Her Church is Not Letting Her Use Her Talents and Time

Dear Aunt Dara,

I have been attending the same church for about five years.  I am well fed spiritually and have gained relationships with some of the other members.  About three years ago I began teaching our children every Sunday, but six months ago they began rotating teachers.  They have so many people teaching now that I am lucky to teach once every three months.  I had felt led to use my time and talent, and I am sure of God's calling on my purpose.  It's great that so many people want to help out, but we do have two services, so why can't kids to be taught in the first service as well?  I've made several good suggestions and attempts, but they all get pushed down.  I have even talked to leaders in the church about these.  I want to do a Christmas play for the church with the kids, but the Sunday school leader is going to do a Christmas program with the kids without involving me.  I have been actively praying, trying to remain humble, faithful and continue to follow God's direction and persevere like the apostle Paul. 

Another member and I watch the kids on Wednesday Bible group nights, and we wanted to get the kids some much-needed new toys with our own money.  One thing we wanted to do was to repurpose a mid-sized entertainment center into a play kitchen.  Our children's program leader said we cannot do that.  She suggested getting a new plastic one. 

I am very frustrated to the point of tears and am scared it's preventing me from getting everything I could be spiritually.  I feel like I have an obligation to stay committed because this is where God has led me.  Should I take a break from helping out in the children's program?  It breaks my heart already when I come to church and am not helping with the kids.  Should I take a break from my church?  I have been persistently praying and I don't seem to be getting anywhere. 

Frustrated Servant

Dear Frustrated Servant,

Indeed it can be very frustrating and discouraging to feel called to serve in a certain capacity and then not be able to fulfill what you believe to be your purpose.  You do sound as if you are discouraged. 

First of all, let me say that you are in good company.  Many people have had to wait many years before they were able to see fulfillment of God’s plan for their lives and to be used by God.  For example, Abraham waited 25 years for the birth of the son that God had promised him (Genesis 12:1-7, Genesis 21:1-5).  Joseph had to wait more than 20 years before he was able to see the fulfillment of the prophesy God revealed to him in his dreams (Genesis 37:1-11, Genesis 41:46 through 42:1-6, and on through the rest of Genesis).  Moses had to wait in the land of Midian for 40 years before God sent him back to Egypt to lead the Israelites out of bondage (Acts 7:17-34, Exodus 7:7).  Although we are not told how old David was when Samuel anointed him to be king of Israel (1 Samuel 16:1-13), he would have been younger than 20.  Estimates place his age at about 17 or younger, but he did not become king until he was 30 years old (2 Samuel 5:4).  These are just a few examples, but even our Lord Jesus after He was baptized by John spent 40 days in prayer and fasting before He be began to preach (Matthew 3:16 through 4:17). 

The Bible tells us in several places to wait on the Lord.  Psalm 27:14 and Psalm 130:5 are just a couple of examples.  We are promised that God makes all things beautiful in HIS time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).  However, waiting on God’s timing is never easy and too many times we create problems for ourselves when we become impatient.  I’m thinking that perhaps that may be what is happening in your case.  Are you focusing on what you really want to do but currently can’t do and overlooking what you can do and currently are doing?  For example, you no longer are teaching the children every Sunday because the teachers now rotate, but you also said that you still teach the children about once every three months.  You said you don’t understand why the children can’t be taught during the first service (presumably so you could teach more often), but you also said that you are watching the children on Wednesday Bible group nights.  You said that you were told that you could buy a new play kitchen instead of turning an entertainment center into one, but you also said that you and another member were willing to use your own money to buy new toys for the children.

I could be wrong, but I get the impression that you may be coming on too strong with your suggestions and perhaps you are having difficulty submitting to church leadership.  The church leaders are the ones in charge of determining what happens during church services.  Not you.  The Sunday school leader was placed in charge of the Christmas program.  Not you.  The children’s program leader is the one in charge of children’s programs.  Not you.  If you are not content with using your talents where God currently has placed you, how do you expect God to give you more responsibility in the future?  A large part of waiting on God’s timing is having the ability to set aside our own will, to submit to God’s will, and to submit to those who have authority.  Should you take a break from your church or from helping out with the children’s programs?  No.  Let them know that you are willing to help with whatever they need, and leave it at that.  Don’t be pushy.  But also don’t be offended if you are not chosen to help or if your suggestions are rejected.  Be faithful.  Focus on developing your trust in the Lord, your love for your brothers and sisters in Christ, and your gratitude for where you are now in the Lord’s service.  God will never give a person more who is not thankful for what he already has.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I have been married to my husband for 39 years.  He is an only child raised by his grandmother for many years.  We have five children. He is 15 years older than I am.  I am so unhappy.  I have put up with his selfishness for years.  He really thinks he has no faults.  We live together as roommates.  We do not have sex anymore.  Not many people know the problems we have.  We look like a perfect couple.  He had a stroke and heart attack 4 years ago so I don't want to abandon him at a low point in his life.  Does God want me to keep carrying this through till death parts us?  I feel like I've lost myself.  I tried talking to my husband and he says he'll change, but he hurt me more so I don't use my voice because I'm so tired of hurting.  I've lost faith in leaving it in God's hand because it gets worse each year.  

