Is there a Christian Duty to Provide Housing for Others?

Dear Aunt Dara,

When my husband and I married six years ago his cousin was living with him and paying nominal rent.  He was recently sober (from alcohol only—pot and pills didn’t count), and after we married he moved into a condo owned by my brother-in-law.  Long story short: His sobriety didn’t last and he ended up homeless. 

In the meantime my husband and I now have two kids under the age of 5 and we are planning on moving into a larger house.  His cousin has recently become sober again and claims not to be drinking, taking pills, or smoking pot.  My husband has asked that we move his cousin in with us “to give him a family life.”  I am vehemently opposed and actually told him as such about a year ago when he mentioned this then as well; at which point I got a 30 minute long Jesus lecture.  

My husband sets no boundaries with people who live with him (I saw this firsthand while we were dating) and I am afraid his cousin will start drinking again and my husband will not kick him out.  We desperately need marriage counseling, but I don’t know if it will help.  He is very stubborn, especially when he thinks what he is doing is right (even if it is being an enabler of a mooch, as he feels it is his Christian duty).  Please help!  I don’t want to live with his cousin.

Worried Wife 

Dear Worried Wife, 

Thank you for writing to me about this most difficult situation.  For a thing to be considered a “Christian duty,” there must be a scripture that instructs Christians to do it.  The Bible clearly says “if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8), but we need to look at the context of this verse—providing assistance to widows (1 Timothy 5:3-16).  Verse 4 says, “But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God.”  Verses 9-16 expand further by listing qualifications for a widow to be eligible for assistance from the church.  We know that a person’s spouse and underage children are included in the instruction to provide for one’s own and for those in his household.  We also know from verses 4 and 16 that parents and grandparents who have become unable to provide for themselves are also included.  However, what scripture instructs a Christian to provide support for an adult relative, regardless of how this person is related to you?  

Some people will argue that we are to provide unlimited help to anyone in need, citing Matthew 25:31-46.  However, nothing in this passage indicates or suggests that assistance rendered must be continuous, ongoing and unlimited.  Just as visiting the sick or imprisoned person is temporary and time-limited, so providing assistance to a needy person is a temporary situation.  Jesus did not say that we are to continue to feed, house, and clothe a needy person.  Even if this person is a relative, we are not to allow them to become dependent on us.  The Apostle Paul wrote in 2 Thessalonians 3:6-12 that a person should be self-supporting.  A person should not take advantage of others or become a burden to others (a mooch, as you put it).  He even said that it’s commanded that “if anyone will not work, neither shall he eat” (2 Thessalonians 3:10). 

Regarding your specific situation, bringing an adult cousin with a long-standing problem of substance abuse and addiction into your home would be unwise at best, and would most likely be a mistake that your husband will regret.  He may be your head (Ephesians 5:22-33), but that does not mean that your wishes should be disregarded.  When making a decision that affects the entire family, both husband and wife must be in agreement.  After all, it’s your home, too.  One spouse cannot bring in a third party to share a living arrangement without the full consent and approval of the other spouse.  To bring another resident into the home against the wishes of the other spouse will most likely destroy the marriage.  I’ve seen it happen, multiple times.  You also have to consider the affect this would have on your children, who are still quite young and impressionable.  At best, this man would be setting a bad example for your children.  It may also pose a risk for them, or for you.  Your husband must put you and the children first.  That is his Christian duty.  He has no moral obligation as a Christian to provide housing for an adult cousin.

For additional information, I recommend that you read my post “Must a Christian Help Everyone Who Asks for Assistance?” published on October 24, 2017 and my post “Drawing the Line Between Helping Others and Being Used” published on April 24, 2019.  Both of these posts deal with similar issues.  You may access them at https://askauntdara.blogspot.com/2017/10/must-christian-help-everyone-who-asks.html and https://askauntdara.blogspot.com/2019/04/drawing-line-between-helping-others-and.html.  This is a summation of the major points:

 

1.     The Bible instructs us to be temperate in all things (1 Corinthians 9:25, 1 Timothy 3:11), which means to show moderation, to have self-restraint, and to do things within a reasonable limit. 

