I
am a 21-year-old Christian woman and lately the struggle of being single and
waiting until marriage has taken a toll on me. The Bible tells us that we should wait until
marriage before having sex and I do agree, but I feel the older I get the
harder it is. I am waiting, but it feels
useless. Most guys I talk to haven't
waited, so I often wonder if it’s really worth it. What am I waiting for then? Being a virgin is getting to be a burden more
than a blessing. The Bible talks about
not burning with passion and getting married and I know we weren't meant to be
alone, but how am I supposed to wait when I have these feelings? Since we are supposed to wait on God’s timing,
what if I don't get married until later on in life? I am in a state of confusion and even
depression. I meet a lot of guys that I
come to like and then they tell me they haven't waited and I feel useless. I hold so much value to my virginity, but does
it have any value? What if I marry a man
that has had sex prior to marriage? I
know we should forgive, but it’s very difficult because I want that experience
to happen for the first time for both of us. I often feel like a naive girl who still
believes in happy endings, and the more I date, the more I am upset and even
angry at God. I am sorry if my words are
all jumbled, but I am trying to express all my emotions at once. I hope to hear from you soon.
Still
Waiting
Dear Waiting,
First of all, I would like to say
that I believe that you have a heart for God and you really want to do the
right thing. I can tell that you are
struggling with this, and it’s deeply affecting you spiritually and
emotionally. I pray that what I’m about
to say is helpful and will serve to both guide you spiritually and alleviate
some of your emotional pain.
Two virgins sharing their first
sexual experience on their wedding night is a dream that many Christian young
people share. However, reality often
does not match our dreams, as you are discovering. You state that you wonder if it’s worth it to
keep your virginity when so many young men are not, and how would you be able
to forgive your husband if he was among those who had sex prior to
marriage. We forgive others because we
have been forgiven. As Christians, we
are all weak, fallible human beings who are trying to do the best we can to
please God and avoid sin, but temptations are strong and we sometimes give in
(Romans 7). The point is to not give up
trying to please God and turn to committing sin deliberately and habitually (Romans
6:16, Hebrews 10:26-27). I think that young
people get caught up in the idea of finding someone to marry so we will be able
to satisfy our sexual urges, which are normal for us to have. However, we are missing the point. Submission to God’s will and His timing
should be our goal, rather than fulfilling the lust of the flesh. Too many young people rush into marriage because
of fleshly lust, only to regret it later.
Getting married should not be our goal.
Following God’s will should be our goal.
If marriage is His will for us, He will bring the right person into our
lives at the right time—and that’s why maintaining our virginity is worth
it.
It’s worrisome that this has become
a self-esteem issue for you and you are struggling with feelings of
uselessness, depression, and anger toward God.
I strongly suggest that you find an older Christian woman and share with
her your struggles (James 5:16), and if your self-esteem and depression do not
improve, please talk to a professional counselor who is a Christian. I also suggest that you read “Having Sex in a
Committed Relationship with the Person You Love” that I posted on February 21,
2016 and pay particular attention to the Footnote to My Readers Regarding Sin
which is at the end of that post.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
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