Drawing the Line between Helping Others and Being Used?

Dear Aunt Dara,

I’m currently going through a lot.  I’m a Christian girl and I’m trying to be a good Samaritan and offer help where needed as well as be patient and slow to anger like Jesus, but my patience is running thin.  I live alone, in a nice but small 2-bedroom apartment downtown.  When a Christian girl from church really needed a place to stay about 6 months ago, someone asked if I could host her and I agreed to do it.  I’ve had a lot of issues since.  She stopped paying me rent 3 months ago.  She uses all my stuff and lies to people by telling them that it’s hers.  She has started a business in my house which involves clients, and so I can’t be around when she’s working.  I’m a student and I have been inconvenienced when I need to study countless times.  Now she has allowed her friend to move into my apartment because she says her friend’s lease is done and she needs a place to stay.  Her friend isn’t paying me rent either.  Also, her sister and brother have been sleeping over.  I’ve had to sleep at a friend’s house because of the inconvenience only to come home and see someone slept in my bed and left makeup all over my pillow.  There’s many more things, but this is a summary.  She is not on the lease, she hasn’t paid me rent for 3 months, and she still feels entitled.  

I really want to talk to her, but I also don’t want her to think I’m a terrible person and I’m kicking her out, meaning she and her friend will be homeless.  Also if I kick her out her business would have to stop since it’s based in my house.  I don’t know what to do.  I get irritated frequently and I still haven’t said a word to her.  I just pray.  I make slight comments like, “Why is there makeup on my pillow?” Please help me.  Where do Christians draw the line between helping people and being taken advantage of?

Sincerely,
Free Bed and Breakfast

Dear Free Bed and Breakfast,

First of all, I would highly recommend that you read my post “Must a Christian Help Everyone Who Asks for Assistance?” published on October 24, 2017 that deals with a very similar issue.  You may access it at https://askauntdara.blogspot.com/2017/10/.  This is a summation of the major points in that post:

1.     The Bible instructs us to be temperate in all things (1 Corinthians 9:25, 1 Timothy 3:11), which means to show moderation, to have self-restraint, and to do things within a reasonable limit. 

2.     We need to do good works within a reasonable limit, and the Bible warns us that we will destroy ourselves if we do not (Ecclesiastes 7:15-16). 

3.     Christians are to follow Jesus’ example and do good to others (Acts 10:38, Galatians 6:10).

4.     Jesus set an example of taking frequent breaks from helping others so that He could meet His own needs (Luke 5:15-16).  He did not allow other people’s needs to cause Him to neglect His own needs.

5.     Jesus recognized when people were trying to take advantage of Him and did not give them what they wanted (John 6:22-27). 

6.     Jesus did not always respond to requests and He set conditions for the people He helped (Matthew 15:21-28). 

7.     God does not always give us what we ask for in prayer and sets conditions for His blessings (John 9:31, James 1:5-8, James 4:3, 2 Corinthians 12:7-9). 

8.     Therefore, if God can deny requests and set limits and conditions for what He does for people, then we can do the same.  You have the right to set appropriate limits and conditions with others, and you have the right to turn down requests. 

9.     Helping means that you render assistance, and inherent in this definition is the understanding that such aid is temporary until the person no longer needs assistance (2 Corinthians 8:11-14). 

10.  If the person is not moving toward gaining independence, you are not helping them, you are fostering dependency.  In other words, you are enabling them.  God expects people to provide for their own needs and not become dependent on others (2 Thessalonians 3:10, Ephesians 4:28).

Now, to address your specific situation.  As I read what you’ve written, my major concern is what possible negative consequences that this situation may have on you.  You said that this person is not on the lease.  You said that she has started a business in your apartment which involves having clients in the apartment.  She has allowed another person to move into the apartment, and she has two other regular overnight guests.  Here’s my concern:  Most leases spell out specifically the terms and conditions of your rental.  Most leases forbid subletting to another resident.  (Subletting means that you rent out part of the apartment to someone else.)  Most leases forbid having additional persons living there who are not named on the lease.  Most leases also forbid operating a business from the premises.  What does your lease say?  Does your landlord know what is happening in this apartment?  I do not know the housing laws where you live.  Furthermore, I am not an attorney and I cannot give legal advice, but my major concern is that you have placed yourself in jeopardy of eviction.  Therefore, my best advice to you is to read your lease carefully and consult an attorney for what actions you can legally take to evict these people who have taken up residence in your apartment.  Most attorneys do not charge anything for an initial consultation.  Ideally, this situation should have been prevented in the beginning by not allowing this person to move in.  The one who asked you to allow this person to move in with you overstepped a boundary.  You were not under any Christian obligation to provide housing for this person, and you had a right to say no.  Furthermore, you are not a “terrible person” for kicking these people out.  You are not running a free bed and breakfast.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Can Their Relationship Last After They Stop Having Sex?