2.     We need to do good works within a reasonable limit, and the Bible warns us that we will destroy ourselves if we do not (Ecclesiastes 7:15-16). 

3.     Christians are to follow Jesus’ example and do good to others (Acts 10:38, Galatians 6:10).

4.     Jesus set an example of taking frequent breaks from helping others so that He could meet His own needs (Luke 5:15-16).  He did not allow other people’s needs to cause Him to neglect His own needs.

5.     Jesus recognized when people were trying to take advantage of Him and did not give them what they wanted (John 6:22-27). 

6.     Jesus did not always respond to requests and He set conditions for the people He helped (Matthew 15:21-28). 

7.     God does not always give us what we ask for in prayer and sets conditions for His blessings (John 9:31, James 1:5-8, James 4:3, 2 Corinthians 12:7-9). 

8.     Therefore, if God can deny requests and set limits and conditions for what He does for people, then we can do the same.  You have the right to set appropriate limits and conditions with others, and you have the right to turn down requests. 

9.     Helping means that you render assistance, and inherent in this definition is the understanding that such aid is temporary until the person no longer needs assistance (2 Corinthians 8:11-14). 

10.  If the person is not moving toward gaining independence, you are not helping them, you are fostering dependency.  In other words, you are enabling them.  God expects people to provide for their own needs and not become dependent on others (2 Thessalonians 3:10, Ephesians 4:28).

 

God bless,

Aunt Dara

 

 

 

Should She Go Back to Her Ex-Husband?

 Dear Aunt Dara,

I was baptized as a teenager and attended church regularly for a time.  I became involved with an older crowd and stopped going to church, although I was still a believer.  At age 20 I married a man 10 years older than myself.  He’s an atheist.  I allowed him to use logic to convince me not to believe.  We were married for 31 years.  There were lots of problems in our marriage (he’s an alcoholic, we went bankrupt, he put his friends ahead of me, etc.), but he was always faithful to me.  I returned to church and he was supportive of it but would not attend with me.  Then a few years ago, only a few months after I had begun regular church attendance, an old flame from high school looked me up and contacted me.  He said he had loved me ever since high school.  He’s a Christian and even has a pastoral credential.  I began to believe that God had sent this man to rescue me from my unhappy marriage.  We had an affair.  I moved out and divorced my husband.

The relationship with the old flame was tumultuous, to say the least and I’ve finally ended it for good.  My ex-husband still wants me back.  I am committed to living as a Christian and doing God’s will.  I have prayed about this but I don’t have anyone I can talk to about it.  We have two grown children.  Our daughter does NOT want us to get back together.  Our son is indifferent.  How can I know God’s will?  What is the right thing to do?  Do I go back to my ex-husband even though he’s an atheist, or do I try to find a Christian man?  Please help!  Thank you.

Seeking God’s will 

Dear Seeking, 

First of all, I would like to commend you for ending the relationship with your old flame and for your desire to do what the Lord would have you to do.  You ask if you should go back to your ex-husband who is an atheist, who is an alcoholic, who drew you away from God previously, but yet he was your husband for 31 years, he is the father of your children, and he is willing to forgive you for your unfaithfulness and take you back.  I am sure that you would get all kinds of opinions about this, but ultimately it is your decision.  Nobody can tell you if you should go back to him or not, including me.  However, I can give you some scriptures that may help you to make a wise decision.  Please read the 7^th chapter of First Corinthians, and pay particular attention to verses 10 and 11.  Notice that the Lord gives you two choices in verse 11, but getting involved with another man is not one of them.  Also refer to Mark 10:2-12, 1 Peter 3:1-6, and 2 Corinthians 6:14-18.

Regardless of what you decide regarding reuniting with him, God wants you to be faithful to Him and He wants your husband to believe and have a saving faith in Him (Hebrews 11:6 and 2 Peter 3:9).  Therefore your primary goal should be to increase your own resolve to remain faithful to the Lord and focus on bringing your husband to believe in God.  Learning what the Bible says through hearing, reading and studying it, is the best way to increase one’s faith and promote belief in God (Romans 10:13-17), but since your husband will not attend church he may be unlikely to study the Bible with you or read it for himself.  Therefore, I consulted with a preacher friend of mine who recommended books written by an atheist who set out to disprove the existence of God but in the process he became a believer.  The books are The Case for a Creator: A Journalist Investigates Scientific Evidence That Points Toward God and The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel.  Mr. Strobel is a journalist for the Chicago Tribune, and he has written other books, among which are The Case for Faith, The Case for Christianity and The Case for Easter (about the resurrection).  I have not read any of these books, and I am usually very hesitant to recommend anything that I have not read personally, but I respect this preacher’s opinion.

