Forgiveness and Trust Issues Following Marital Unfaithfulness

Dear Aunt Dara,

My husband and I separated for a few months earlier this year.  During this time we both had sexual relations with other people.  We reconciled and moved back in with each other.  Recently, he told me that one of the women he had been involved with was pregnant with his child.  I want to stay with him because we forgave each other for the things that occurred during that time.  However, I am not sure if the child was conceived during the time that we were separated or after he had moved back in and we were supposed to be working on things.  I already had a hard time trusting him, but now I'm finding it’s even harder to trust him and I don't know why.  I love my husband and I do not want to leave, but I'm scared and confused.  Is there any advice you can give me on trying to forgive him for what has happened?

Thank you,
Deeply Confused

Dear Deeply Confused,

I have read your letter several times and pondered how to respond in a positive, helpful way.  I don't want to say anything to make a bad situation worse.  Unfortunately, you are dealing with the consequences of sin that cannot be erased or corrected.  It's going to be very difficult for you to trust your husband again.  Unfortunately, though you are attempting to salvage your marriage, he has just as much reason to distrust you as you have to distrust him.  Both of you broke your wedding vows.  Forgivable—yes.  Easy to forgive—no.  Forgiveness is not something that just happens in a moment and things magically return to how they were before.  In your case, things will never be the same as they were before.  Forgiveness is a process.  It is a decision that you make every day to let go of hurt and resentment for that day.  Eventually, the pain will subside, but in your case there will always be reminders due to the other woman and the child she has conceived.  Both you and your husband have a lot of problems to work through, and it's not going to be simple.  However, both of you need to seek God's forgiveness for your sins and then seek His assistance to repair the damage to your marriage.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

Study Group has been Causing Spiritual Problems

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I sometimes attend a small study group led by a woman I considered incredibly devout and spiritual.  She organizes the groups about once a year.  They meet regularly for a few months and then have a break until the next year.  Though I care about this woman, I'm having some trouble with her methods of ministry.  It seems as if she wants me to fall into some sort of sin so that she can save me through her spiritual counseling.  She will turn whatever I say into a way of making me seem unholy and lacking.  If I say, "I was worried about my dishwasher smoking yesterday," it becomes a lecture on how it's sinful to worry.  It is difficult to even make small talk with her without her turning it into some way I'm failing.  After I spend time with her, I feel awful, hopeless, and condemned.  I feel overwhelmed and overburdened, as if I can never live up to the legalistic standards required of me, so I stop reading the Bible and my prayer life suffers.  I just shut God out. I realized in the middle of a group session that I have been associating this woman's legalism with God's character.  It’s like my eyes have been opened.  This kind of hopeless condemnation is not from God.  I am really doing the absolute best I can to live a life without sin.  I put God first.  I'm totally open to a loving correction if someone sees actual sin in my life, but I don't feel that's her goal.  I have searched myself and I don't believe I have unresolved sin in my life at this moment.  Of course, I fail at times with my attitude or with grumbling, but according to the scriptures, His mercies are new every morning!  

I have decided that I will not sign up for the next round of this group, but I can't decide if I should quit this round.  Spending time with her has created a huge barrier in my heart and mind towards God in the past, so I would prefer to stop attending now.  I don't think she would be at all receptive to me speaking with her about it, and I don't even know how to explain what she does.  It's all so subtle.  I am not eloquent in speaking and I get easily flustered.  On the other hand, it's possible that I won't get so worked up about it now that I've realized that this heavy burden isn't from God, but a sad tool of the enemy which she's unconsciously wielding.  Do you have any wise counsel for me about how to tackle this entire thing?  Thanks!

Garden Momma 

Dear Garden Momma, 

I am glad that you have decided to not join the next set of group sessions because this does not sound like a spiritually healthy environment.  In the meantime, what obligation do you have to continue to attend something that is so harmful to you spiritually and puts your spiritual health in jeopardy?  None that I can see.  You are free to stop attending these group sessions immediately.  You do not have to speak to her about it, nor do you have to offer any excuses or reasons for not continuing.  Just stop attending.  If anyone asks you about it, just say, “It’s not working out for me to attend the group at this time.”  That is 100% the truth, and no explanation as for why it’s not working out is required.  If anyone asks you why it’s not working out, just say that your reasons are personal.  Ignore any attempts to get you to disclose your personal reasons.  Just keep repeating that the reasons are personal.  

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Drawing the Line between Helping Others and Being Used?

