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Integrating Compassion with the Wisdom of God’s Word

askauntdara@gmail.com


The purpose of Aunt Dara’s Christian Advice Column is to glorify God by addressing human needs with compassion and the wisdom of God’s word.


Friday, March 24, 2017

Boy Doesn’t Want to Talk to Her

PART 1

Dear Aunt Dara,

A guy friend and I used to talk a lot, but now he says he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.  He started talking to me initially because he wanted me to have sex with him with no strings attached.  I told him I wasn't interested in that and he agreed.  We always stayed friends and I even went out with him a couple of times, but nothing sexual ever happened.  A couple of weeks ago he confessed to me that he has been scared to enter into a relationship because he has never been successful in them.  He told he was ready for one now and he seemed very interested to talk to me.  However, my dad saw previous text messages that he sent me on my phone that had sexual content in them and decided to have a talk with his father that same day.  My father told his father that “he needs to teach his son how to respect women."  My friend told me that he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.  He said that I should take care of myself and told me goodbye. 
 

I still think about him almost every day.  I am trying my best to focus on myself but he always pops into my mind.  I really still want us to be friends, but I don't want to get burned if I try to talk to him.  I have this strong urge to speak to him and apologize for what happened.  I didn't mean for it to turn out this way.  Should I apologize to him?  If so, how should I go about doing it?  Should I really be friends with him?  Was he really ever my friend?  Do you even think he likes me enough to talk to me again?

Sincerely,
Wanting Friendship 
 

Dear Wanting Friendship,

You asked my opinion about whether or not you should contact this young man to apologize and whether or not you should continue a friendship with him.  My opinion is that you should do neither for the following reasons:

1.  Your father does not want you to have anything to do with this young man.
2.  The young man himself told you that he doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
3.  You didn't do anything that requires an apology from you.

It's doubtful that you ever had or could ever have a meaningful friendship with this young man.  I say this because his first contact with you was a request for sex.  Men who respect women do not ask for sex first thing, and a man who does not respect women can never be a friend to a woman.  You would be wise to use this as a learning experience and avoid getting involved with men of this type in the future.  When your father found those text messages, he did what any other loving, responsible father would have done—he took immediate steps to protect his daughter.  Your father did the right thing, and he is giving you good advice.  Listen to him.  

God bless,
Aunt Dara

PART 2 

Hello Aunt Dara,

I do not know if you remember a couple of months ago my dad got angry with a young man who wanted to have sex with me and that boy told me he never wanted to talk to me anymore.  Well he is now talking to me and the strangest thing is he admits that what my father did was best for him.  Also he seems way more interested to speak with me and he even told me he wants to take me out on a date.  The craziest thing is I am starting to get very big feelings for him.  What should I do?   

Sincerely,
Wanting Friendship 

Dear Wanting Friendship,

Thanks for writing to me again.  I am glad to get an update on this situation, and I am glad that the young man has expressed recognition that your father was right.  However, I want to remind you that men who are interested in sex will say anything they think you want to hear, so be cautious with him.  The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and his past behavior toward you has not been honorable.  A person's true character is not what he tells you it is.  His true character is what he has consistently demonstrated over time.  Trust is something that has to be earned.  Take it slowly and allow time for him to demonstrate that he has changed.  In the meantime, I would suggest that you avoid any situation in which you may be alone with him.  Don't allow yourself to be put into any situation in which he may seduce you or take advantage of you sexually.  Also, just because a man shows you attention, that is not an indication that he is the right one for you.  Lonely people crave attention, and predators can always sense that.  Be careful.  Don't let yourself confuse the good feelings you get when someone shows you attention with love.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

Monday, February 20, 2017

Worried about His Wife’s Mixed Gender Sleeping Arrangement on a Trip without Him

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I would value some advice.  My lovely and attractive Christian wife is very friendly with another (non-Christian but very nice) lady who is into mountain hiking.  As a result, my wife goes to visit her in the mountains for a long weekend every year.  Up to now this has just involved day-trips out in the snow from a fixed base.  But this year the friend is planning a stay all night in mountain, in huts with mixed-sex dorms.  Having looked online, these are generally where men and women sleep right next to each other on one long sleeping platform.  I do not feel at all comfortable about this, but am I just being worrying needlessly?  My wife says it is okay.  She said the mountaineering community seem to do it all the time, but I just don’t feel right about it and I don’t feel right about my wife doing this.  As a man, I frankly cannot see why men would stop thinking like men do about women, just because they are up a mountain!  Additionally, I just don’t feel it is right to be sleeping together with other men in this way.  I am told that no undressing occurs, but I cannot believe there is a firm guarantee of that!  I trust my wife, but we just don’t seem to be on the same page on this topic!  Am I just being silly in my unhappiness about this situation?  I would appreciate your considered thoughts.  