Please keep in mind that becoming a Christian and sincerely following Christ is the best way to improve a marriage and to help a person to overcome problems, so things should start to get better if your husband becomes a believer.  I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.  Please let me know if this was helpful.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

All They Do is Argue

 Dear Aunt Dara,

I have been in a relationship with this guy for about three years now and it's not going very well. Yes, I know that feelings change as time goes on, and the way it feels when a relationship is just starting will eventually go away.  However, right now in our relationship we don't even talk to each other, and it seems as if every time we talk to each other we get into an argument.  It would be one thing if this had been going on for a few months, but this has been going on for over a year.  I am tired of it.  To make it even worse, I think I like someone else.  He goes to my church and I was told by friends that he likes me, too.  He is a great guy and has helped me out and looked out for me in so many ways I don't know how to thank him.  But I want to work my current relationship out if I can.  I just don't want to pick the wrong one or go out of the will of God for my life.  I prayed on it but I have yet to get an answer.  I will continue praying on it.  I would just like some advice to help me through this.

Totally Confused

 

Dear Totally Confused,

Thank you so much for writing to me and trusting me with your situation.  I can see that you are confused, and justly so.  It's understandable that you are tired of the arguing.  Some things to consider are:

1.     Are you arguing about the same things over and over, or are the arguments over different things each time?

2.     Do the arguments end with a resolution, or are you both still in disagreement when they end?

3.     Do the arguments involve anger, physical aggression, name calling, accusations, etc.?

4.     Is he also troubled by the arguments and ready to try to work things out to avoid them?

Arguing is not necessarily an unhealthy thing in a relationship, but constant arguing or arguing that leads to anger, hurt feelings, verbal or physical aggression, or not resolving the issues are red flags of an unhealthy relationship.  Unfortunately, I read nothing in your email that indicates that you currently have a healthy relationship with your boyfriend.  It may be time to have a heart to heart talk with your boyfriend to see if he is willing to work out your problems. 

As I said in my post on January 8, 2017, the scriptures do not teach that God chooses “the one” that we are to be with and we must find the “right one” that God has chosen for us.  God has given us free will to choose to marry whomever we wish (see Numbers 36:6 and 1 Corinthians 7:39), but He expects us to make the choice that will honor Him.  If being with your boyfriend makes you feel worse, if he is abusive toward you in any way, or if he is unwilling to make any changes to improve your relationship, then perhaps he is not the right one for you.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Her Church is Not Letting Her Use Her Talents and Time

Dear Aunt Dara,

I have been attending the same church for about five years.  I am well fed spiritually and have gained relationships with some of the other members.  About three years ago I began teaching our children every Sunday, but six months ago they began rotating teachers.  They have so many people teaching now that I am lucky to teach once every three months.  I had felt led to use my time and talent, and I am sure of God's calling on my purpose.  It's great that so many people want to help out, but we do have two services, so why can't kids to be taught in the first service as well?  I've made several good suggestions and attempts, but they all get pushed down.  I have even talked to leaders in the church about these.  I want to do a Christmas play for the church with the kids, but the Sunday school leader is going to do a Christmas program with the kids without involving me.  I have been actively praying, trying to remain humble, faithful and continue to follow God's direction and persevere like the apostle Paul. 

Another member and I watch the kids on Wednesday Bible group nights, and we wanted to get the kids some much-needed new toys with our own money.  One thing we wanted to do was to repurpose a mid-sized entertainment center into a play kitchen.  Our children's program leader said we cannot do that.  She suggested getting a new plastic one. 

