His Mother Refuses to acknowledge that Smoking led to His Dad’s Death

Dear Aunt Dara,

My dad died a few years ago from complications following surgery for lung cancer. He had been a heart patient for over 20 years with a history of a heart attack, bypass surgery, and congestive heart failure.  My parents would monitor my dad's medication and diet like a hawk.  However, they both smoked heavily.  I once told her she should let dad eat whatever he wants and make him quit smoking instead.  I raised you-know-what about smoking to no avail, and he got lung cancer.  My mother has always felt guilty about getting dad to have the surgery rather than just letting the cancer take its course.  My position has always been that if there was a chance, you take it.  I don't regret the operation.  She blames the hospital and the doctors for his death, and she brings it up whenever I visit.  I tell my mom that I wish she and dad had made a different decision about smoking.

My mom attaches some weird nobility to smoking.  She says she may smoke, but she's not a drunk or a "drug addict" that loses control.  She says she is not like a diabetic we knew who died from not staying on her diet.  She says she never killed anyone in her car from smoking.  It’s as if Big Tobacco should hire my mom to head their public relations.  Also, smoking has always been some kind of rebellion for her—against whom or what I don't know.  But she says "they" are not going to stop her from smoking.

Why does my mom get so angry when I go directly to the source of dad’s cancer and I don't question the surgery or blame the hospital?  She's the one who keeps bringing it up about the surgery.

Worried Son 

Dear Worried Son, 

Hopefully, I can shed some light on what may be motivating your mother’s reactions.  Deep down inside, she may know that you are right, but she will never admit it because that would mean that she would be partly to blame for your father’s illness and death.  She is dealing with a tremendous burden of unresolved grief, as evidenced by her continuing to talk about the surgery and blame the doctors and the hospital for his death.  In reality, the decision to proceed with the surgery was no doubt a joint decision that also involved your dad’s wishes.  Everyone involved made the best decision that they could with the information that they had at the time, hoping to extend your father’s life.  However, nobody could have predicted the future and there are risks involved in every surgery.  Blaming the doctors and the hospital will not help your mother to better manage her grief and will only keep her anger alive.  The best you can do when she mentions the surgery again is to simply say something like, “I miss him too, Mom,” and just leave it at that.  No need to discuss anything about who or what was to blame.  If she continues to talk about the surgery, just say, “We thought it would help,” and then change the subject by sharing some happy memories of your dad. 

I suspect that your mother gets angry when you bring up smoking because it appears that you are blaming your dad’s death on smoking, and you believe that part of the blame for that lies with her.  She perceives that as a personal attack.  The message is that she should have stopped him from smoking instead of contributing to it.  Unfortunately, nicotine is highly addictive and no amount of lecturing on the dangers of smoking will make a person stop smoking.  A smoker must be self-motivated to quit.  Lecturing also tends to backfire by causing the person to continue to smoke.  Most of us resent being told what to do, and so we do the opposite to prove that we have the freedom to do whatever we please.  Whether it’s smoking, drinking, unhealthy eating habits, or not wearing a seat belt, we don’t like being told what to do or what not to do.  This is especially true when a child tells the parent what they should do.  In a parent’s mind, the thoughts are, “I brought you into this world.  I raised you.  So, you don’t have the right to tell me how to live my life.”  The best you can do about your mother is to stop telling her that she should quit smoking and stop mentioning that your dad would probably still be alive today if he had quit smoking.  Just pray that she will develop the desire to quit smoking before it’s too late for her, too.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

She is Afraid She Won’t Go to Heaven Because of Her Sexual Sin

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I’m having a lot of anxiety lately thinking about death. I’m concerned I won’t make it into heaven because of a few things.

1. I had premarital sex when I was a high school student with the man who is now my husband.  I was 17 then.  I am now 26.
2. Our oldest child was born before we got married.  We had been living together, but hadn’t married yet.
3. I cheated on my husband before we were married.  He knows about it all now, and we got married after it happened. 

I have asked and asked for forgiveness of all my sins but I don’t know what else I need to do.  I want to make sure I am doing what I need to do.  I don’t have a church so I have no pastor to talk to about this.

Help please! 