Unhappy Wife

Dear Unhappy Wife,

I have been praying about your situation since I read your letter and I can tell that you are hurting very, very much and feel trapped and miserable in your marriage.  Thirty-nine years is a long time to be married, and no doubt your husband is getting old and sick.  Unfortunately, age and illness tends to bring out some of the worst in people, particularly when they feel that they have reached the end of their life and are realizing that their life has not been as they had hoped.  Your husband probably feel this way.  But you are young enough that you probably have more years to live a more fulfilling life.  That being said, you ask what God wants for your marriage.  The answer is in Mark 10:6-9 and 1 Corinthians 7:10-11.  Jesus said that God is the one who joins a man and woman in marriage, and we are commanded to not separate what God has joined together.  So yes, marriage is till death in God’s sight.  As the old preacher that married my husband and myself many years ago said, “When you take your wedding vows, you are not making a vow to another person.  You are making a vow to God, and it’s a very serious thing to break a vow that you made to God” (Deuteronomy 23:21-23, Ecclesiastes 5:4-5).

To help you to deal with the daily struggles of having an ill, aging husband who does not treat you well, it’s important that you take care of yourself and manage stress.  Be sure to take care of your physical needs, emotional needs, and spiritual needs.  Maintain adequate rest, exercise, and nutrition.  Do something that you enjoy every day.  Find someone to talk to and to socialize with.  Pray!  You can get through this because God will help you to cope.  Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  That’s God’s promise to you!

God bless,

Aunt Dara

His Mother Refuses to acknowledge that Smoking led to His Dad’s Death

Dear Aunt Dara,

My dad died a few years ago from complications following surgery for lung cancer. He had been a heart patient for over 20 years with a history of a heart attack, bypass surgery, and congestive heart failure.  My parents would monitor my dad's medication and diet like a hawk.  However, they both smoked heavily.  I once told her she should let dad eat whatever he wants and make him quit smoking instead.  I raised you-know-what about smoking to no avail, and he got lung cancer.  My mother has always felt guilty about getting dad to have the surgery rather than just letting the cancer take its course.  My position has always been that if there was a chance, you take it.  I don't regret the operation.  She blames the hospital and the doctors for his death, and she brings it up whenever I visit.  I tell my mom that I wish she and dad had made a different decision about smoking.

My mom attaches some weird nobility to smoking.  She says she may smoke, but she's not a drunk or a "drug addict" that loses control.  She says she is not like a diabetic we knew who died from not staying on her diet.  She says she never killed anyone in her car from smoking.  It’s as if Big Tobacco should hire my mom to head their public relations.  Also, smoking has always been some kind of rebellion for her—against whom or what I don't know.  But she says "they" are not going to stop her from smoking.

Why does my mom get so angry when I go directly to the source of dad’s cancer and I don't question the surgery or blame the hospital?  She's the one who keeps bringing it up about the surgery.

Worried Son 

Dear Worried Son, 

Hopefully, I can shed some light on what may be motivating your mother’s reactions.  Deep down inside, she may know that you are right, but she will never admit it because that would mean that she would be partly to blame for your father’s illness and death.  She is dealing with a tremendous burden of unresolved grief, as evidenced by her continuing to talk about the surgery and blame the doctors and the hospital for his death.  In reality, the decision to proceed with the surgery was no doubt a joint decision that also involved your dad’s wishes.  Everyone involved made the best decision that they could with the information that they had at the time, hoping to extend your father’s life.  However, nobody could have predicted the future and there are risks involved in every surgery.  Blaming the doctors and the hospital will not help your mother to better manage her grief and will only keep her anger alive.  The best you can do when she mentions the surgery again is to simply say something like, “I miss him too, Mom,” and just leave it at that.  No need to discuss anything about who or what was to blame.  If she continues to talk about the surgery, just say, “We thought it would help,” and then change the subject by sharing some happy memories of your dad. 

