Dear Aunt Dara,
I am 20 years old, and I have been a Christian since I was little. My relationship with Jesus has gradually increased over the years, and it is the most important part of my life today. I love reading Christian books, listening to podcasts and sermons, journaling my prayers, listening to worship music, and having Bible studies with others. I love these things so much that it feels abnormal sometimes.
Feeling Alone in my Faith
Dear Feeling Alone,
God bless,
Aunt Dara
Dear Aunt Dara,
I think God is a holding a door open for me but I am not entirely sure. Being that I am new to the faith, I do not have many elders or others to consult with for biblical wisdom. Part of the reason I have not fully taken advantage of this door of opportunity is because my parents don't think that I should enter this door. I do not want to disobey them and more importantly I do not want to disobey the Lord. Both of them have told me that they do not think that I should pursue a passion of mine. For a long time I have tried explaining my passion to them, but they get upset or change the subject. My passion is not something that goes against the Bible; my parents and I simply have conflicting views on my career path. (Side note: I do not think that my parents have consulted the Lord in this matter. We see things differently theologically, and so that is the reason I have not asked them if they have done so or not.)
Yet, for some reason I keep getting this feeling that God wants me to take this opportunity. In fact, I think that this passion of mine may even be one of the reasons that He put me on this earth. For this reason, I have continued to pursue my passion. I am 23 years old, so I know that I am not a child, but I am in still living with my parents because I am a part time student finishing college. I am having trouble deciding whether I should just move out and pursue my passion. For months I having been praying about my situation. During this time, the Lord has strengthened my faith in Him. At first, it seemed as though my parents were right because things were not working out so that I could pursue my passion. But then there was a turning point that made me re-evaluate my situation. I believe that He has even allowed me to volunteer where I receive training for my passion. The woman in charge of the training facility has allowed me exchange my volunteer hours so that I do not have to pay for training at the facility. In other words, she allows me to volunteer to do odd jobs at her facility in exchange for free training. In the meantime, I was also blessed with a part time job in the food industry that has helped me pay my bills (although it's unrelated to my passion).
My parents have become increasingly persistent about me stopping my passion and pursuing a different path. But at the same time I have received more opportunities than ever to sharpen my skills for my passion. Moving out would probably upset my parents and other members of my family, but I would be able to pursue my passion. By the same token, moving out would create another large bill that could cause me to graduate college a little later, but financial challenges will increase my dependence upon God. Due to these opposing conditions, I am a little uncertain about whether God is opening the door or not? Any insights or scripture suggestions?
Thanks,
Standing at Welcome Mat
Dear Standing at the Welcome Mat,
You ask if God is opening a door for you. It’s often difficult to know if God is
leading you or if you are following your own desire. When we deeply desire something, it is very tempting
to try to do things to fulfill our desire.
However, the Bible says, “O Lord, I know the way of man is not in
himself; It is not in man who walks to direct his own steps” (Jeremiah 10:23). The Bible tells us that the Lord directs our
steps and we are not to lean on our own understanding (Proverbs 20:24, Proverbs
3:5-6). So, how do we know that the Lord
is directing our steps or if we are trying to direct our own way? By (1) consulting the Bible, (2) seeking
advice, and (3) examining the evidence. In
determining whether or not God wants you to take any course of action, the
first place to go is to the Bible. What
does the Bible say about the thing under consideration? Always follow what the Bible says! If the Bible doesn’t speak about the topic,
then seek godly advice from faithful, mature Christians and look at the
evidence before you. So, let’s look at
the evidence before you.
According to what you have written, the evidence that God wants you to pursue your passion is because you have been given the opportunity to receive free training for your passion in exchange for doing volunteer work. The only other evidence that you provide in support of pursuing your passion is that you keep getting a feeling that God wants you to take this opportunity. Personal feelings can never be presented as evidence of God’s will. The Bible says that the heart is deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9).
In contrast, the evidences that God does not want you to
pursue you passion are:
1.
Your parents strongly disapprove.
2.
You would have to move out into your own housing.
3.
It would upset other family members.
4.
You would face financial challenges.
5.
It would delay your college graduation.