Dear Help Please, 

I have been studying on how to answer you in such a way that will help to alleviate your anxiety and lead you to do whatever you need to do to find forgiveness.  I am going to give you a lot of scriptural references, and I pray that you read and study all of them with an open and receptive heart. 

First of all, let me say that God is very pleased with your tender heart and the regret that you feel for your sin (Psalm 51:17).  Your situation is a common one, and even Christians can succumb to the temptation to sin sexually.  A person who commits sexual sin is particularly prone to feelings of guilt and shame because they have sinned against their own body (1 Corinthians 6:18).  However, guilt and shame are magnified for the Christian who sins sexually.  A Christian tells himself, “I knew better, but I did it anyway.  I should have been stronger.”  Even worse, sometimes Christians think that God will not forgive them when they commit sexual sin because they knew it was wrong and therefore they sinned “willfully” (Hebrews 10:26-27).  However, sinning willfully does not mean committing sin out of weakness; it means committing sin out of rebellion.  It means turning your back on God and not caring whether something is wrong or not.  Sinning out of weakness is not the same as willful (rebellious) sin.  The Lord knows that the spirit is willing, but the flesh indeed is weak (Matthew 26:41).  However, that doesn’t excuse sin.  God recognizes that we will sin, and that’s why Jesus is our advocate (1 John 2:1-2).  When challenged to punish a woman who committed adultery, Jesus told her to go and sin no more (John 8:3-11).  That’s what repentance is—turning from sin.  

The blood of Jesus is the answer for any sin, including sexual sins (1 Corinthians 6:9-11), but how does one become washed, sanctified, and justified by His blood?  One must be in Christ in order for sins to be forgiven (Romans 8:1).  We are told in Galatians 3:27 that we are baptized into Christ.  Acts 2:38 tells us that we are to repent and be baptized for the remission of sins, and Acts 22:16 says, “And now why are you waiting? Arise and be baptized, and wash away your sins, calling on the name of the Lord.”  If you have never been baptized for the remission of sins, I urge you to find a gospel preacher who will baptize you.  (If you need help finding a preacher who will do this, please let me know.)  If a preacher or anyone else tells you that you do not need to be baptized for the remission of sins, that all you need to do is believe and accept Jesus into your heart as your Lord and Savior, RUN.  That is NOT what the Bible says.  Even Jesus said that one must be baptized (Mark 16:16), and the phase “accept Jesus into your heart” is not found anywhere in the Bible.  If you have already been baptized for the remission of sins, then you are already a Christian, and 1 John 1:7-9 says that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and if we walk in the light as He is in the light, the blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin.  As Christians, we can have full assurance that God forgives us completely and will not punish us for our sins.  Read Psalm 103:8-14.  “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit” (Romans 8:1).

God Bless,

Aunt Dara 

Note to my readers:  Before you comment that the Bible does not teach what I told this person, please put aside what you have been taught and study what the Bible says.

She Lost a Friend over Differing Opinions

Dear Aunt Dara,

I am confused about the behavior of one of my friends.  She teaches a ladies’ Bible class at a church where I was a member for almost a year.  She frequently describes herself as a devout Christian and a godly woman.  She says she has superior Bible knowledge, and the ladies in her class admire her and look up to her for advice and guidance on how to be a godly woman.  She and I had become good friends.  We both liked to cook and exchange recipes, and we went on shopping trips together.  I never hesitated to discuss my problems with her and I valued her input.  Then things changed about three months ago when she said during one of her classes that it is sinful for Christians to participate in politics in any way.  She said we are citizens of heaven and we must be separate from the world and not have anything to do with anything remotely patriotic or political.  She had some very harsh things to say about Christians who vote in elections.  (My grandfather was a state senator back in the 1960s and I was raised to believe that it is our Christian duty to elect representatives who respect Christian values and who will enact laws that honor God.)  Since open discussion is encouraged in her class, I spoke up and said that I disagree with her and I explained why.  She just turned her head away from me and continued to talk against Christians having any kind of political involvement.  A week later, I moved 90 miles away to begin a new job.  I tried to keep in contact with her through Facebook Messenger, but she never replied to any of my messages and she stopped liking and commenting on my Facebook posts. 