I am very frustrated to the point of tears and am scared it's preventing me from getting everything I could be spiritually.  I feel like I have an obligation to stay committed because this is where God has led me.  Should I take a break from helping out in the children's program?  It breaks my heart already when I come to church and am not helping with the kids.  Should I take a break from my church?  I have been persistently praying and I don't seem to be getting anywhere. 

Frustrated Servant

Dear Frustrated Servant,

Indeed it can be very frustrating and discouraging to feel called to serve in a certain capacity and then not be able to fulfill what you believe to be your purpose.  You do sound as if you are discouraged. 

First of all, let me say that you are in good company.  Many people have had to wait many years before they were able to see fulfillment of God’s plan for their lives and to be used by God.  For example, Abraham waited 25 years for the birth of the son that God had promised him (Genesis 12:1-7, Genesis 21:1-5).  Joseph had to wait more than 20 years before he was able to see the fulfillment of the prophesy God revealed to him in his dreams (Genesis 37:1-11, Genesis 41:46 through 42:1-6, and on through the rest of Genesis).  Moses had to wait in the land of Midian for 40 years before God sent him back to Egypt to lead the Israelites out of bondage (Acts 7:17-34, Exodus 7:7).  Although we are not told how old David was when Samuel anointed him to be king of Israel (1 Samuel 16:1-13), he would have been younger than 20.  Estimates place his age at about 17 or younger, but he did not become king until he was 30 years old (2 Samuel 5:4).  These are just a few examples, but even our Lord Jesus after He was baptized by John spent 40 days in prayer and fasting before He be began to preach (Matthew 3:16 through 4:17). 

The Bible tells us in several places to wait on the Lord.  Psalm 27:14 and Psalm 130:5 are just a couple of examples.  We are promised that God makes all things beautiful in HIS time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).  However, waiting on God’s timing is never easy and too many times we create problems for ourselves when we become impatient.  I’m thinking that perhaps that may be what is happening in your case.  Are you focusing on what you really want to do but currently can’t do and overlooking what you can do and currently are doing?  For example, you no longer are teaching the children every Sunday because the teachers now rotate, but you also said that you still teach the children about once every three months.  You said you don’t understand why the children can’t be taught during the first service (presumably so you could teach more often), but you also said that you are watching the children on Wednesday Bible group nights.  You said that you were told that you could buy a new play kitchen instead of turning an entertainment center into one, but you also said that you and another member were willing to use your own money to buy new toys for the children.

I could be wrong, but I get the impression that you may be coming on too strong with your suggestions and perhaps you are having difficulty submitting to church leadership.  The church leaders are the ones in charge of determining what happens during church services.  Not you.  The Sunday school leader was placed in charge of the Christmas program.  Not you.  The children’s program leader is the one in charge of children’s programs.  Not you.  If you are not content with using your talents where God currently has placed you, how do you expect God to give you more responsibility in the future?  A large part of waiting on God’s timing is having the ability to set aside our own will, to submit to God’s will, and to submit to those who have authority.  Should you take a break from your church or from helping out with the children’s programs?  No.  Let them know that you are willing to help with whatever they need, and leave it at that.  Don’t be pushy.  But also don’t be offended if you are not chosen to help or if your suggestions are rejected.  Be faithful.  Focus on developing your trust in the Lord, your love for your brothers and sisters in Christ, and your gratitude for where you are now in the Lord’s service.  God will never give a person more who is not thankful for what he already has.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I have been married to my husband for 39 years.  He is an only child raised by his grandmother for many years.  We have five children. He is 15 years older than I am.  I am so unhappy.  I have put up with his selfishness for years.  He really thinks he has no faults.  We live together as roommates.  We do not have sex anymore.  Not many people know the problems we have.  We look like a perfect couple.  He had a stroke and heart attack 4 years ago so I don't want to abandon him at a low point in his life.  Does God want me to keep carrying this through till death parts us?  I feel like I've lost myself.  I tried talking to my husband and he says he'll change, but he hurt me more so I don't use my voice because I'm so tired of hurting.  I've lost faith in leaving it in God's hand because it gets worse each year.  