6. Your passion apparently is unrelated to the college degree that you are pursuing.
I have read your letter multiple times. One thing stands out very clearly. You refer to your passion 12 times, yet you do not specify what your passion is. This tells me that you either are ashamed of your passion, or you think that I will side with your parents if you tell me what it is. I know you said that your passion is not against the Bible, but I tend to think that perhaps it is. If it were not against the Bible, then why be so vague and why would your parents be so opposed to it? You said that you do not believe that your parents have consulted the Lord about your passion because you and your parents have different theological viewpoints. That also tells me that your parents believe that your passion is against the Bible. You said that they get upset when you try to talk to them about your passion and they have become increasingly more persistent about your stopping it. That tells me that they fear that your eternal salvation may be at risk if you continue to follow your passion. If that is the case, then your parents will NEVER support your choice to follow your passion. I do believe that your parents have prayed for you, many, many times. But their prayer is that you will have the wisdom to make the right decision. Wisdom listens to the counsel of parents (Proverbs 1:8).
I know this isn’t the answer that you were hoping you would
get from me, but my prayer and desire is that you make a wise decision based on
the Lord’s will and not your own will.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
Dear Aunt Dara,
When my husband and I married six years ago his cousin was living with him and paying nominal rent. He was recently sober (from alcohol only—pot and pills didn’t count), and after we married he moved into a condo owned by my brother-in-law. Long story short: His sobriety didn’t last and he ended up homeless.
In the meantime my husband and I now have two kids under the age of 5 and we are planning on moving into a larger house. His cousin has recently become sober again and claims not to be drinking, taking pills, or smoking pot. My husband has asked that we move his cousin in with us “to give him a family life.” I am vehemently opposed and actually told him as such about a year ago when he mentioned this then as well; at which point I got a 30 minute long Jesus lecture.
My husband sets no boundaries with people who live with him (I saw this
firsthand while we were dating) and I am afraid his cousin will start drinking
again and my husband will not kick him out. We desperately need marriage counseling, but I
don’t know if it will help. He is very
stubborn, especially when he thinks what he is doing is right (even if it is
being an enabler of a mooch, as he feels it is his Christian duty). Please help! I don’t want to live with his cousin.
Worried Wife
Dear Worried Wife,
Thank you for writing to me about this most difficult situation. For a thing to be considered a “Christian duty,” there must be a scripture that instructs Christians to do it. The Bible clearly says “if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8), but we need to look at the context of this verse—providing assistance to widows (1 Timothy 5:3-16). Verse 4 says, “But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God.” Verses 9-16 expand further by listing qualifications for a widow to be eligible for assistance from the church. We know that a person’s spouse and underage children are included in the instruction to provide for one’s own and for those in his household. We also know from verses 4 and 16 that parents and grandparents who have become unable to provide for themselves are also included. However, what scripture instructs a Christian to provide support for an adult relative, regardless of how this person is related to you?
Some people will argue that we are to provide unlimited help to anyone in need, citing Matthew 25:31-46. However, nothing in this passage indicates or suggests that assistance rendered must be continuous, ongoing and unlimited. Just as visiting the sick or imprisoned person is temporary and time-limited, so providing assistance to a needy person is a temporary situation. Jesus did not say that we are to continue to feed, house, and clothe a needy person. Even if this person is a relative, we are not to allow them to become dependent on us. The Apostle Paul wrote in 2 Thessalonians 3:6-12 that a person should be self-supporting. A person should not take advantage of others or become a burden to others (a mooch, as you put it). He even said that it’s commanded that “if anyone will not work, neither shall he eat” (2 Thessalonians 3:10).
Regarding your specific situation, bringing an adult cousin with a long-standing problem of substance abuse and addiction into your home would be unwise at best, and would most likely be a mistake that your husband will regret. He may be your head (Ephesians 5:22-33), but that does not mean that your wishes should be disregarded. When making a decision that affects the entire family, both husband and wife must be in agreement. After all, it’s your home, too. One spouse cannot bring in a third party to share a living arrangement without the full consent and approval of the other spouse. To bring another resident into the home against the wishes of the other spouse will most likely destroy the marriage. I’ve seen it happen, multiple times. You also have to consider the affect this would have on your children, who are still quite young and impressionable. At best, this man would be setting a bad example for your children. It may also pose a risk for them, or for you. Your husband must put you and the children first. That is his Christian duty. He has no moral obligation as a Christian to provide housing for an adult cousin.
For additional information, I recommend
that you read my post “Must a Christian Help Everyone Who Asks for Assistance?”
published on October 24, 2017 and my post “Drawing the Line Between Helping
Others and Being Used” published on April 24, 2019. Both of these posts deal with similar
issues. You may access them at https://askauntdara.blogspot.com/2017/10/must-christian-help-everyone-who-asks.html
and https://askauntdara.blogspot.com/2019/04/drawing-line-between-helping-others-and.html. This is a summation of the major points:
1.
