didn't have this strong gut feeling inside me and warnings from parents and close friends.  I’ve prayed about it, but I still have a gut feeling.  I tried to deny it because he is so kind, loving, and caring, and I love him deeply.  I am so confused.  If this gut feeling is from God, why would God try to prevent me from marrying him?  I don’t want to be alone again, and it will be harder if I have raise my children alone.  I’m confused and unable to decide whether to marry him or not.  If I decide not to marry him, does that make me a selfish person or bad or evil?  I feel so guilty if I don’t marry him.  I do love him but I can’t ignore my gut feeling.  What should I do?


Dear Confused,

Thank you so much for writing to me and trusting me with your situation.  I believe that God can speak to us in many ways, including through His written word (the Bible), through godly advice from other Christians, and through the leadings of the Holy Spirit—what you refer to as your gut feeling.  For you to be able to make the right decision, you must listen to what God is trying to tell you through the scriptures, through godly counsel, and through your own inner voice.  If you feel anxiety and confusion when you think about marrying this person, then marrying him is NOT the right thing to do.  When you have made the right choice, you will feel peace.  If you believe that your gut feeling is from God, then perhaps the reason God is trying to prevent you from marrying this man is because God is trying to tell you not to do it.  You are not selfish, bad or evil for not marrying someone.  If you have made mistakes, then repent and pray for forgiveness.  Do not complicate the situation by making another mistake.  Marriage will not ease a guilty conscience.

Also, I believe that you are confusing compassion with love.  Having compassion for someone and wanting to do something to ease their pain is not the type of love that can be the foundation of a marriage.  A marriage based on compassion or pity cannot last.  In the long run, this marriage could end up hurting both of you.

God bless,
Aunt Dara