Unhappy Wife

Dear Unhappy Wife,

I have been praying about your situation since I read your letter and I can tell that you are hurting very, very much and feel trapped and miserable in your marriage.  Thirty-nine years is a long time to be married, and no doubt your husband is getting old and sick.  Unfortunately, age and illness tends to bring out some of the worst in people, particularly when they feel that they have reached the end of their life and are realizing that their life has not been as they had hoped.  Your husband probably feel this way.  But you are young enough that you probably have more years to live a more fulfilling life.  That being said, you ask what God wants for your marriage.  The answer is in Mark 10:6-9 and 1 Corinthians 7:10-11.  Jesus said that God is the one who joins a man and woman in marriage, and we are commanded to not separate what God has joined together.  So yes, marriage is till death in God’s sight.  As the old preacher that married my husband and myself many years ago said, “When you take your wedding vows, you are not making a vow to another person.  You are making a vow to God, and it’s a very serious thing to break a vow that you made to God” (Deuteronomy 23:21-23, Ecclesiastes 5:4-5).

To help you to deal with the daily struggles of having an ill, aging husband who does not treat you well, it’s important that you take care of yourself and manage stress.  Be sure to take care of your physical needs, emotional needs, and spiritual needs.  Maintain adequate rest, exercise, and nutrition.  Do something that you enjoy every day.  Find someone to talk to and to socialize with.  Pray!  You can get through this because God will help you to cope.  Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  That’s God’s promise to you!

God bless,

Aunt Dara

His Mother Refuses to acknowledge that Smoking led to His Dad’s Death

Dear Aunt Dara,

My dad died a few years ago from complications following surgery for lung cancer. He had been a heart patient for over 20 years with a history of a heart attack, bypass surgery, and congestive heart failure.  My parents would monitor my dad's medication and diet like a hawk.  However, they both smoked heavily.  I once told her she should let dad eat whatever he wants and make him quit smoking instead.  I raised you-know-what about smoking to no avail, and he got lung cancer.  My mother has always felt guilty about getting dad to have the surgery rather than just letting the cancer take its course.  My position has always been that if there was a chance, you take it.  I don't regret the operation.  She blames the hospital and the doctors for his death, and she brings it up whenever I visit.  I tell my mom that I wish she and dad had made a different decision about smoking.

My mom attaches some weird nobility to smoking.  She says she may smoke, but she's not a drunk or a "drug addict" that loses control.  She says she is not like a diabetic we knew who died from not staying on her diet.  She says she never killed anyone in her car from smoking.  It’s as if Big Tobacco should hire my mom to head their public relations.  Also, smoking has always been some kind of rebellion for her—against whom or what I don't know.  But she says "they" are not going to stop her from smoking.

Why does my mom get so angry when I go directly to the source of dad’s cancer and I don't question the surgery or blame the hospital?  She's the one who keeps bringing it up about the surgery.

Worried Son 

Dear Worried Son, 

Hopefully, I can shed some light on what may be motivating your mother’s reactions.  Deep down inside, she may know that you are right, but she will never admit it because that would mean that she would be partly to blame for your father’s illness and death.  She is dealing with a tremendous burden of unresolved grief, as evidenced by her continuing to talk about the surgery and blame the doctors and the hospital for his death.  In reality, the decision to proceed with the surgery was no doubt a joint decision that also involved your dad’s wishes.  Everyone involved made the best decision that they could with the information that they had at the time, hoping to extend your father’s life.  However, nobody could have predicted the future and there are risks involved in every surgery.  Blaming the doctors and the hospital will not help your mother to better manage her grief and will only keep her anger alive.  The best you can do when she mentions the surgery again is to simply say something like, “I miss him too, Mom,” and just leave it at that.  No need to discuss anything about who or what was to blame.  If she continues to talk about the surgery, just say, “We thought it would help,” and then change the subject by sharing some happy memories of your dad. 