The Bible instructs us to be temperate in all things (1
Corinthians 9:25, 1 Timothy 3:11), which means to show moderation, to have
self-restraint, and to do things within a reasonable limit.
2.
We need to do good works within a reasonable limit, and
the Bible warns us that we will destroy ourselves if we do not (Ecclesiastes
7:15-16).
3.
Christians are to follow Jesus’ example and do good to
others (Acts 10:38, Galatians 6:10).
4.
Jesus set an example of taking frequent breaks from
helping others so that He could meet His own needs (Luke 5:15-16). He did not allow other people’s needs to
cause Him to neglect His own needs.
5.
Jesus recognized when people were trying to take
advantage of Him and did not give them what they wanted (John 6:22-27).
6.
Jesus did not always respond to requests and He set
conditions for the people He helped (Matthew 15:21-28).
7.
God does not always give us what we ask for in prayer
and sets conditions for His blessings (John 9:31, James 1:5-8, James 4:3, 2
Corinthians 12:7-9).
8.
Therefore, if God can deny requests and set limits and
conditions for what He does for people, then we can do the same. You have the right to set appropriate limits
and conditions with others, and you have the right to turn down requests.
9.
Helping means that you render assistance, and inherent
in this definition is the understanding that such aid is temporary until the
person no longer needs assistance (2 Corinthians 8:11-14).
10. If
the person is not moving toward gaining independence, you are not helping them,
you are fostering dependency. In other
words, you are enabling them. God
expects people to provide for their own needs and not become dependent on others
(2 Thessalonians 3:10, Ephesians 4:28).
God bless,
Aunt Dara
Dear Aunt Dara,
I was baptized as a
teenager and attended church regularly for a time. I became involved with an older crowd and
stopped going to church, although I was still a believer. At age 20 I married a man 10 years older than
myself. He’s an atheist. I allowed him to use logic to convince me
not to believe. We were married for 31
years. There were lots of problems in
our marriage (he’s an alcoholic, we went bankrupt, he put his friends ahead of
me, etc.), but he was always faithful to me. I returned to church and he was supportive of
it but would not attend with me. Then a
few years ago, only a few months after I had begun regular church
attendance, an old flame from high school looked me up and contacted
me. He said he had loved me ever since
high school. He’s a Christian and even
has a pastoral credential. I began to believe that God had sent this
man to rescue me from my unhappy marriage.
We had an affair. I moved
out and divorced my husband.
The relationship with
the old flame was tumultuous, to say the least and I’ve finally ended it for
good. My ex-husband still wants me back. I am committed to living
as a Christian and doing God’s will. I
have prayed about this but I don’t have anyone I can talk to about it. We
have two grown children. Our daughter
does NOT want us to get back together. Our son is indifferent. How can I know God’s will? What is the
right thing to do? Do I go back to my ex-husband even though he’s an
atheist, or do I try to find a Christian man? Please help!
Seeking God’s will
Dear Seeking,
First of all, I would like to commend you for ending the relationship with your old flame and for your desire to do what the Lord would have you to do. You ask if you should go back to your ex-husband who is an atheist, who is an alcoholic, who drew you away from God previously, but yet he was your husband for 31 years, he is the father of your children, and he is willing to forgive you for your unfaithfulness and take you back. I am sure that you would get all kinds of opinions about this, but ultimately it is your decision. Nobody can tell you if you should go back to him or not, including me. However, I can give you some scriptures that may help you to make a wise decision. Please read the 7th chapter of First Corinthians, and pay particular attention to verses 10 and 11. Notice that the Lord gives you two choices in verse 11, but getting involved with another man is not one of them. Also refer to Mark 10:2-12, 1 Peter 3:1-6, and 2 Corinthians 6:14-18.
Regardless of what you decide regarding reuniting with him, God wants you to be faithful to Him and He wants your husband to believe and have a saving faith in Him (Hebrews 11:6 and 2 Peter 3:9). Therefore your primary goal should be to increase your own resolve to remain faithful to the Lord and focus on bringing your husband to believe in God. Learning what the Bible says through hearing, reading and studying it, is the best way to increase one’s faith and promote belief in God (Romans 10:13-17), but since your husband will not attend church he may be unlikely to study the Bible with you or read it for himself. Therefore, I consulted with a preacher friend of mine who recommended books written by an atheist who set out to disprove the existence of God but in the process he became a believer. The books are The Case for a Creator: A Journalist Investigates Scientific Evidence That Points Toward God and The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. Mr. Strobel is a journalist for the Chicago Tribune, and he has written other books, among which are The Case for Faith, The Case for Christianity and The Case for Easter (about the resurrection). I have not read any of these books, and I am usually very hesitant to recommend anything that I have not read personally, but I respect this preacher’s opinion.
