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Integrating Compassion with the Wisdom of God’s Word

askauntdara@gmail.com


The purpose of Aunt Dara’s Christian Advice Column is to glorify God by addressing human needs with compassion and the wisdom of God’s word.


Thursday, May 4, 2017

She Finds it Difficult to Stop Kissing

Dear Aunt Dara,

I once thought that my first kiss would be on my wedding day, when the priest will officially announce us as husband and wife and say, "Now you may kiss the bride."  I always thought that a kiss is a very beautiful and intimate thing, but people around me think that a kiss is just a kiss, and a lot of them have had their first kiss.  I do not want to put a kiss onto a pedestal, but I thought that sharing something so intimate will easily lead into something further than that, and it is good not to have it so casually...

I am now in a relationship with a very nice man.  When we started the relationship, he said that we need to set clear boundaries, have accountable friends aside of each other, and most importantly, focus on God in our relationship.  I think we did start it right.  He is very respectful and we have a loving relationship.

Fast forward, just a few weeks ago, we were having lunch together.  He would be going home soon, so he hugged me close.  Then, he started to try to kiss me, and at first I avoided them.  However, I could not deny that I also really want to kiss him.  I have the urge too.  After some time, I allowed him to kiss me on my lips.  It was not long that we started to make out.  After he went home, I was still floating and did not believe I really did that.  My first kiss!  Not on my wedding day!  And I consented!

When he visited me afterwards, he said we should not make this a norm, and said he honestly felt very aroused because of it.  If we continued, it would be hard for us to be satisfied and would just want to go further, sliding on the slippery slope of sin.  So we repented and prayed together.  However, a few days after that we did it again.  I felt guilty, and admittedly it did not feel bad, and I felt guiltier because of it.  A few days afterwards, when he tried to make out with me again, I tried to stop him by telling him no.  However, he continued to kiss while hugging me close.  After some time, I gave up because again, I also have the urge and it did not feel bad.  After that time, he said that he realized I did not want to do it at first but he already felt too lustful to stop.  He said that next time if he started, slap him or hit him to stop it.

Just a few days ago, I was very tired after an important deadline, and we had dinner together.  We talked for some time then he hugged me, then after some time he started to kiss me again.  I tried to tell him no, and I tried to pull back, but he held my head and body close to him.  I hit him lightly on his back, as I did not really have the energy.  He then continued to plead to me, please, just for a few moments.  I said no, we have promised not to do it again.  He continued to plead and said how much he wanted it.  It was heart-breaking for me to hear him pleading like that, and it's not like I did not want to do it, but I did not want to compromise anymore, as it would be just a vicious cycle if I gave up again.  As I could not really do anything, I could not tell him off, I could not move much, and I could not back away from him, with all the emotional conflict I had in my mind, I started to cry.  It was really hard to do anything with having someone keep kissing you like that.  Having realized that I cried, he then stopped immediately.  He still said how much he wanted to make out with me, but he did not do anything anymore.  He said that deep down he also knew that it was wrong, and we have talked about this several times, but it was really difficult to resist the temptation.  It's like the Pandora's Box has been opened, so it was really hard not to do it anymore.

How do I deal with this situation?  Am I just making too big a deal out of this?  Is it really just a kiss and just a make-out session?  He is nice and respectful, and I do really like him a lot.  He knows that he is wrong, but I think it is very hard to resist the physical temptation, especially for him.

Sincerely,
A very confused girl

Dear Confused Girl,

Of course you have the urge to participate in the hugging and kissing, and it doesn’t feel bad to you.  That’s normal.  That’s the way God created our bodies.  You summed up the concerns when you said that if it continues it will become hard for you both to be satisfied and you will want to go further, sliding down the slippery slope of sin.  When this kissing activity first started, you indicated that you both repented and prayed.  Where was the repentance?  Since he keeps pressuring you into these make-out sessions, it seems that his “repentance” and prayer may have been an attempt on his part to say the things that he thought you wanted to hear.  Even though the two of you have discussed this several times and he knows the danger, he is still initiating these make-out sessions and pressuring you to continue.  You are already at the point of sin.  You are participating in an activity that is causing him to sin and he acknowledges that he feels aroused by the hugging and kissing and admits he feels too lustful to stop.  He is demonstrating that he lacks self-control.  To make matters worse, he is trying to put the responsibility for his behavior on you by telling you to slap him, yet he prevents you from taking control by holding you so close that you cannot move.  I suspect that he is trying to wear you down because he wants more.  He hopes if he keeps hugging and kissing you will reach a point where you will want him to go further. 

So, how are you and your boyfriend focusing on God in your relationship????? 

Twice you said that your boyfriend is respectful, but his actions demonstrate the opposite. He doesn’t respect your “no.”  A gentleman who respects women takes cues from the woman.  He understands that “No” means “NO.”  He stops when she says, “Stop.”  He lets go of her when he feels her pull away.  He does not kiss her if she is resistant, and he does not beg or pressure her for more than what she freely wants to give.  You said that the two of you have a loving relationship, but he is not demonstrating love for you.  He is demonstrating lust.  The kissing always seems to start “after some time” of “close” hugging.  This tells me that the hugs are not brief and his thoughts and motives are not pure.  Therefore, I urge you to do the following: 
1.     Sincerely repent and pray for forgiveness.  Repentance means changing your behavior.  Therefore………
2.     Stop participating in make-out sessions!  They are not safe and they cause him to sin through lust and place you in jeopardy of doing something you will later regret (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7).
3.     Stop placing yourself in situations with him that could lead to sin. 
4.     Avoid hugging.
5.     Avoid being alone with him.
6.     Find yourself a Christian woman that you trust and become accountable to her (James 5:16).
If this man truly loves you, he will respect your wishes and follow these guidelines.  If he resists following these guidelines, you would do best to end the relationship.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

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