Dear Aunt Dara, 

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost nine months, and I really hope he's the one I marry.  I love him so much.  A few months ago, we lost our virginities to each other, even though deep down I knew that's not what God wanted.  A few days ago, we both agreed that we should stop and wait until marriage before we do anymore.  We both felt guilty about it, and we want to do it the way God designed it.  The only thing is, we're afraid it's going to get boring or we're going to fizzle out because we don't have that very intimate thing anymore since we already over stepped that boundary.  My question is, should I be worried that things might fizzle because we don't have that anymore?  We both love each other a lot, and have talked about getting married, but that won't be for five or six years due to school.  We've both been praying about it individually and together.  What do you think we should do?  Thank you so much replying! 

Sincerely,

Anxious College Student 

Dear Anxious College Student, 

You ask if you should be worried if things might fizzle because you do not have that intimacy anymore.  Perhaps you are asking the wrong question.  Please allow me to explain.  You and your boyfriend have already begun having sexual relations with each other, and have continued to do so for a few months despite knowing that it is wrong and having feelings of guilt.  An agreement between the two of you to stop is not likely to be successful.  Why?  Once a couple begins having sex, it’s nearly impossible to stop because sexual temptation is extremely strong and Satan is just going to increase temptation when he sees you are trying to do the right thing.  He will even try to trick you into believing that it is okay and you may start looking for excuses to justify it.  My prediction is that you and your boyfriend will not be able to deny your sexual urges for five or six years until you marry.  You will either give in to temptation and continue to sin, or the two of you will find yourselves so sexually frustrated that it will eventually destroy your relationship.  So, the question to ask is, “How can we handle this temptation?” 

The apostle Paul addressed this very situation in 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 where he wrote, “But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry.  For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”  In other words, God’s answer for handling this type of situation is marriage.  When you are married you may freely experience sex as God intended without sin and without guilt.  You are not the first person to write to me in this same situation saying that you cannot marry at this time for one reason or another (financial reasons, housing reasons, educational reasons).  I realize that marriage would be a challenge for a couple who is still in school, but those challenges will be manageable with the Lord’s help.  If you are determined that marriage is not possible for you at this time, then how can you and your boyfriend manage intense sexual temptation for another five to six years?  This is a serious matter because the Bible makes it clear that continuing to practice sin places your eternal destiny in jeopardy (Hebrews 13:4, Galatians 5:19-21, Revelation 21:8).  So, what can you do to not continue in your sin and hold off on having more sex until after you are married?  I offer the following suggestions: 

1.     Pray that God will help you bear temptation.  (1 Corinthians 10:13, Hebrews 4:14-16)

2.     Avoid physical contact.  (1 Corinthians 7:1)

3.     If you find it difficult to avoid physical contact, then physically separate yourselves for a time.  (1 Corinthians 6:18)

4.     If that is still unsuccessful, then avoid being alone together.

However, I believe that it is better to follow Paul’s instruction and get married now than to continue to be tempted and risk losing your soul due to weakness of the flesh.  Please let me know if this was helpful and I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Is Infrequent Communication a Sign that He isn’t Interested in Her?

Dear Aunt Dara,

First of all, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the advice you gave me earlier to free myself from my previous relationship.  To God be the glory, I have been free from him for months now.  I have been focusing on my studies in college and my pastors have promoted me over our worship team so I have been occupied.  I am interested in this guy that I have ministered with years ago.  We have known of each other but we have never really taken the time to get to know one another as individuals.  He goes to a college about two hours away from mine and he came down for the holidays.  We began texting at first and we hung out once a little while he was in the area.  I am interested in him because we have so much in common.  He plays the piano and I sing, so we help each other where both of us lack.  He is very calm, he has the same ambitious goals as I do, and most importantly, he loves God so much and I see that.  I don't have to wonder about where his relationship is with God.  I guess my problem is that we don't speak every day, sometimes it might be two weeks before we speak to one another, and I might have to text him.  Basically, he is not as eager to text or hang out with me like all the other guys who I have been interested in before.  Even though I am strictly seeking a stronger friendship with him, I do like him and would love to have a courting relationship in the future.  I recently read a book called, "I kissed Dating Goodbye" which is a book that guides singles before marriage.  This is the first time that I am trying to put God first in all of my potential relationships; friendships and all.  I really don't know if he likes me or not.  I don't want to be impatient.  I want to do the right thing this time.

