Must a Christian Help Everyone Who Asks for Assistance?

Dear Aunt Dara, 

This school year has been very trying for my husband and myself.  We've been helping friends and family with many favors lately, but now I feel as though I'm a wet rag being squeezed dry.  My mother's vehicle broke down some months ago so every weekend or day off, I have to take her to run errands, pay her bills, buy groceries, etc.  At first I felt happy to help, but now it has become a stressor for me because I have to squeeze in all her errands plus my own.  We have three children and my life was already busy enough with them as it was.  My mom's solution is, "Why do you take them to so many birthday parties?” and, "Why do you have them in sports?"  In other words, why do anything for anyone else in this world, as long as I'm helping her?  She thinks I'm stressing myself out by having them participate in organizations and such.  I'm a little bitter toward her because I know my mom would not help me or anyone else that needs help.  She never has.  She's very selfish.  I had to work the moment I turned 16 and have had to support myself since.  I'm only thankful that my forced-upon independence taught me responsibility. 

Additionally, ever since my father-in-law’s girlfriend passed away, we've been having to help him financially.  We were happy to help him at first, but now it has become an annoyance because any extra money that we once had is gone.  My father-in-law doesn't seem to care that we have our own bills, our kids' expenses, etc.  We can't take a vacation or buy groceries without him thinking we're loaded, when in actuality we live paycheck to paycheck.  What annoys my husband the most is that his father has never been a giving, caring, or compassionate person with him.  When my husband was young and his parents divorced, he chose to live with his dad.  It turned out that his dad sent him away to live with various friends and relatives, but his dad still kept all the child support checks that came in from his mom.  When the time came for back to school shopping and my husband needed new clothes, shoes, and books, his dad refused to buy him anything because he could "never afford it.”  So at a young age, my husband had to start finding ways to make his own money to support himself.  We met and married young but have been blessed that we have always been able to support ourselves, without our parents' help but with God's help.  Throughout our 20 years of marriage, we have always put all our faith in Him and recognize that without Him, we wouldn't be where we are today.  We give Him all the glory and praise. 

In addition to helping our parents out, I have a couple of friends who have been needing our help this year.  Again, we are happy to help people when we are able to do so.  However, lately I feel as if we are being taken advantage of.  One friend leaves her kids with me at 6:30am each morning so I can take them to school with my own kids.  She has to rush to work from there.  My other friend relies on me to pick up her daughter from school at the end of the day, because she gets out of her job too late.  She either picks her up from my house really late in the evenings or, if she picks her up in a timely manner, she stays at my house chit-chatting until close to 10pm!  I don't get to make dinner, do chores, spend time with husband or kids, etc.  

I feel I'm at my wits end with all these people.  I have already had some minor meltdowns at home and start yelling over the silliest things just because I'm so frustrated, tired, and stressed out.  As a Christian, I feel we should be more like Jesus and help others with a happy heart.  My dilemma is that I used to have a happy heart when helping others, but lately I feel so angry and used.  I just want us to run far, far away and never come back!  I don't have the heart to be honest with any of them to tell them how I feel because I'm the type of person that will do anything to spare hard feelings.  I hate confrontations.  I've heard the saying, "Be a blessing and you'll be blessed.”  However, I just don't feel like I deserve God's blessings because all I've come to do lately is just complain about these people.  Can you please give me some advice as to how I should be feeling toward everyone?  I feel wrong for having ill feelings toward these individuals but I can't help it. 

At Wits End 

Dear Wits End, 

Let me summarize:  Your mother is demanding of your time and dependent on you for transportation.  Your father-in-law is dependent on your money to meet his living expenses.  Your friends depend on you to provide free babysitting and they interfere with your ability to meet the needs of your own family.  You don’t have any time for yourself, your husband, or your children.  You feel as if you are being squeezed dry and would like to run far, far away.  You are at your wits end and feel stressed, tired, frustrated, and angry, and so you end up yelling over minor things.  Conclusion:  You feel as if you are being used because you are being used, and those negative feelings are the natural result of stress from being taken advantage of.   