Two weeks ago, I went back to that church and attended her class.  She totally ignored me.  She never even looked in my direction.  I was so hurt that I just left without trying to talk to her.  When I got home, I messaged her and asked her why she has been ignoring me.  She replied that I was disrespectful to her when I disagreed with her on politics.  I responded back that I don’t recall saying anything that was disrespectful to her, and she replied, “That’s what they all say,” and then she blocked me.  She blocked me!  I don’t get it.  Is it disrespectful to express a different opinion or to disagree with a Bible teacher?  How can a mature, devout, godly Christian with superior Bible knowledge just cut off another Christian for seeing things differently?  And why did she just cut off communication with me instead of discussing it with me?   

Hurt and Confused 

Dear Hurt and Confused, 

I can see how you could be confused about her behavior and I understand how much the loss of a friendship is hurtful.  I can’t say for sure why she is treating you this way.  Human behavior is difficult to explain.  However, I do have some observations. 

You ask, “Is it disrespectful to express a different opinion or to disagree with a Bible teacher?”  The answer is no.  It is quite normal for Christians to have differing views because no two people think exactly alike.  In any disagreement, one must ask, “What does the Bible say about it?”  If the Bible does not say anything about a topic, then it falls into the category of opinion.  The Bible in Romans chapter 14 refers to these as “disputable matters” (NIV) or “doubtful things” (NKJV).  Does the Bible address a Christian’s involvement in politics and government?  No, not specifically, so both sides of the issue may have valid points.  The Bible does say that we are citizens of heaven (Philippians 3:20) and we are to be separate from the world (2 Corinthians 6:17), so the teacher is right about that.  However, that does not mean that Christians are to deny, ignore, or renounce their earthly citizenship and the rights and privileges that come with it.  After the apostle Paul became a Christian, he did not renounce his earthly citizenship and the rights afforded to him by that citizenship (Acts 22:22-29, Acts 25:1-12).  Christians during the First Century did not live in a democratic society that gave them a voice in their government, but if they had, Paul likely would have used his citizenship right and privilege to vote in elections.  However, that teacher does not see it that way, and the Bible doesn’t specifically address the issue.  If she believes that it is a sin for Christians to vote, for her it is a sin (Romans 14:23).   

You ask, “How can a mature, devout, godly Christian with superior Bible knowledge just cut off another Christian for seeing things differently?”  Having superior Bible knowledge is not an indication that a person is a mature, devout, godly Christian.  Spiritual maturity is evident in how a person behaves.  The spiritually mature Christian will demonstrate the qualities found in Galatians 5:22-23, Ephesians 4:25-32, 2 Peter 1:5-9, and many other scriptures.  When faced with a differing opinion during a Bible class, a mature Christian would say something like, “That’s an interesting point and we can talk about that some more after class.”  Unfortunately, public disagreements are one of the problems that can result with open discussion Bible classes.  Ideally, a Bible class teacher should stick to what the Bible actually does say without going beyond what is written. 

You ask, “Why did she just cut off communication with me instead of discussing it with me?”  Discussing it with you would have been the appropriate response for a spiritually mature Christian, but apparently she has not developed to that point yet.  Evidently, she is an insecure person who has an emotional need to be held in esteem and recognized as a “devout Christian” and a “godly woman” with “superior Bible knowledge.”  Consequently, she views any disagreement as a blow against the image that she tries so hard to maintain.  You are not the first person she has cut out of her life.  She has done this to multiple people as evidenced by her statement, “That’s what they all say.”  By blocking you, she made it clear that she will not accept any further communication from you, so the best thing to do at this point is to pray for her. 

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Longing to have Romance in Her Marriage Again

Dear Aunt Dara,

I recently celebrated my 25^th wedding anniversary.  I planned a weekend out of town.  My husband has never been much for romance and I'm an old romantic soul at heart.  He is a kind man, hardworking and honest.  He loves me and we both love the Lord.  For these past years I've tried to be the romantic one and hoped that would satisfy my need.  It did not.  I've talked with my husband about how I feel and the need I have to be pursued by him.  I don't think he thinks it's that big of a deal.  But to me, it is getting more and more painful.  I need assurance with affection and attention.  Without it and then ignoring what I've asked, it hurts.  And I'm not talking romance every day.  Just sharing life together and intentionally loving one another.  I've prayed to God to remove this need from me.  He has not.  My passion for people and for life is who I am.  As I suppress it, for so long now, I'm losing me.  I'm not truly happy.  I'm ignoring myself and it shows.  I hate what I see in the mirror.  I do not see good choices before me.  I know my hope is in the Lord and that His love never fails, and for that I have a peace and a joy. But my heart literally aches to not have my husband's love I so desire.  Thoughts for me?? 