Trying to be Patient

Dear Trying to be Patient,

Thank you for the feedback.  I am glad that what I said to you before was helpful and that you now are doing so well.  Regarding this new person taking so long to respond to you rather than communicating every day--I don't see too much of a problem with that.  As you mentioned, he is in college and he is undoubtedly occupied with his classes and assignments.  That doesn't mean that he isn't interested in you.  It just means that at this time in his life, you aren't his first concern.  And that is appropriate, since this is just the beginning of your relationship together.  If he didn't like you, he wouldn't be communicating with you at all and wouldn't have spent the holidays with you.  He is taking it slowly and getting to know you as a person, and that is a very good sign.  Keep praying for your relationship to deepen and then wait for God's timing.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

Christmas Gift Lists and Gift Receiving Etiquette

Dear Aunt Dara,

I'm very obsessed with nerd culture.  I enjoy science fiction movies and books, video games, and Japanese cartoons, and I enjoy collecting merchandise from series I enjoy.  I research everything on Christian review websites before I buy, watch, play or read them.  I also enjoy creating artwork of my favorite characters.  Last year for Christmas at my uncle's house, I put mostly fan merchandise on my Christmas list, such as t-shirts or figurines featuring my favorite characters.  My uncle ordered all the presents from Amazon, but I ended up with a bunch of items from series I don't watch (including one that was very immoral) and that I can't use.  It was a huge embarrassment for everyone.  Anyway, Christmas is fast approaching, and I don't want a repeat of what happened last year.  My mom suspects that my uncle ordered things from the "recommended" section next to my Amazon list.  One thought I had for this year was to list two or three franchises I like and several types of items I collect, but then I realized he could run into the same problem as with the Amazon wish list.  Then I thought about asking for gift cards, but I have such a hard time deciding what to get with them, and my uncle really doesn't like going to the mall, which is where most of the stores I shop from are located.  One person suggested that I put in the product numbers for what I want, but that seems a little rude (also, she's older and I don't think she understands Amazon very well).  I thought about asking for art supplies, but I have very specific things I need for my artwork, which could be a problem.  I thought about asking for devotionals, but I have several different theological beliefs than they do.  Do you have any advice about what I should do, or should I just be grateful with whatever I get, even if I can't use it or it's not from a show I watch?  What's the best socially acceptable thing to do?  Thanks!

Much ado about Christmas

Dear Much ado about Christmas, 

Thank you so much for asking me about this!  This is an excellent question and a very timely one.  I am sorry that things did not work out well for you last Christmas and that your gifts from your uncle were inappropriate and embarrassing.  He probably had no clue that his gifts weren't appropriate, and he probably would have been very sorry had he known that you were embarrassed.

Gift buying can be very stressful for many people.  Some people appreciate having a wish list or a gift registry because it relieves some of the stress about what to get.  Other people may be put off by gift registries or wish lists because they would rather give a gift that they chose rather than what the recipient chose.  (It makes the gift seem more personal if they choose it themselves).   Many people realize that their tastes differ from that of the recipient, and therefore they will include a gift receipt so that the recipient can easily exchange the gift.  Other people would be offended if the recipient exchanged their gift.  So you see, there are many different views about what is appropriate regarding gift giving and receiving.  Regardless of the different views about gifts, they all have these things in common:

1.  The giver is under no obligation to give any gift at all, so when he or she gives something, they are expressing that they thought of the recipient and they wanted to express their thoughts of them in a tangible way.
2.  Because gifts are not compulsory and they symbolize that the giver is thinking of the recipient, the recipient should always respond with gratitude.  So, regardless of whether or not the recipient likes the gift, the recipient should always respond with, "Thank you so much" or "Thank you for thinking of me."

The Amazon wish list is very convenient and straightforward, so I really don't know what happened with your uncle last year that he ordered from Amazon but not what you had on your wish list.  I can understand your frustration and your desire to not repeat what happened last year.  Your uncle could give you an Amazon gift card, and that way you can buy things on your wish list yourself.  Amazon also sells gift cards for several other merchants, so your uncle might
be able to place an Amazon order for a gift card for one of the stores that you like.  If your uncle doesn't like the idea of giving a gift card (and many people don't) and would rather give you something that he picks out, go ahead and put devotionals on your list.  I realize that your theological beliefs do not align with those of your family, but Christian devotional books do not teach sectarian doctrines.  Devotional books focus on God's love, mercy, grace, goodness, and other such themes that are common to all Christians.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

Should She Give Him a Second Chance? Part Two.