While it is true that Christians are to follow Jesus’ example and do good to others (Acts 10:38, Galatians 6:10), it appears that you have taken this to the extreme and are wearing yourself out in trying to help others.  Jesus frequently took breaks from teaching the multitudes and healing the sick so that He could meet His own needs (Luke 5:15-16).  The Bible instructs us to be temperate in all things (1 Corinthians 9:25, 1 Timothy 3:11), which means to show moderation, to have self-restraint, and to do things within a reasonable limit.  That even includes doing good works within a reasonable limit, and the Bible warns us that we will destroy ourselves if we do not (Ecclesiastes 7:15-16).  The Lord never intended for us to allow ourselves to be used or to do so much for others that we totally wear ourselves out and neglect our own family and our own needs.  

It appears as if you believe that to be like Jesus you must help everyone, so therefore you must not turn down a request for help.  Jesus recognized when people were trying to take advantage of Him and did not give them what they wanted (John 6:22-27).  He did not always respond to requests and He set conditions for the people He helped (Matthew 15:21-28).  Additionally, God does not always give us what we ask for in prayer and sets conditions for His blessings (John 9:31, James 1:5-8, James 4:3, 2 Corinthians 12:7-9).  Therefore, if God can deny requests and set limits and conditions for what He does for people, then we can do the same.  You have the right to set appropriate limits and conditions with others, and you have the right to turn down requests.  It is okay to tell your friend that she must pick up her child by a certain time.  It is okay to tell her that it’s time for her to leave because you need to cook dinner for your family.  It’s okay to set limits for your mother and father-in-law. 

Are you actually helping these people, or are you fostering dependency?  Helping means that you render assistance, and inherent in this definition is the understanding that such aid is temporary until the person no longer needs assistance (2 Corinthians 8:11-14).  If the person is not moving toward gaining independence, it ceases to be “receiving help” and becomes a reliance or dependency on the giver.  What effort has your mother made to repair her car or to obtain other means of transportation?  What effort has your father-in-law made to be able to manage his expenses on his own?  What would they do without you?  If you were no longer able to provide transportation for your mother or give money to your father-in-law, what would they do?  It appears that you are no longer helping your mother and father-in-law.  They have become dependent on you and you are supporting them.  If you continue to provide transportation and money to them, they will have no motivation to work toward becoming independent.  Your first responsibility is to your own family—to your husband, children, and home.  You and your husband need to have an honest discussion with each other to come to an understanding of what changes need to be made to set reasonable limits with them to reduce your burden and stress.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Is it Wrong to Hide a Bank Account from a Spouse?

Dear Aunt Dara,

My husband and I have both accepted Jesus as our Savior and try to live according to His word.  With that being said, I have been keeping a secret bank account from him because I am scared of the way he handles our finances.  We have been married for 4 and 1/2 years now and he has never held a steady job.  He has been fired and let go of employment more times than I can count.  We are a one income household, but he spends as if we have two incomes.  I made him start paying the bills because I thought it would make him more aware of the finances as well as take some pressure off of me.  However, he has made several late payments and we have accrued several late charges because of it.  When I ask him if he has been applying for jobs or ask him what he has done for the day, he gets extremely defensive and it starts a fight.  My husband has been spoiled and therefore does not cook or clean, so I have to make time for those things before or after my job.  On top of this, he likes to have nice things so if I receive a bonus, he believes he is entitled to spend that as well.  Last year, I wanted to use my bonus at the beginning of the year to pay off the last of our bills and have at least $1000 left over to have as a buffer so we are not living paycheck to paycheck as usual and sometime overdraft.  However, when I told him what I think we should do with my bonus, he said he "needed" a new 60 inch TV because it had been a while since he bought one.  Meanwhile, we have three nice televisions in the house that all work great.  He didn't speak to me for over a week until I gave in to his request.  For this reason, I have opened up an emergency savings account to hide money in case anything urgent comes up.  Is it wrong to hide this from my husband?  I think of the story of Abigail and Nabal and how her defiance of her husband was thought of as wisdom, but I don't want to be wrong.  I love my husband, but he is extremely unwise with our finances and it is causing me horrible panic attacks and anxiety.  He says he is saved, but I don't actually see any fruit of the Spirit in him.  Please help.  Thank you so much!

