All They Do is Argue

 Dear Aunt Dara,

I have been in a relationship with this guy for about three years now and it's not going very well. Yes, I know that feelings change as time goes on, and the way it feels when a relationship is just starting will eventually go away.  However, right now in our relationship we don't even talk to each other, and it seems as if every time we talk to each other we get into an argument.  It would be one thing if this had been going on for a few months, but this has been going on for over a year.  I am tired of it.  To make it even worse, I think I like someone else.  He goes to my church and I was told by friends that he likes me, too.  He is a great guy and has helped me out and looked out for me in so many ways I don't know how to thank him.  But I want to work my current relationship out if I can.  I just don't want to pick the wrong one or go out of the will of God for my life.  I prayed on it but I have yet to get an answer.  I will continue praying on it.  I would just like some advice to help me through this.

Totally Confused

 

Dear Totally Confused,

Thank you so much for writing to me and trusting me with your situation.  I can see that you are confused, and justly so.  It's understandable that you are tired of the arguing.  Some things to consider are:

1.     Are you arguing about the same things over and over, or are the arguments over different things each time?

2.     Do the arguments end with a resolution, or are you both still in disagreement when they end?

3.     Do the arguments involve anger, physical aggression, name calling, accusations, etc.?

4.     Is he also troubled by the arguments and ready to try to work things out to avoid them?

Arguing is not necessarily an unhealthy thing in a relationship, but constant arguing or arguing that leads to anger, hurt feelings, verbal or physical aggression, or not resolving the issues are red flags of an unhealthy relationship.  Unfortunately, I read nothing in your email that indicates that you currently have a healthy relationship with your boyfriend.  It may be time to have a heart to heart talk with your boyfriend to see if he is willing to work out your problems. 

As I said in my post on January 8, 2017, the scriptures do not teach that God chooses “the one” that we are to be with and we must find the “right one” that God has chosen for us.  God has given us free will to choose to marry whomever we wish (see Numbers 36:6 and 1 Corinthians 7:39), but He expects us to make the choice that will honor Him.  If being with your boyfriend makes you feel worse, if he is abusive toward you in any way, or if he is unwilling to make any changes to improve your relationship, then perhaps he is not the right one for you.

God bless,

Aunt Dara