Should She Give Him a Second Chance? Part Two.

Hello Aunt Dara,

 

I know I’m writing you again, but I feel as if I might be letting go of someone who could be my future husband.  A few weeks ago I told you about a guy I was talking with for 6 months and then he disappeared into thin air for about a month.  He had been contacting me ever since with apologies and telling me that he wants a second chance.  I have prayed about him and this situation, but I have not heard an answer from God about it.  A part of me wants to have nothing to do with him, but the other side is telling me that maybe he truly is sincere and really wants to make a long lasting relationship.  As I also told you before, I am talking to another guy who is away at school.  We talk but it’s not very frequent and it’s sometimes short.  It is very difficult to gauge his feelings for me because he lives far away and he is in medical school so he is always busy.  A part of my heart says give him his space and let him study, and when he come back we will get to know each other better.  But the other side is saying he probably has lost interest in me and is probably talking to other women and by the time he comes back I’m afraid he won’t even try to go on a date.  He has taken the initiative to ask me how I am doing and sends me pictures via text from time to time.  Also, he asked me I plan to do about my schooling situation.  But I’m afraid because I don’t know how long that will last.  The funny thing is, I while ago I had a dream about him studying at school, but I have yet to have a dream or even hear an answer from God about the first guy.  (God speaks to me a lot through my dreams).  You see this is the reason I say I’m stuck in the middle.  Maybe it’s my insecurities that are causing me to feel this way.  What is the best way to approach this situation?  Also, you told me that the way the first guy was acting I should run from him.  Do you still think I should? I am having serious doubts. 

Sincerely,

Confused and Still Single 

Dear Confused and Still Single, 

There are two ways to approach relationships--romantic and pragmatic.  The romantic approach focuses on an idealized view of reality and is more concerned with feelings.  How does this person make me feel?  Does he make me happy?  The pragmatic approach deals with things more realistically based on practical considerations.  It focuses on behavior rather than feelings, and therefore is more logical and down-to-earth.  As I read your communications to me, I am wondering if you are so focused on what you hope a man will become and what you hope will happen with him in the future that you are ignoring what he has demonstrated that he is.  In other words, you are taking the romantic approach.  The problem with that approach is that it is feelings-based, and feelings change with time and circumstances.

When evaluating relationships, it's best to take a more pragmatic approach and focus on behavioral evidence.  Why?  Because men know how to play women.  They know what to say to charm women, and if a man wants you, he will tell you what you want to hear.  The man of your dreams will promise you the moon, but a down-to-earth man will fulfill your dreams.  So, look at the evidence (Matthew 7:15-20).  The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so how has each man treated you in the past?  (Do not listen to his promises that he will change.  That's one of the lines from his female play book.)  Does his behavior demonstrate stability and Christian maturity? (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Galatians 5:22, Ephesians 5:9, James 3:17, and 2 Peter 1:5-7).  And do not listen to your insecurities.  Focus on the objective evidence?  What evidence do you have that the man in medical school has another woman?  What is the evidence that the things you suspect are true?

You have no doubt heard, "Follow your heart," but the Bible says that the heart is deceptive (Jeremiah 17:9).  Unfortunately, dreams most often reflect what is in our heart, and therefore are not a guide to God's will.  God gave us an intellect with which to reason and He gave us the Bible to guide us.  So, my advice to you is to listen to God in His word (the Bible), and follow you head, not your heart.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

 

Dear Aunt Dara, 

 

Thank you.  You are right.  The other guy in school has said that he wants to take me on a romantic date when he comes back from school and wants to try to make it work.  So I just need to ask God to give me some patience and I need to give him some space.  I feel maybe this is a good opportunity to work on myself as well until December comes around because I really like him.  You never know with these guys nowadays, and maybe a long distance relationship is what I need to stay focused.

 

Confused and Still Single 

 

Dear Confused and Still Single, 

 

You're welcome, and I think you are making a wise decision. 

 

God bless,

Aunt Dara