I suspect that your mother gets angry when you bring up smoking because it appears that you are blaming your dad’s death on smoking, and you believe that part of the blame for that lies with her.  She perceives that as a personal attack.  The message is that she should have stopped him from smoking instead of contributing to it.  Unfortunately, nicotine is highly addictive and no amount of lecturing on the dangers of smoking will make a person stop smoking.  A smoker must be self-motivated to quit.  Lecturing also tends to backfire by causing the person to continue to smoke.  Most of us resent being told what to do, and so we do the opposite to prove that we have the freedom to do whatever we please.  Whether it’s smoking, drinking, unhealthy eating habits, or not wearing a seat belt, we don’t like being told what to do or what not to do.  This is especially true when a child tells the parent what they should do.  In a parent’s mind, the thoughts are, “I brought you into this world.  I raised you.  So, you don’t have the right to tell me how to live my life.”  The best you can do about your mother is to stop telling her that she should quit smoking and stop mentioning that your dad would probably still be alive today if he had quit smoking.  Just pray that she will develop the desire to quit smoking before it’s too late for her, too.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

She is Afraid She Won’t Go to Heaven Because of Her Sexual Sin

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I’m having a lot of anxiety lately thinking about death. I’m concerned I won’t make it into heaven because of a few things.

1. I had premarital sex when I was a high school student with the man who is now my husband.  I was 17 then.  I am now 26.
2. Our oldest child was born before we got married.  We had been living together, but hadn’t married yet.
3. I cheated on my husband before we were married.  He knows about it all now, and we got married after it happened. 

I have asked and asked for forgiveness of all my sins but I don’t know what else I need to do.  I want to make sure I am doing what I need to do.  I don’t have a church so I have no pastor to talk to about this.

Help please! 

Dear Help Please, 

I have been studying on how to answer you in such a way that will help to alleviate your anxiety and lead you to do whatever you need to do to find forgiveness.  I am going to give you a lot of scriptural references, and I pray that you read and study all of them with an open and receptive heart. 

First of all, let me say that God is very pleased with your tender heart and the regret that you feel for your sin (Psalm 51:17).  Your situation is a common one, and even Christians can succumb to the temptation to sin sexually.  A person who commits sexual sin is particularly prone to feelings of guilt and shame because they have sinned against their own body (1 Corinthians 6:18).  However, guilt and shame are magnified for the Christian who sins sexually.  A Christian tells himself, “I knew better, but I did it anyway.  I should have been stronger.”  Even worse, sometimes Christians think that God will not forgive them when they commit sexual sin because they knew it was wrong and therefore they sinned “willfully” (Hebrews 10:26-27).  However, sinning willfully does not mean committing sin out of weakness; it means committing sin out of rebellion.  It means turning your back on God and not caring whether something is wrong or not.  Sinning out of weakness is not the same as willful (rebellious) sin.  The Lord knows that the spirit is willing, but the flesh indeed is weak (Matthew 26:41).  However, that doesn’t excuse sin.  God recognizes that we will sin, and that’s why Jesus is our advocate (1 John 2:1-2).  When challenged to punish a woman who committed adultery, Jesus told her to go and sin no more (John 8:3-11).  That’s what repentance is—turning from sin.  

The blood of Jesus is the answer for any sin, including sexual sins (1 Corinthians 6:9-11), but how does one become washed, sanctified, and justified by His blood?  One must be in Christ in order for sins to be forgiven (Romans 8:1).  We are told in Galatians 3:27 that we are baptized into Christ.  Acts 2:38 tells us that we are to repent and be baptized for the remission of sins, and Acts 22:16 says, “And now why are you waiting? Arise and be baptized, and wash away your sins, calling on the name of the Lord.”  If you have never been baptized for the remission of sins, I urge you to find a gospel preacher who will baptize you.  (If you need help finding a preacher who will do this, please let me know.)  If a preacher or anyone else tells you that you do not need to be baptized for the remission of sins, that all you need to do is believe and accept Jesus into your heart as your Lord and Savior, RUN.  That is NOT what the Bible says.  Even Jesus said that one must be baptized (Mark 16:16), and the phase “accept Jesus into your heart” is not found anywhere in the Bible.  If you have already been baptized for the remission of sins, then you are already a Christian, and 1 John 1:7-9 says that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and if we walk in the light as He is in the light, the blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin.  As Christians, we can have full assurance that God forgives us completely and will not punish us for our sins.  Read Psalm 103:8-14.  “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit” (Romans 8:1).