Yearning for Romance

Dear Yearning,

Congratulations on your 25^th anniversary.  That's a long time to be married.  Your love for each other and for God are evidence that your husband and you have a solid base for your marriage.  However, I can sense the emotional pain that you must be feeling from the things that you expressed.  It appears that your husband does not share your deep need for romantic love.  He may not have been brought up by parents who were demonstrative in their affection and romance, and he may interpret love in ways that are more practical.

There are actually various ways that a person may demonstrate love.  A person may express love with words, either spoken or written, such as love letters, notes, poetry, love songs, or cards.  Love may be expressed by giving gifts, which may be any number of things small or large, or things that we tend to think of as more romantic, such as flowers, candy, jewelry, or a date night.  And of course love may be expressed by physical affection, such as hugging, kissing, holding hands.  Women thrive on these expressions of romantic love.  Men generally know this and are more likely to do these things before marriage.  After marriage, some men tend to think of these romantic expressions of love as non-essentials.  For them, courtship ends at the altar.  Why pursue what they already have?

Love can also be expressed in more practical ways.  Men tend to give more practical gifts that serve a purpose.  These could be small things that are needed for the household.  Even providing a home and transportation for the family are expressions of his love for his family.  Men also tend to express love though acts of service.  Some examples of acts of service include working to earn money to provide for their family (this is a big one for men), maintaining vehicles, making household repairs, doing yard work or assisting with housework, laundry or cooking.  A man may also express love by spending time with you and doing things with you.  If a man spends his time building something for you that he knows you will like and use, he has demonstrated his love for you because he thought enough about you to invest his time and work.

Although most men prefer to express love in more practical ways, that doesn't mean that they love us any less than we love them.  In fact, studies have shown that men tend to be more attached to the women they love than women are to the men they love.  Men tend feel more emotional pain than do women whenever a couple separates or divorces.  No doubt your husband loves you because you said that he is a kind man who is hardworking, honest, and he loves you and loves the Lord.  So look for his expressions of love each day and appreciate the ways that he demonstrates his love.  Respect him and be sure to tell him that you appreciate him, you are proud of him, and you are thankful that you married him.  Men love that.  Who knows?  He may take you out for a romantic date night.

Finally, here are a couple of suggestions that should make a difference in your outlook if you follow them:

1.     Instead of thinking about what he isn’t doing to make you feel loved, think about what you can do to make him feel loved, and then do it.

2.     I also noticed that you said that you celebrated your 25^th anniversary and you planned a weekend out of town.  A married couple is no longer two separate people living together.  They are united as one.  Make plans together.  Focus your thoughts on “we, us, and our” and incorporate those terms into your communication.  (We celebrated our anniversary.  We planned.)

God bless,
Aunt Dara

Forgiveness and Trust Issues Following Marital Unfaithfulness

Dear Aunt Dara,

My husband and I separated for a few months earlier this year.  During this time we both had sexual relations with other people.  We reconciled and moved back in with each other.  Recently, he told me that one of the women he had been involved with was pregnant with his child.  I want to stay with him because we forgave each other for the things that occurred during that time.  However, I am not sure if the child was conceived during the time that we were separated or after he had moved back in and we were supposed to be working on things.  I already had a hard time trusting him, but now I'm finding it’s even harder to trust him and I don't know why.  I love my husband and I do not want to leave, but I'm scared and confused.  Is there any advice you can give me on trying to forgive him for what has happened?