Hello Aunt Dara,

 

I know I’m writing you again, but I feel as if I might be letting go of someone who could be my future husband.  A few weeks ago I told you about a guy I was talking with for 6 months and then he disappeared into thin air for about a month.  He had been contacting me ever since with apologies and telling me that he wants a second chance.  I have prayed about him and this situation, but I have not heard an answer from God about it.  A part of me wants to have nothing to do with him, but the other side is telling me that maybe he truly is sincere and really wants to make a long lasting relationship.  As I also told you before, I am talking to another guy who is away at school.  We talk but it’s not very frequent and it’s sometimes short.  It is very difficult to gauge his feelings for me because he lives far away and he is in medical school so he is always busy.  A part of my heart says give him his space and let him study, and when he come back we will get to know each other better.  But the other side is saying he probably has lost interest in me and is probably talking to other women and by the time he comes back I’m afraid he won’t even try to go on a date.  He has taken the initiative to ask me how I am doing and sends me pictures via text from time to time.  Also, he asked me I plan to do about my schooling situation.  But I’m afraid because I don’t know how long that will last.  The funny thing is, I while ago I had a dream about him studying at school, but I have yet to have a dream or even hear an answer from God about the first guy.  (God speaks to me a lot through my dreams).  You see this is the reason I say I’m stuck in the middle.  Maybe it’s my insecurities that are causing me to feel this way.  What is the best way to approach this situation?  Also, you told me that the way the first guy was acting I should run from him.  Do you still think I should? I am having serious doubts. 

Sincerely,

Confused and Still Single 

Dear Confused and Still Single, 

There are two ways to approach relationships--romantic and pragmatic.  The romantic approach focuses on an idealized view of reality and is more concerned with feelings.  How does this person make me feel?  Does he make me happy?  The pragmatic approach deals with things more realistically based on practical considerations.  It focuses on behavior rather than feelings, and therefore is more logical and down-to-earth.  As I read your communications to me, I am wondering if you are so focused on what you hope a man will become and what you hope will happen with him in the future that you are ignoring what he has demonstrated that he is.  In other words, you are taking the romantic approach.  The problem with that approach is that it is feelings-based, and feelings change with time and circumstances.

When evaluating relationships, it's best to take a more pragmatic approach and focus on behavioral evidence.  Why?  Because men know how to play women.  They know what to say to charm women, and if a man wants you, he will tell you what you want to hear.  The man of your dreams will promise you the moon, but a down-to-earth man will fulfill your dreams.  So, look at the evidence (Matthew 7:15-20).  The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so how has each man treated you in the past?  (Do not listen to his promises that he will change.  That's one of the lines from his female play book.)  Does his behavior demonstrate stability and Christian maturity? (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Galatians 5:22, Ephesians 5:9, James 3:17, and 2 Peter 1:5-7).  And do not listen to your insecurities.  Focus on the objective evidence?  What evidence do you have that the man in medical school has another woman?  What is the evidence that the things you suspect are true?

You have no doubt heard, "Follow your heart," but the Bible says that the heart is deceptive (Jeremiah 17:9).  Unfortunately, dreams most often reflect what is in our heart, and therefore are not a guide to God's will.  God gave us an intellect with which to reason and He gave us the Bible to guide us.  So, my advice to you is to listen to God in His word (the Bible), and follow you head, not your heart.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

 

Dear Aunt Dara, 

 

Thank you.  You are right.  The other guy in school has said that he wants to take me on a romantic date when he comes back from school and wants to try to make it work.  So I just need to ask God to give me some patience and I need to give him some space.  I feel maybe this is a good opportunity to work on myself as well until December comes around because I really like him.  You never know with these guys nowadays, and maybe a long distance relationship is what I need to stay focused.

 

Confused and Still Single 

 

Dear Confused and Still Single, 

 

You're welcome, and I think you are making a wise decision. 

 

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Should She Give Him a Second Chance?

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I am having some mixed feelings and I need to straighten up a lot of things in my life, including my relationship status.  I have been talking to a young man for 6 months while I was away at school.  He seemed to be greatly interested in me and things were going in the right direction.  I truly felt as if I found the one for me until last month when I came home from school.  I was so excited to get to see him and finally go on some dates with him, but he was always busy with work.  He works evening shifts.  It became really frustrating because he would agree to meet me but never follow through.  Then I stopped hearing from him and didn’t hear from him for weeks.  It wasn’t until last week he texted without saying he was sorry or giving any explanation that he wanted to see me.  He still keeps texting me and he told me to give him a second chance and that he was getting his life together in order to be with me without any problems.  I don’t want to be making excuses for him because I know we all get busy in life, but I think that if you really like a girl you would make sacrifices to be with her, even if it means you tried.  Do you think I should give him a second chance?  Is he even worth my time?   