Sincerely,
Frustrated, Hurt and Anxious

Dear Frustrated, Hurt and Anxious, 

Is it wrong to hide a bank account from your husband?  Keeping secrets is not necessarily a sin.  Sometimes it is the wise thing to do.  Samson was wise to not tell Delilah the source of his strength, and he paid a high price when he did (Judges 16).  Rahab did the right thing when she kept the secret that she was hiding the Israelite spies (Joshua 2).  But is it wrong to keep a secret from a spouse?  You cited Abigail as an example.  While it is true that Abigail assisted David and his men without her husband’s knowledge, she told her husband what she had done the following morning after he had sobered up (1 Samuel 25:36-38).  Esther kept the fact that she was an Israelite secret from her husband until it became necessary to reveal this to him (Esther 2:10, 7:3-4).  Keeping secrets is rarely healthy in a marriage, and keeping financial secrets is especially harmful to a marriage because the other spouse will eventually find out the truth and that will undermine trust.  What will happen when your husband finds out that you have a secret bank account?   

In a marriage, the two are to become one (Matthew 19:5).  Therefore, the ideal situation for finances in a marriage is for both to be fully aware of all assets, obligations, and expenditures, and for purchases to be made by mutual decision.  Christians should pay all bills, debts and obligations when due (Romans 12:17).  Christians should work to provide for their family and necessities should be paid for before any nonessentials are purchased (2 Thessalonians 3:10-12, 1 Timothy 5:8).  However, when one spouse is irresponsible with money, the one who is most responsible should be in charge of managing the finances.  Even though the husband is the head of the wife and the wife is to be submissive to her husband (Ephesians 5:22-24, Colossians 3:18), there is nothing wrong with the wife being the primary financial manager if she is the one who is more responsible with money.  Furthermore, it is not wrong for a wife to make independent financial decisions.  The virtuous woman in Proverbs 31 did not ask for her husband’s permission to buy real estate or to manage her business independently (Proverbs 31:16, 24), and a married woman was among the women who provided financial support for the needs of Jesus and His disciples (Luke 8:1-3).   

Since your husband has a proven record of being irresponsible and mismanaging money, you should be the one in charge of managing the finances for your home.  You are the sole wage earner in your family.  It is up to you to assure that bills are paid on time, and you are wise to develop a savings account.  Your husband spends more than you earn and insists on making unnecessary purchases, but he did not work to earn the money.  You did!  If he wants to have money to buy his toys, he should get a job and use his own money.  (Nothing teaches a person the value of money better than having to work to earn the money to buy the things one wants.)  Your husband has a problem with greed and covetousness, and you are supporting it.  If your husband had a problem with gambling, would you give him money to take to the casino?  If he had a problem with alcohol, would you give him money to buy beer?  If he tries to pressure you into giving him money so that he can spend it frivolously, remember that you must obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29) and you cannot obey your husband if it means supporting or participating in his sin (Acts 5:1-11).   

Here are my suggestions on how to handle your situation: 

1.     Tell your husband about the savings account.  Apologize for not telling him sooner than you did.  Explain the reasons that you established the account.  Continue to deposit part of your income into this account on a regular basis.  Do not allow him to talk you into putting his name on the account too.  Reconsider the wisdom of having a joint bank account.

2.     Develop a budget with your husband and stick to it.

3.     You may need to consult a professional financial planner to assist you with the development of a workable budget and to help impress upon your husband the dangers of his irresponsible spending habits.

4.     Take over the responsibility of paying the household bills again.

5.     Ask your employer about withholding part of your earnings for savings, such as in a credit union account or a retirement savings account. 

None of those suggestions will be easy, so pray before you do anything.  Pray a lot.  You are in a very precarious position and your husband will be resistant to making any changes.  Financial issues are one of the top reasons that couples fight, enter marriage counseling, and end up divorced.  That is why it is beneficial to discuss financial issues prior to marriage and why premarital counseling should always address financial management.  Please keep me updated and I will be praying for you. 

God bless,

Aunt Dara