Dear Aunt Dara,

I’m currently going through a lot.  I’m a Christian girl and I’m trying to be a good Samaritan and offer help where needed as well as be patient and slow to anger like Jesus, but my patience is running thin.  I live alone, in a nice but small 2-bedroom apartment downtown.  When a Christian girl from church really needed a place to stay about 6 months ago, someone asked if I could host her and I agreed to do it.  I’ve had a lot of issues since.  She stopped paying me rent 3 months ago.  She uses all my stuff and lies to people by telling them that it’s hers.  She has started a business in my house which involves clients, and so I can’t be around when she’s working.  I’m a student and I have been inconvenienced when I need to study countless times.  Now she has allowed her friend to move into my apartment because she says her friend’s lease is done and she needs a place to stay.  Her friend isn’t paying me rent either.  Also, her sister and brother have been sleeping over.  I’ve had to sleep at a friend’s house because of the inconvenience only to come home and see someone slept in my bed and left makeup all over my pillow.  There’s many more things, but this is a summary.  She is not on the lease, she hasn’t paid me rent for 3 months, and she still feels entitled.  

I really want to talk to her, but I also don’t want her to think I’m a terrible person and I’m kicking her out, meaning she and her friend will be homeless.  Also if I kick her out her business would have to stop since it’s based in my house.  I don’t know what to do.  I get irritated frequently and I still haven’t said a word to her.  I just pray.  I make slight comments like, “Why is there makeup on my pillow?” Please help me.  Where do Christians draw the line between helping people and being taken advantage of?

Sincerely,
Free Bed and Breakfast

Dear Free Bed and Breakfast,

First of all, I would highly recommend that you read my post “Must a Christian Help Everyone Who Asks for Assistance?” published on October 24, 2017 that deals with a very similar issue.  You may access it at https://askauntdara.blogspot.com/2017/10/.  This is a summation of the major points in that post:

1.     The Bible instructs us to be temperate in all things (1 Corinthians 9:25, 1 Timothy 3:11), which means to show moderation, to have self-restraint, and to do things within a reasonable limit. 

2.     We need to do good works within a reasonable limit, and the Bible warns us that we will destroy ourselves if we do not (Ecclesiastes 7:15-16). 

3.     Christians are to follow Jesus’ example and do good to others (Acts 10:38, Galatians 6:10).

4.     Jesus set an example of taking frequent breaks from helping others so that He could meet His own needs (Luke 5:15-16).  He did not allow other people’s needs to cause Him to neglect His own needs.

5.     Jesus recognized when people were trying to take advantage of Him and did not give them what they wanted (John 6:22-27). 

6.     Jesus did not always respond to requests and He set conditions for the people He helped (Matthew 15:21-28). 

7.     God does not always give us what we ask for in prayer and sets conditions for His blessings (John 9:31, James 1:5-8, James 4:3, 2 Corinthians 12:7-9). 

8.     Therefore, if God can deny requests and set limits and conditions for what He does for people, then we can do the same.  You have the right to set appropriate limits and conditions with others, and you have the right to turn down requests. 

9.     Helping means that you render assistance, and inherent in this definition is the understanding that such aid is temporary until the person no longer needs assistance (2 Corinthians 8:11-14). 

10.  If the person is not moving toward gaining independence, you are not helping them, you are fostering dependency.  In other words, you are enabling them.  God expects people to provide for their own needs and not become dependent on others (2 Thessalonians 3:10, Ephesians 4:28).

Now, to address your specific situation.  As I read what you’ve written, my major concern is what possible negative consequences that this situation may have on you.  You said that this person is not on the lease.  You said that she has started a business in your apartment which involves having clients in the apartment.  She has allowed another person to move into the apartment, and she has two other regular overnight guests.  Here’s my concern:  Most leases spell out specifically the terms and conditions of your rental.  Most leases forbid subletting to another resident.  (Subletting means that you rent out part of the apartment to someone else.)  Most leases forbid having additional persons living there who are not named on the lease.  Most leases also forbid operating a business from the premises.  What does your lease say?  Does your landlord know what is happening in this apartment?  I do not know the housing laws where you live.  Furthermore, I am not an attorney and I cannot give legal advice, but my major concern is that you have placed yourself in jeopardy of eviction.  Therefore, my best advice to you is to read your lease carefully and consult an attorney for what actions you can legally take to evict these people who have taken up residence in your apartment.  Most attorneys do not charge anything for an initial consultation.  Ideally, this situation should have been prevented in the beginning by not allowing this person to move in.  The one who asked you to allow this person to move in with you overstepped a boundary.  You were not under any Christian obligation to provide housing for this person, and you had a right to say no.  Furthermore, you are not a “terrible person” for kicking these people out.  You are not running a free bed and breakfast.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Can Their Relationship Last After They Stop Having Sex?