Thank you,
Deeply Confused

Dear Deeply Confused,

I have read your letter several times and pondered how to respond in a positive, helpful way.  I don't want to say anything to make a bad situation worse.  Unfortunately, you are dealing with the consequences of sin that cannot be erased or corrected.  It's going to be very difficult for you to trust your husband again.  Unfortunately, though you are attempting to salvage your marriage, he has just as much reason to distrust you as you have to distrust him.  Both of you broke your wedding vows.  Forgivable—yes.  Easy to forgive—no.  Forgiveness is not something that just happens in a moment and things magically return to how they were before.  In your case, things will never be the same as they were before.  Forgiveness is a process.  It is a decision that you make every day to let go of hurt and resentment for that day.  Eventually, the pain will subside, but in your case there will always be reminders due to the other woman and the child she has conceived.  Both you and your husband have a lot of problems to work through, and it's not going to be simple.  However, both of you need to seek God's forgiveness for your sins and then seek His assistance to repair the damage to your marriage.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

Study Group has been Causing Spiritual Problems

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I sometimes attend a small study group led by a woman I considered incredibly devout and spiritual.  She organizes the groups about once a year.  They meet regularly for a few months and then have a break until the next year.  Though I care about this woman, I'm having some trouble with her methods of ministry.  It seems as if she wants me to fall into some sort of sin so that she can save me through her spiritual counseling.  She will turn whatever I say into a way of making me seem unholy and lacking.  If I say, "I was worried about my dishwasher smoking yesterday," it becomes a lecture on how it's sinful to worry.  It is difficult to even make small talk with her without her turning it into some way I'm failing.  After I spend time with her, I feel awful, hopeless, and condemned.  I feel overwhelmed and overburdened, as if I can never live up to the legalistic standards required of me, so I stop reading the Bible and my prayer life suffers.  I just shut God out. I realized in the middle of a group session that I have been associating this woman's legalism with God's character.  It’s like my eyes have been opened.  This kind of hopeless condemnation is not from God.  I am really doing the absolute best I can to live a life without sin.  I put God first.  I'm totally open to a loving correction if someone sees actual sin in my life, but I don't feel that's her goal.  I have searched myself and I don't believe I have unresolved sin in my life at this moment.  Of course, I fail at times with my attitude or with grumbling, but according to the scriptures, His mercies are new every morning!  

I have decided that I will not sign up for the next round of this group, but I can't decide if I should quit this round.  Spending time with her has created a huge barrier in my heart and mind towards God in the past, so I would prefer to stop attending now.  I don't think she would be at all receptive to me speaking with her about it, and I don't even know how to explain what she does.  It's all so subtle.  I am not eloquent in speaking and I get easily flustered.  On the other hand, it's possible that I won't get so worked up about it now that I've realized that this heavy burden isn't from God, but a sad tool of the enemy which she's unconsciously wielding.  Do you have any wise counsel for me about how to tackle this entire thing?  Thanks!

Garden Momma 

Dear Garden Momma, 

I am glad that you have decided to not join the next set of group sessions because this does not sound like a spiritually healthy environment.  In the meantime, what obligation do you have to continue to attend something that is so harmful to you spiritually and puts your spiritual health in jeopardy?  None that I can see.  You are free to stop attending these group sessions immediately.  You do not have to speak to her about it, nor do you have to offer any excuses or reasons for not continuing.  Just stop attending.  If anyone asks you about it, just say, “It’s not working out for me to attend the group at this time.”  That is 100% the truth, and no explanation as for why it’s not working out is required.  If anyone asks you why it’s not working out, just say that your reasons are personal.  Ignore any attempts to get you to disclose your personal reasons.  Just keep repeating that the reasons are personal.  

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Drawing the Line between Helping Others and Being Used?

Dear Aunt Dara,

I’m currently going through a lot.  I’m a Christian girl and I’m trying to be a good Samaritan and offer help where needed as well as be patient and slow to anger like Jesus, but my patience is running thin.  I live alone, in a nice but small 2-bedroom apartment downtown.  When a Christian girl from church really needed a place to stay about 6 months ago, someone asked if I could host her and I agreed to do it.  I’ve had a lot of issues since.  She stopped paying me rent 3 months ago.  She uses all my stuff and lies to people by telling them that it’s hers.  She has started a business in my house which involves clients, and so I can’t be around when she’s working.  I’m a student and I have been inconvenienced when I need to study countless times.  Now she has allowed her friend to move into my apartment because she says her friend’s lease is done and she needs a place to stay.  Her friend isn’t paying me rent either.  Also, her sister and brother have been sleeping over.  I’ve had to sleep at a friend’s house because of the inconvenience only to come home and see someone slept in my bed and left makeup all over my pillow.  There’s many more things, but this is a summary.  She is not on the lease, she hasn’t paid me rent for 3 months, and she still feels entitled.  