I suspect that your mother gets angry when you bring up smoking because it appears that you are blaming your dad’s death on smoking, and you believe that part of the blame for that lies with her.  She perceives that as a personal attack.  The message is that she should have stopped him from smoking instead of contributing to it.  Unfortunately, nicotine is highly addictive and no amount of lecturing on the dangers of smoking will make a person stop smoking.  A smoker must be self-motivated to quit.  Lecturing also tends to backfire by causing the person to continue to smoke.  Most of us resent being told what to do, and so we do the opposite to prove that we have the freedom to do whatever we please.  Whether it’s smoking, drinking, unhealthy eating habits, or not wearing a seat belt, we don’t like being told what to do or what not to do.  This is especially true when a child tells the parent what they should do.  In a parent’s mind, the thoughts are, “I brought you into this world.  I raised you.  So, you don’t have the right to tell me how to live my life.”  The best you can do about your mother is to stop telling her that she should quit smoking and stop mentioning that your dad would probably still be alive today if he had quit smoking.  Just pray that she will develop the desire to quit smoking before it’s too late for her, too.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

She is Afraid She Won’t Go to Heaven Because of Her Sexual Sin

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I’m having a lot of anxiety lately thinking about death. I’m concerned I won’t make it into heaven because of a few things.

1. I had premarital sex when I was a high school student with the man who is now my husband.  I was 17 then.  I am now 26.
2. Our oldest child was born before we got married.  We had been living together, but hadn’t married yet.
3. I cheated on my husband before we were married.  He knows about it all now, and we got married after it happened. 

I have asked and asked for forgiveness of all my sins but I don’t know what else I need to do.  I want to make sure I am doing what I need to do.  I don’t have a church so I have no pastor to talk to about this.

Help please! 

Dear Help Please, 

I have been studying on how to answer you in such a way that will help to alleviate your anxiety and lead you to do whatever you need to do to find forgiveness.  I am going to give you a lot of scriptural references, and I pray that you read and study all of them with an open and receptive heart. 

First of all, let me say that God is very pleased with your tender heart and the regret that you feel for your sin (Psalm 51:17).  Your situation is a common one, and even Christians can succumb to the temptation to sin sexually.  A person who commits sexual sin is particularly prone to feelings of guilt and shame because they have sinned against their own body (1 Corinthians 6:18).  However, guilt and shame are magnified for the Christian who sins sexually.  A Christian tells himself, “I knew better, but I did it anyway.  I should have been stronger.”  Even worse, sometimes Christians think that God will not forgive them when they commit sexual sin because they knew it was wrong and therefore they sinned “willfully” (Hebrews 10:26-27).  However, sinning willfully does not mean committing sin out of weakness; it means committing sin out of rebellion.  It means turning your back on God and not caring whether something is wrong or not.  Sinning out of weakness is not the same as willful (rebellious) sin.  The Lord knows that the spirit is willing, but the flesh indeed is weak (Matthew 26:41).  However, that doesn’t excuse sin.  God recognizes that we will sin, and that’s why Jesus is our advocate (1 John 2:1-2).  When challenged to punish a woman who committed adultery, Jesus told her to go and sin no more (John 8:3-11).  That’s what repentance is—turning from sin.  

The blood of Jesus is the answer for any sin, including sexual sins (1 Corinthians 6:9-11), but how does one become washed, sanctified, and justified by His blood?  One must be in Christ in order for sins to be forgiven (Romans 8:1).  We are told in Galatians 3:27 that we are baptized into Christ.  Acts 2:38 tells us that we are to repent and be baptized for the remission of sins, and Acts 22:16 says, “And now why are you waiting? Arise and be baptized, and wash away your sins, calling on the name of the Lord.”  If you have never been baptized for the remission of sins, I urge you to find a gospel preacher who will baptize you.  (If you need help finding a preacher who will do this, please let me know.)  If a preacher or anyone else tells you that you do not need to be baptized for the remission of sins, that all you need to do is believe and accept Jesus into your heart as your Lord and Savior, RUN.  That is NOT what the Bible says.  Even Jesus said that one must be baptized (Mark 16:16), and the phase “accept Jesus into your heart” is not found anywhere in the Bible.  If you have already been baptized for the remission of sins, then you are already a Christian, and 1 John 1:7-9 says that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and if we walk in the light as He is in the light, the blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin.  As Christians, we can have full assurance that God forgives us completely and will not punish us for our sins.  Read Psalm 103:8-14.  “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit” (Romans 8:1).

God Bless,

Aunt Dara 

Note to my readers:  Before you comment that the Bible does not teach what I told this person, please put aside what you have been taught and study what the Bible says.