God Bless,

Aunt Dara 

Note to my readers:  Before you comment that the Bible does not teach what I told this person, please put aside what you have been taught and study what the Bible says.

She Lost a Friend over Differing Opinions

Dear Aunt Dara,

I am confused about the behavior of one of my friends.  She teaches a ladies’ Bible class at a church where I was a member for almost a year.  She frequently describes herself as a devout Christian and a godly woman.  She says she has superior Bible knowledge, and the ladies in her class admire her and look up to her for advice and guidance on how to be a godly woman.  She and I had become good friends.  We both liked to cook and exchange recipes, and we went on shopping trips together.  I never hesitated to discuss my problems with her and I valued her input.  Then things changed about three months ago when she said during one of her classes that it is sinful for Christians to participate in politics in any way.  She said we are citizens of heaven and we must be separate from the world and not have anything to do with anything remotely patriotic or political.  She had some very harsh things to say about Christians who vote in elections.  (My grandfather was a state senator back in the 1960s and I was raised to believe that it is our Christian duty to elect representatives who respect Christian values and who will enact laws that honor God.)  Since open discussion is encouraged in her class, I spoke up and said that I disagree with her and I explained why.  She just turned her head away from me and continued to talk against Christians having any kind of political involvement.  A week later, I moved 90 miles away to begin a new job.  I tried to keep in contact with her through Facebook Messenger, but she never replied to any of my messages and she stopped liking and commenting on my Facebook posts. 

Two weeks ago, I went back to that church and attended her class.  She totally ignored me.  She never even looked in my direction.  I was so hurt that I just left without trying to talk to her.  When I got home, I messaged her and asked her why she has been ignoring me.  She replied that I was disrespectful to her when I disagreed with her on politics.  I responded back that I don’t recall saying anything that was disrespectful to her, and she replied, “That’s what they all say,” and then she blocked me.  She blocked me!  I don’t get it.  Is it disrespectful to express a different opinion or to disagree with a Bible teacher?  How can a mature, devout, godly Christian with superior Bible knowledge just cut off another Christian for seeing things differently?  And why did she just cut off communication with me instead of discussing it with me?   

Hurt and Confused 

Dear Hurt and Confused, 

I can see how you could be confused about her behavior and I understand how much the loss of a friendship is hurtful.  I can’t say for sure why she is treating you this way.  Human behavior is difficult to explain.  However, I do have some observations. 

You ask, “Is it disrespectful to express a different opinion or to disagree with a Bible teacher?”  The answer is no.  It is quite normal for Christians to have differing views because no two people think exactly alike.  In any disagreement, one must ask, “What does the Bible say about it?”  If the Bible does not say anything about a topic, then it falls into the category of opinion.  The Bible in Romans chapter 14 refers to these as “disputable matters” (NIV) or “doubtful things” (NKJV).  Does the Bible address a Christian’s involvement in politics and government?  No, not specifically, so both sides of the issue may have valid points.  The Bible does say that we are citizens of heaven (Philippians 3:20) and we are to be separate from the world (2 Corinthians 6:17), so the teacher is right about that.  However, that does not mean that Christians are to deny, ignore, or renounce their earthly citizenship and the rights and privileges that come with it.  After the apostle Paul became a Christian, he did not renounce his earthly citizenship and the rights afforded to him by that citizenship (Acts 22:22-29, Acts 25:1-12).  Christians during the First Century did not live in a democratic society that gave them a voice in their government, but if they had, Paul likely would have used his citizenship right and privilege to vote in elections.  However, that teacher does not see it that way, and the Bible doesn’t specifically address the issue.  If she believes that it is a sin for Christians to vote, for her it is a sin (Romans 14:23).   

You ask, “How can a mature, devout, godly Christian with superior Bible knowledge just cut off another Christian for seeing things differently?”  Having superior Bible knowledge is not an indication that a person is a mature, devout, godly Christian.  Spiritual maturity is evident in how a person behaves.  The spiritually mature Christian will demonstrate the qualities found in Galatians 5:22-23, Ephesians 4:25-32, 2 Peter 1:5-9, and many other scriptures.  When faced with a differing opinion during a Bible class, a mature Christian would say something like, “That’s an interesting point and we can talk about that some more after class.”  Unfortunately, public disagreements are one of the problems that can result with open discussion Bible classes.  Ideally, a Bible class teacher should stick to what the Bible actually does say without going beyond what is written. 