I really want to talk to her, but I also don’t want her to think I’m a terrible person and I’m kicking her out, meaning she and her friend will be homeless.  Also if I kick her out her business would have to stop since it’s based in my house.  I don’t know what to do.  I get irritated frequently and I still haven’t said a word to her.  I just pray.  I make slight comments like, “Why is there makeup on my pillow?” Please help me.  Where do Christians draw the line between helping people and being taken advantage of?

Sincerely,
Free Bed and Breakfast

Dear Free Bed and Breakfast,

First of all, I would highly recommend that you read my post “Must a Christian Help Everyone Who Asks for Assistance?” published on October 24, 2017 that deals with a very similar issue.  You may access it at https://askauntdara.blogspot.com/2017/10/.  This is a summation of the major points in that post:

1.     The Bible instructs us to be temperate in all things (1 Corinthians 9:25, 1 Timothy 3:11), which means to show moderation, to have self-restraint, and to do things within a reasonable limit. 

2.     We need to do good works within a reasonable limit, and the Bible warns us that we will destroy ourselves if we do not (Ecclesiastes 7:15-16). 

3.     Christians are to follow Jesus’ example and do good to others (Acts 10:38, Galatians 6:10).

4.     Jesus set an example of taking frequent breaks from helping others so that He could meet His own needs (Luke 5:15-16).  He did not allow other people’s needs to cause Him to neglect His own needs.

5.     Jesus recognized when people were trying to take advantage of Him and did not give them what they wanted (John 6:22-27). 

6.     Jesus did not always respond to requests and He set conditions for the people He helped (Matthew 15:21-28). 

7.     God does not always give us what we ask for in prayer and sets conditions for His blessings (John 9:31, James 1:5-8, James 4:3, 2 Corinthians 12:7-9). 

8.     Therefore, if God can deny requests and set limits and conditions for what He does for people, then we can do the same.  You have the right to set appropriate limits and conditions with others, and you have the right to turn down requests. 

9.     Helping means that you render assistance, and inherent in this definition is the understanding that such aid is temporary until the person no longer needs assistance (2 Corinthians 8:11-14). 

10.  If the person is not moving toward gaining independence, you are not helping them, you are fostering dependency.  In other words, you are enabling them.  God expects people to provide for their own needs and not become dependent on others (2 Thessalonians 3:10, Ephesians 4:28).

Now, to address your specific situation.  As I read what you’ve written, my major concern is what possible negative consequences that this situation may have on you.  You said that this person is not on the lease.  You said that she has started a business in your apartment which involves having clients in the apartment.  She has allowed another person to move into the apartment, and she has two other regular overnight guests.  Here’s my concern:  Most leases spell out specifically the terms and conditions of your rental.  Most leases forbid subletting to another resident.  (Subletting means that you rent out part of the apartment to someone else.)  Most leases forbid having additional persons living there who are not named on the lease.  Most leases also forbid operating a business from the premises.  What does your lease say?  Does your landlord know what is happening in this apartment?  I do not know the housing laws where you live.  Furthermore, I am not an attorney and I cannot give legal advice, but my major concern is that you have placed yourself in jeopardy of eviction.  Therefore, my best advice to you is to read your lease carefully and consult an attorney for what actions you can legally take to evict these people who have taken up residence in your apartment.  Most attorneys do not charge anything for an initial consultation.  Ideally, this situation should have been prevented in the beginning by not allowing this person to move in.  The one who asked you to allow this person to move in with you overstepped a boundary.  You were not under any Christian obligation to provide housing for this person, and you had a right to say no.  Furthermore, you are not a “terrible person” for kicking these people out.  You are not running a free bed and breakfast.

God bless,

Aunt Dara