Please keep in mind that becoming a Christian and sincerely following Christ is the best way to improve a marriage and to help a person to overcome problems, so things should start to get better if your husband becomes a believer. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. Please let me know if this was helpful.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
Dear Aunt Dara,
I have been in a relationship with this guy for about three years now and it's not going very well. Yes, I know that feelings change as time goes on, and the way it feels when a relationship is just starting will eventually go away. However, right now in our relationship we don't even talk to each other, and it seems as if every time we talk to each other we get into an argument. It would be one thing if this had been going on for a few months, but this has been going on for over a year. I am tired of it. To make it even worse, I think I like someone else. He goes to my church and I was told by friends that he likes me, too. He is a great guy and has helped me out and looked out for me in so many ways I don't know how to thank him. But I want to work my current relationship out if I can. I just don't want to pick the wrong one or go out of the will of God for my life. I prayed on it but I have yet to get an answer. I will continue praying on it. I would just like some advice to help me through this.
Totally Confused
Dear Totally Confused,
Thank you so much for writing to me and trusting me with your
situation. I can see that you are
confused, and justly so. It's
understandable that you are tired of the arguing. Some things to consider are:
1.
Are you arguing about the same things over and over, or
are the arguments over different things each time?
2.
Do the arguments end with a resolution, or are you both
still in disagreement when they end?
3.
Do the arguments involve anger, physical aggression,
name calling, accusations, etc.?
4.
Is he also troubled by the arguments and ready to try
to work things out to avoid them?
Arguing is not necessarily an unhealthy thing in a relationship, but
constant arguing or arguing that leads to anger, hurt feelings, verbal or
physical aggression, or not resolving the issues are red flags of an unhealthy
relationship. Unfortunately, I read
nothing in your email that indicates that you currently have a healthy
relationship with your boyfriend. It may
be time to have a heart to heart talk with your boyfriend to see if he is
willing to work out your problems.
As I said in my post on January 8, 2017, the scriptures do not teach that
God chooses “the one” that we are to be with and we must find the “right one”
that God has chosen for us. God has
given us free will to choose to marry whomever we wish (see Numbers 36:6 and 1
Corinthians 7:39), but He expects us to make the choice that will honor Him. If being with your boyfriend makes you feel
worse, if he is abusive toward you in any way, or if he is unwilling to make
any changes to improve your relationship, then perhaps he is not the right one
for you.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
Dear Aunt Dara,
I have been attending the same church for about five years. I am well fed spiritually and have gained relationships with some of the other members. About three years ago I began teaching our children every Sunday, but six months ago they began rotating teachers. They have so many people teaching now that I am lucky to teach once every three months. I had felt led to use my time and talent, and I am sure of God's calling on my purpose. It's great that so many people want to help out, but we do have two services, so why can't kids to be taught in the first service as well? I've made several good suggestions and attempts, but they all get pushed down. I have even talked to leaders in the church about these. I want to do a Christmas play for the church with the kids, but the Sunday school leader is going to do a Christmas program with the kids without involving me. I have been actively praying, trying to remain humble, faithful and continue to follow God's direction and persevere like the apostle Paul.
Another member and I watch the kids on Wednesday Bible group nights, and we wanted to get the kids some much-needed new toys with our own money. One thing we wanted to do was to repurpose a mid-sized entertainment center into a play kitchen. Our children's program leader said we cannot do that. She suggested getting a new plastic one.
I am very frustrated to the point of tears and am scared it's preventing me from getting everything I could be spiritually. I feel like I have an obligation to stay committed because this is where God has led me. Should I take a break from helping out in the children's program? It breaks my heart already when I come to church and am not helping with the kids. Should I take a break from my church? I have been persistently praying and I don't seem to be getting anywhere.
Frustrated Servant
Dear Frustrated Servant,
Indeed it can be very frustrating and discouraging to feel called to serve in a certain capacity and then not be able to fulfill what you believe to be your purpose. You do sound as if you are discouraged.