Dear Aunt Dara, 

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost nine months, and I really hope he's the one I marry.  I love him so much.  A few months ago, we lost our virginities to each other, even though deep down I knew that's not what God wanted.  A few days ago, we both agreed that we should stop and wait until marriage before we do anymore.  We both felt guilty about it, and we want to do it the way God designed it.  The only thing is, we're afraid it's going to get boring or we're going to fizzle out because we don't have that very intimate thing anymore since we already over stepped that boundary.  My question is, should I be worried that things might fizzle because we don't have that anymore?  We both love each other a lot, and have talked about getting married, but that won't be for five or six years due to school.  We've both been praying about it individually and together.  What do you think we should do?  Thank you so much replying! 

Sincerely,

Anxious College Student 

Dear Anxious College Student, 

You ask if you should be worried if things might fizzle because you do not have that intimacy anymore.  Perhaps you are asking the wrong question.  Please allow me to explain.  You and your boyfriend have already begun having sexual relations with each other, and have continued to do so for a few months despite knowing that it is wrong and having feelings of guilt.  An agreement between the two of you to stop is not likely to be successful.  Why?  Once a couple begins having sex, it’s nearly impossible to stop because sexual temptation is extremely strong and Satan is just going to increase temptation when he sees you are trying to do the right thing.  He will even try to trick you into believing that it is okay and you may start looking for excuses to justify it.  My prediction is that you and your boyfriend will not be able to deny your sexual urges for five or six years until you marry.  You will either give in to temptation and continue to sin, or the two of you will find yourselves so sexually frustrated that it will eventually destroy your relationship.  So, the question to ask is, “How can we handle this temptation?” 

The apostle Paul addressed this very situation in 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 where he wrote, “But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry.  For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”  In other words, God’s answer for handling this type of situation is marriage.  When you are married you may freely experience sex as God intended without sin and without guilt.  You are not the first person to write to me in this same situation saying that you cannot marry at this time for one reason or another (financial reasons, housing reasons, educational reasons).  I realize that marriage would be a challenge for a couple who is still in school, but those challenges will be manageable with the Lord’s help.  If you are determined that marriage is not possible for you at this time, then how can you and your boyfriend manage intense sexual temptation for another five to six years?  This is a serious matter because the Bible makes it clear that continuing to practice sin places your eternal destiny in jeopardy (Hebrews 13:4, Galatians 5:19-21, Revelation 21:8).  So, what can you do to not continue in your sin and hold off on having more sex until after you are married?  I offer the following suggestions: 

1.     Pray that God will help you bear temptation.  (1 Corinthians 10:13, Hebrews 4:14-16)

2.     Avoid physical contact.  (1 Corinthians 7:1)

3.     If you find it difficult to avoid physical contact, then physically separate yourselves for a time.  (1 Corinthians 6:18)

4.     If that is still unsuccessful, then avoid being alone together.

However, I believe that it is better to follow Paul’s instruction and get married now than to continue to be tempted and risk losing your soul due to weakness of the flesh.  Please let me know if this was helpful and I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Is Infrequent Communication a Sign that He isn’t Interested in Her?

Dear Aunt Dara,

First of all, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the advice you gave me earlier to free myself from my previous relationship.  To God be the glory, I have been free from him for months now.  I have been focusing on my studies in college and my pastors have promoted me over our worship team so I have been occupied.  I am interested in this guy that I have ministered with years ago.  We have known of each other but we have never really taken the time to get to know one another as individuals.  He goes to a college about two hours away from mine and he came down for the holidays.  We began texting at first and we hung out once a little while he was in the area.  I am interested in him because we have so much in common.  He plays the piano and I sing, so we help each other where both of us lack.  He is very calm, he has the same ambitious goals as I do, and most importantly, he loves God so much and I see that.  I don't have to wonder about where his relationship is with God.  I guess my problem is that we don't speak every day, sometimes it might be two weeks before we speak to one another, and I might have to text him.  Basically, he is not as eager to text or hang out with me like all the other guys who I have been interested in before.  Even though I am strictly seeking a stronger friendship with him, I do like him and would love to have a courting relationship in the future.  I recently read a book called, "I kissed Dating Goodbye" which is a book that guides singles before marriage.  This is the first time that I am trying to put God first in all of my potential relationships; friendships and all.  I really don't know if he likes me or not.  I don't want to be impatient.  I want to do the right thing this time.

Trying to be Patient

Dear Trying to be Patient,

Thank you for the feedback.  I am glad that what I said to you before was helpful and that you now are doing so well.  Regarding this new person taking so long to respond to you rather than communicating every day--I don't see too much of a problem with that.  As you mentioned, he is in college and he is undoubtedly occupied with his classes and assignments.  That doesn't mean that he isn't interested in you.  It just means that at this time in his life, you aren't his first concern.  And that is appropriate, since this is just the beginning of your relationship together.  If he didn't like you, he wouldn't be communicating with you at all and wouldn't have spent the holidays with you.  He is taking it slowly and getting to know you as a person, and that is a very good sign.  Keep praying for your relationship to deepen and then wait for God's timing.

God bless,
Aunt Dara