Thanks and God bless,
Country Boy 

Dear Country Boy,

No, you are not being silly.  You are being wise and sensible.  The Bible tells us to avoid even the very appearance of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22), and that would certainly apply to this situation.  Even if nothing happened between these individuals sharing sleeping quarters, at the very least it would give rise to the possibility of immorality and damage your wife's Christian influence.  A Christian must always guard ones’ reputation and demonstrate a life of purity by not placing oneself in situations that will give others a reason to accuse one of sin (1 Timothy 5:22; 1 Peter 2:11-12). 
A Christian woman must remain chaste and obey her husband (Titus 2:5).  Please reason with your wife and explain your concerns.  Hopefully, she will change her mind.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Her Boyfriend Thinks that God Doesn’t Want Them to be Together

Dear Aunt Dara,

I was seeing a man for a little while; he was a man of God.  He went to Church 3-4 times a week.  He helped me change and look at things completely different - in a positive way.  When I met him, I was in a bad place mentally.  I had recently gotten out of an emotionally, verbally, mentally abusive relationship.  I was broken and ruined and then I meet this new man.  I'll call him “Joe.”  I feel like God put Joe in my life for a reason.  I don't think how we met was coincidence or perfect timing.  I truly believe that God put him in my life to help me heal, to better myself, to help put me on the right track and to be the person I was put on earth to be.  We got along great, but then one day, Joe sent me a message saying that God doesn't want us to be together anymore.  I was completely blindsided.  I was heartbroken and I still am a little bit.  I thought he was sent by God to help me, but not to be temporary.  It doesn't make sense.  Why God would do this; why He would let me meet this wonderful man who has helped me let my guard down, to believe in love again, yet tell that same person we aren't meant for each other?  I was just finally learning how to trust and believe in love again - then this happens.  I don't understand.  I asked him why.  I asked Joe what I did that caused him (or God) to no longer want to be in my life.  He said, "If God wants us to be together, He will give signs on us reconnecting."  Now here's why I'm a little confused:  All three of my ex-boyfriends have come back and asked for another chance, yet I don't think any of them were the one to spend my life with.  I know the devil sends us people to throw us off track, but I firmly believe Joe wasn't that.  I need some advice because I'm so confused and I honestly am heartbroken because Joe said he has strong feelings for me and wants to be with me, but God doesn't what him to be with me.  Why?  What kind of sign will we receive, or better yet, what kind of sign will Joe receive if I am meant for him?  How will I know if the next man I meet is "the one?"  I had two previous boyfriends that I believed were truly the one, yet they didn't work out either.  Please help me see the light which is dimming slowly.  Thank you and I appreciate you taking the time to read my post.

Totally Confused

Dear Totally Confused,

I can see that you are feeling very sad and confused, and that is quite understandable.  Joe’s behavior is confusing.  God’s behavior, however, is not.  God is not the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33).  God knows exactly what He is doing, and God does not make mistakes.  Humans do make mistakes, and one of the most common mistakes that we make is believing that God is directly sending us signs and messages.  Apparently, Joe believes that he has received a message from God regarding you, but many people have mistakenly believed that they were receiving messages from God and have made mistakes that they have long regretted because they followed what they believed was a message from God.  The Bible tells us, “The heart is deceitful above all things” (Jeremiah 17:9).  The Bible tells us that in times past God spoke to individuals through various ways (such as directly, audibly, in dreams, in visions, through prophets, and other ways), but now He speaks to us through the words of Jesus and the Bible which is the inspired word of God (Hebrews 1:1-2, 2 Peter 1:21).  It’s very easy to misinterpret our own thoughts, feelings, or dreams as being messages from God, and just as easy to misinterpret events as being signs from God.  Despite what Joe says, he really has no way of knowing that God does not want you to be together, and it’s highly doubtful that God will send him or you a “sign” that you are meant for each other. 

Similarly, I think that it is a mistake to believe that God has chosen “the one” that we are meant to be with, as many Christians seem to believe.  Although that may be true in some circumstances (Isaac and Rebekah come to mind in Genesis chapter 24), that is certainly not the way it is for most, nor is this idea taught in Scripture.  God can bless any relationship between a Christian man and woman who seek the Lord first.  So, why did God bring Joe into your life?  For the reasons you mentioned:  to help you to heal and to help you believe in love again.  Joe was God’s gift to you for that purpose.  Maybe Joe will be in your life longer, and maybe not.  If not, then be assured that God will take care of you and bring another person into your life, if that is His will.  However, if someone is removed from your life, realize that it may be for the best and let him go.  Give this time.  If it is meant to be, it will be in the natural course of time—not because God sends him or you a message or a sign.

God bless,
Aunt Dara