First of all, let me say that you are in good company. Many people have had to wait many years before they were able to see fulfillment of God’s plan for their lives and to be used by God. For example, Abraham waited 25 years for the birth of the son that God had promised him (Genesis 12:1-7, Genesis 21:1-5). Joseph had to wait more than 20 years before he was able to see the fulfillment of the prophesy God revealed to him in his dreams (Genesis 37:1-11, Genesis 41:46 through 42:1-6, and on through the rest of Genesis). Moses had to wait in the land of Midian for 40 years before God sent him back to Egypt to lead the Israelites out of bondage (Acts 7:17-34, Exodus 7:7). Although we are not told how old David was when Samuel anointed him to be king of Israel (1 Samuel 16:1-13), he would have been younger than 20. Estimates place his age at about 17 or younger, but he did not become king until he was 30 years old (2 Samuel 5:4). These are just a few examples, but even our Lord Jesus after He was baptized by John spent 40 days in prayer and fasting before He be began to preach (Matthew 3:16 through 4:17).
The Bible tells us in several places to wait on the Lord. Psalm 27:14 and Psalm 130:5 are just a couple of examples. We are promised that God makes all things beautiful in HIS time (Ecclesiastes 3:11). However, waiting on God’s timing is never easy and too many times we create problems for ourselves when we become impatient. I’m thinking that perhaps that may be what is happening in your case. Are you focusing on what you really want to do but currently can’t do and overlooking what you can do and currently are doing? For example, you no longer are teaching the children every Sunday because the teachers now rotate, but you also said that you still teach the children about once every three months. You said you don’t understand why the children can’t be taught during the first service (presumably so you could teach more often), but you also said that you are watching the children on Wednesday Bible group nights. You said that you were told that you could buy a new play kitchen instead of turning an entertainment center into one, but you also said that you and another member were willing to use your own money to buy new toys for the children.
I could be wrong, but I get the impression that you may be coming on too strong with your suggestions and perhaps you are having difficulty submitting to church leadership. The church leaders are the ones in charge of determining what happens during church services. Not you. The Sunday school leader was placed in charge of the Christmas program. Not you. The children’s program leader is the one in charge of children’s programs. Not you. If you are not content with using your talents where God currently has placed you, how do you expect God to give you more responsibility in the future? A large part of waiting on God’s timing is having the ability to set aside our own will, to submit to God’s will, and to submit to those who have authority. Should you take a break from your church or from helping out with the children’s programs? No. Let them know that you are willing to help with whatever they need, and leave it at that. Don’t be pushy. But also don’t be offended if you are not chosen to help or if your suggestions are rejected. Be faithful. Focus on developing your trust in the Lord, your love for your brothers and sisters in Christ, and your gratitude for where you are now in the Lord’s service. God will never give a person more who is not thankful for what he already has.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
Dear Aunt Dara,
I have been married to
my husband for 39 years. He is an only
child raised by his grandmother for many years. We have five children. He is 15 years older
than I am. I am so unhappy. I have put up with his selfishness for years. He really thinks he has no faults. We live together as roommates. We do not have sex anymore. Not many people know the problems we have. We look like a perfect couple. He had a stroke and heart attack 4 years ago
so I don't want to abandon him at a low point in his life. Does God want me to keep carrying this through
till death parts us? I feel like I've
lost myself. I tried talking to my
husband and he says he'll change, but he hurt me more so I don't use my voice
because I'm so tired of hurting. I've
lost faith in leaving it in God's hand because it gets worse each year.
Unhappy Wife
Dear Unhappy Wife,
I have been praying about your situation since I read your letter and I can tell that you are hurting very, very much and feel trapped and miserable in your marriage. Thirty-nine years is a long time to be married, and no doubt your husband is getting old and sick. Unfortunately, age and illness tends to bring out some of the worst in people, particularly when they feel that they have reached the end of their life and are realizing that their life has not been as they had hoped. Your husband probably feel this way. But you are young enough that you probably have more years to live a more fulfilling life. That being said, you ask what God wants for your marriage. The answer is in Mark 10:6-9 and 1 Corinthians 7:10-11. Jesus said that God is the one who joins a man and woman in marriage, and we are commanded to not separate what God has joined together. So yes, marriage is till death in God’s sight. As the old preacher that married my husband and myself many years ago said, “When you take your wedding vows, you are not making a vow to another person. You are making a vow to God, and it’s a very serious thing to break a vow that you made to God” (Deuteronomy 23:21-23, Ecclesiastes 5:4-5).
To help you to deal with the daily struggles of having an ill, aging husband who does not treat you well, it’s important that you take care of yourself and manage stress. Be sure to take care of your physical needs, emotional needs, and spiritual needs. Maintain adequate rest, exercise, and nutrition. Do something that you enjoy every day. Find someone to talk to and to socialize with. Pray! You can get through this because God will help you to cope. Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” That’s God’s promise to you!
God bless,
Aunt Dara