Also, I had been talking to a young man when I was at school.  He also likes me, but said he wants to see how things work out between us.  He said he wants to be friends first, then if it goes well become exclusive.  However, I am afraid that he will lose interest in me because I am back home and he lives so far away.  Do you think this guy is serious about me?  

Thanks,

Confused and Still Single 

Dear Confused and Still Single, 

It sounds to me as if you have already given the first guy a chance, and he wasn't interested.  He was too busy to get together with you, he would agree to meet up with you and then back out, and then he cut off contact with you.  When he did contact you again, he did not apologize nor explain.  Most significantly, he did not explain what he meant when he said that he is getting his life together so that he can be with you without any problems.  My gut says that you should run away from this guy because you are a very low priority to him and he is too secretive.  I could be wrong, but it sounds as if he has another woman and they are having problems, so you are his backup girl.  You deserve better than that.  Don't allow yourself to be anyone's backup girl and don't go chasing after any guy who won't make you his priority. 

Regarding the other guy at school, keep in contact with him and be his friend.  Wait and see what comes of it.   

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Caught in the Middle Between Her Boyfriend and Her Parents

Dear Aunt Dara,

I need advice on differing cultures between my parents and my boyfriend.  My boyfriend Bill and I have been together for about a year and a half and we are both almost thirty years old.  I have a large, tight-knit family, and we like to go out a lot and do community-oriented things in our home life.  His family is more independent, and they like to do their own thing in their home life.  Nevertheless, when I visit them his parents are always friendly and interested in what I've been doing.  But when he comes over to my home, there's an awkward tension of differences in etiquette when he enters the house.  My parents might be sitting in the living room, and he comes in quietly.  He might mutter, “Hey,” but it's just so awkward, and my parents won't say a word.  I used to probe things along by saying, "Hey, Bill’s here everybody," but I've given up on that.  I've talked to both parties about it, and they both have very different perspectives.  I have gone back and forth between them on this subject, and have had an exhausting number of talks with Bill about this.

My parents have said that as a man dating their daughter, he needs to show the proper respect of giving a decent hello.  In their perspective, it's their house, and the onus is on him to greet them first. If they say hello first then, they're enabling him.  This is embarrassing to hear. 

According to Bill, he does say hello, and they are the ones withholding a greeting and being rude.  He's the one coming in as a familiar guest and should be greeted rather than made to feel like an outsider.  Every time I ask him to give a more direct greeting, he thinks I'm putting him down.  He says it's just his personality, and they need to be more accepting.  It has become a big soft spot for him, as he feels like I'm not defending him—that I'm allowing my parents to dictate how he should do things (or change him) when they are not doing their part to welcome him. 

From my parents’ perspective, that's ridiculous.  They are asking him to be a man, and step out of his comfort zone a little.  They believe these are signs of immaturity and a lack of self-confidence and respect.  Despite the fact that they do get along when he's around (for the most part), neither side is backing down.  The opinions of my parents are hurtful, and Bill has made it known that he needs to know I can stand by him on this.  The awkward greetings continue to happen, and they are painfully embarrassing for me. 

Signed,

Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught in the Middle,

It’s clear that you are frustrated with this situation and you feel pressured as the one in the middle.  Being caught in the middle is rarely a good thing.  The person in the middle tries to deliver messages to both parties and be the mediator and negotiator.  This seldom works out well, and the person in the middle usually ends up displeasing both parties.  Your parents and boyfriend should be discussing this directly with each other (Proverbs 26:17, Matthew 5:23-24, Matthew 18:15).

It would appear that your boyfriend and parents understand this from a different perspective and they have differing expectations about how people should behave.  As you pointed out, cultures differ.  Even families within a similar culture differ in their customs and mannerisms.  Your boyfriend needs to understand this and adapt to your parents’ expectations.  He cannot expect your parents to be like his family and accept his (perhaps) muttering a “Hey” as a proper greeting.  Your boyfriend sees your parents’ behavior as cold and unwelcoming, but he is misinterpreting your parents’ behavior.  Your parents see your boyfriend’s behavior as immature and disrespectful.  Your parents are correct.  Your boyfriend is demonstrating immaturity by using his “personality” as an excuse and he is demonstrating disrespect by continuing to offend your parents and refusing to change his behavior.  Furthermore, he is demonstrating immaturity by placing you in the middle, and then blaming you because you aren’t “defending” him.  He is old enough to understand this, and he needs to show proper respect toward his elders and honor your parents as if they were his own (Exodus 20:12, Leviticus 19:32, 1 Peter 5:5-6). 

God bless,

Aunt Dara