Dear Aunt Dara, 

I have been married to my husband for 39 years.  He is an only child raised by his grandmother for many years.  We have five children. He is 15 years older than I am.  I am so unhappy.  I have put up with his selfishness for years.  He really thinks he has no faults.  We live together as roommates.  We do not have sex anymore.  Not many people know the problems we have.  We look like a perfect couple.  He had a stroke and heart attack 4 years ago so I don't want to abandon him at a low point in his life.  Does God want me to keep carrying this through till death parts us?  I feel like I've lost myself.  I tried talking to my husband and he says he'll change, but he hurt me more so I don't use my voice because I'm so tired of hurting.  I've lost faith in leaving it in God's hand because it gets worse each year.  

Unhappy Wife

Dear Unhappy Wife,

I have been praying about your situation since I read your letter and I can tell that you are hurting very, very much and feel trapped and miserable in your marriage.  Thirty-nine years is a long time to be married, and no doubt your husband is getting old and sick.  Unfortunately, age and illness tends to bring out some of the worst in people, particularly when they feel that they have reached the end of their life and are realizing that their life has not been as they had hoped.  Your husband probably feel this way.  But you are young enough that you probably have more years to live a more fulfilling life.  That being said, you ask what God wants for your marriage.  The answer is in Mark 10:6-9 and 1 Corinthians 7:10-11.  Jesus said that God is the one who joins a man and woman in marriage, and we are commanded to not separate what God has joined together.  So yes, marriage is till death in God’s sight.  As the old preacher that married my husband and myself many years ago said, “When you take your wedding vows, you are not making a vow to another person.  You are making a vow to God, and it’s a very serious thing to break a vow that you made to God” (Deuteronomy 23:21-23, Ecclesiastes 5:4-5).

To help you to deal with the daily struggles of having an ill, aging husband who does not treat you well, it’s important that you take care of yourself and manage stress.  Be sure to take care of your physical needs, emotional needs, and spiritual needs.  Maintain adequate rest, exercise, and nutrition.  Do something that you enjoy every day.  Find someone to talk to and to socialize with.  Pray!  You can get through this because God will help you to cope.  Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  That’s God’s promise to you!

God bless,

Aunt Dara