Short story: How do my boyfriend/soon-to-be fiancé and I quell our increasing desire for each other, at least until we're married?
Long story: I am 18. I have been with my boyfriend since junior high, we are both Christians, and we really strive to have a God-centered relationship. We occasionally study the Bible together or pray together when life problems arise, and we're very open about our faith between the two of us. We're so lucky to have each other. We met at church, though we're in the middle of church switching right now so we don't have anyone to talk to about this. After our freshman year of college is over, we're getting married (and continuing college of course—we both want a Ph.D.). It's pretty much agreed upon among the family, and all we have to do is stage a proposal (of course it's no surprise, after pretty much growing up together all these years). But that is a little over a year away, and our desire for intimacy with each other is getting a bit out of hand. Of course, we would never even consider premarital sex, but the wait is about to kill us. It really just intensified this last year, and we seriously have no idea what to do about it. Every time we are together it's a struggle to keep our boundaries, which we've even relaxed over the years. (At this point, we're not going to freak out if we're too close to each other or if kissing might involve a little tongue. Seriously.) We just really want to be close to each other, but we can't. We find ourselves thinking about sex with the other person WAY MORE THAN WE SHOULD, and way more than we ever have. At one time or another we've even both tried porn (and left very disturbed, guilty, and disappointed, because obviously simple sexual gratification isn't what we're looking for). It's like the years have worn on our will and the threads are slowly snapping one by one. We've already had two or three "incidents,” and neither of us have ever considered ourselves lusty or sexually charged people, even him (and he's a guy)! We're both miserable about it all. I really love him and he really loves me, so we really want to respect each other. We both really love God, so we really want to do what is right, but it's getting to the point that sitting in the same room with him is like sitting in the same room with a giant plate of spaghetti after having not eaten for two days, and I imagine he would describe similar or worse feelings. Help!
High School Sweetheart
I wish I had the answer for taking away the sexual desire that you and your boyfriend have for each other, but I do not. God created us as humans and sexual desires are a part of His plan for us as humans. However, we need to control our sexual desires and use them as God intended. I know that you are aware of God's will in this regard and want to remain pure until marriage. The temptations must be hard to bear, and there are no easy solutions.
- You could move up the wedding date, but that is not a recommended solution. You are young and have several years of college ahead of you.
- You could avoid seeing each other, but that might not be desirable or practical.
- You could avoid being alone with him, but that is probably not what either of you would want.
- Increase your Bible study time together (you might consider studying 1 Corinthians 6: 9-20).
- Pray together more often than just when life’s problems arise. Make joint prayer a common thing. Pray individually before you see each other. If sexual desires begin flooding your mind when you are together, pray some more.
- If temptations begin to take over and you are afraid that you might go too far, you may have to physically separate yourselves until your passions cool.
I hope these suggestions are helpful, and I will continue to keep you in my prayers.
God bless,Aunt Dara