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Integrating Compassion with the Wisdom of God’s Word

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The purpose of Aunt Dara’s Christian Advice Column is to glorify God by addressing human needs with compassion and the wisdom of God’s word.


Thursday, August 8, 2019

Study Group has been Causing Spiritual Problems

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I sometimes attend a small study group led by a woman I considered incredibly devout and spiritual.  She organizes the groups about once a year.  They meet regularly for a few months and then have a break until the next year.  Though I care about this woman, I'm having some trouble with her methods of ministry.  It seems as if she wants me to fall into some sort of sin so that she can save me through her spiritual counseling.  She will turn whatever I say into a way of making me seem unholy and lacking.  If I say, "I was worried about my dishwasher smoking yesterday," it becomes a lecture on how it's sinful to worry.  It is difficult to even make small talk with her without her turning it into some way I'm failing.  After I spend time with her, I feel awful, hopeless, and condemned.  I feel overwhelmed and overburdened, as if I can never live up to the legalistic standards required of me, so I stop reading the Bible and my prayer life suffers.  I just shut God out. I realized in the middle of a group session that I have been associating this woman's legalism with God's character.  It’s like my eyes have been opened.  This kind of hopeless condemnation is not from God.  I am really doing the absolute best I can to live a life without sin.  I put God first.  I'm totally open to a loving correction if someone sees actual sin in my life, but I don't feel that's her goal.  I have searched myself and I don't believe I have unresolved sin in my life at this moment.  Of course, I fail at times with my attitude or with grumbling, but according to the scriptures, His mercies are new every morning!  

I have decided that I will not sign up for the next round of this group, but I can't decide if I should quit this round.  Spending time with her has created a huge barrier in my heart and mind towards God in the past, so I would prefer to stop attending now.  I don't think she would be at all receptive to me speaking with her about it, and I don't even know how to explain what she does.  It's all so subtle.  I am not eloquent in speaking and I get easily flustered.  On the other hand, it's possible that I won't get so worked up about it now that I've realized that this heavy burden isn't from God, but a sad tool of the enemy which she's unconsciously wielding.  Do you have any wise counsel for me about how to tackle this entire thing?  Thanks!
Garden Momma 

Dear Garden Momma, 

I am glad that you have decided to not join the next set of group sessions because this does not sound like a spiritually healthy environment.  In the meantime, what obligation do you have to continue to attend something that is so harmful to you spiritually and puts your spiritual health in jeopardy?  None that I can see.  You are free to stop attending these group sessions immediately.  You do not have to speak to her about it, nor do you have to offer any excuses or reasons for not continuing.  Just stop attending.  If anyone asks you about it, just say, “It’s not working out for me to attend the group at this time.”  That is 100% the truth, and no explanation as for why it’s not working out is required.  If anyone asks you why it’s not working out, just say that your reasons are personal.  Ignore any attempts to get you to disclose your personal reasons.  Just keep repeating that the reasons are personal.  

God bless,
Aunt Dara

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