You ask, “Why did she just cut off communication with me instead of discussing it with me?”  Discussing it with you would have been the appropriate response for a spiritually mature Christian, but apparently she has not developed to that point yet.  Evidently, she is an insecure person who has an emotional need to be held in esteem and recognized as a “devout Christian” and a “godly woman” with “superior Bible knowledge.”  Consequently, she views any disagreement as a blow against the image that she tries so hard to maintain.  You are not the first person she has cut out of her life.  She has done this to multiple people as evidenced by her statement, “That’s what they all say.”  By blocking you, she made it clear that she will not accept any further communication from you, so the best thing to do at this point is to pray for her. 

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Longing to have Romance in Her Marriage Again

Dear Aunt Dara,

I recently celebrated my 25^th wedding anniversary.  I planned a weekend out of town.  My husband has never been much for romance and I'm an old romantic soul at heart.  He is a kind man, hardworking and honest.  He loves me and we both love the Lord.  For these past years I've tried to be the romantic one and hoped that would satisfy my need.  It did not.  I've talked with my husband about how I feel and the need I have to be pursued by him.  I don't think he thinks it's that big of a deal.  But to me, it is getting more and more painful.  I need assurance with affection and attention.  Without it and then ignoring what I've asked, it hurts.  And I'm not talking romance every day.  Just sharing life together and intentionally loving one another.  I've prayed to God to remove this need from me.  He has not.  My passion for people and for life is who I am.  As I suppress it, for so long now, I'm losing me.  I'm not truly happy.  I'm ignoring myself and it shows.  I hate what I see in the mirror.  I do not see good choices before me.  I know my hope is in the Lord and that His love never fails, and for that I have a peace and a joy. But my heart literally aches to not have my husband's love I so desire.  Thoughts for me?? 

Yearning for Romance

Dear Yearning,

Congratulations on your 25^th anniversary.  That's a long time to be married.  Your love for each other and for God are evidence that your husband and you have a solid base for your marriage.  However, I can sense the emotional pain that you must be feeling from the things that you expressed.  It appears that your husband does not share your deep need for romantic love.  He may not have been brought up by parents who were demonstrative in their affection and romance, and he may interpret love in ways that are more practical.

There are actually various ways that a person may demonstrate love.  A person may express love with words, either spoken or written, such as love letters, notes, poetry, love songs, or cards.  Love may be expressed by giving gifts, which may be any number of things small or large, or things that we tend to think of as more romantic, such as flowers, candy, jewelry, or a date night.  And of course love may be expressed by physical affection, such as hugging, kissing, holding hands.  Women thrive on these expressions of romantic love.  Men generally know this and are more likely to do these things before marriage.  After marriage, some men tend to think of these romantic expressions of love as non-essentials.  For them, courtship ends at the altar.  Why pursue what they already have?

Love can also be expressed in more practical ways.  Men tend to give more practical gifts that serve a purpose.  These could be small things that are needed for the household.  Even providing a home and transportation for the family are expressions of his love for his family.  Men also tend to express love though acts of service.  Some examples of acts of service include working to earn money to provide for their family (this is a big one for men), maintaining vehicles, making household repairs, doing yard work or assisting with housework, laundry or cooking.  A man may also express love by spending time with you and doing things with you.  If a man spends his time building something for you that he knows you will like and use, he has demonstrated his love for you because he thought enough about you to invest his time and work.

Although most men prefer to express love in more practical ways, that doesn't mean that they love us any less than we love them.  In fact, studies have shown that men tend to be more attached to the women they love than women are to the men they love.  Men tend feel more emotional pain than do women whenever a couple separates or divorces.  No doubt your husband loves you because you said that he is a kind man who is hardworking, honest, and he loves you and loves the Lord.  So look for his expressions of love each day and appreciate the ways that he demonstrates his love.  Respect him and be sure to tell him that you appreciate him, you are proud of him, and you are thankful that you married him.  Men love that.  Who knows?  He may take you out for a romantic date night.

Finally, here are a couple of suggestions that should make a difference in your outlook if you follow them:

1.     Instead of thinking about what he isn’t doing to make you feel loved, think about what you can do to make him feel loved, and then do it.

2.     I also noticed that you said that you celebrated your 25^th anniversary and you planned a weekend out of town.  A married couple is no longer two separate people living together.  They are united as one.  Make plans together.  Focus your thoughts on “we, us, and our” and incorporate those terms into your communication.  (We celebrated our anniversary.  We planned.)

God bless,
Aunt Dara