Is there a Christian Duty to Provide Housing for Others?

Dear Aunt Dara,

When my husband and I married six years ago his cousin was living with him and paying nominal rent.  He was recently sober (from alcohol only—pot and pills didn’t count), and after we married he moved into a condo owned by my brother-in-law.  Long story short: His sobriety didn’t last and he ended up homeless. 

In the meantime my husband and I now have two kids under the age of 5 and we are planning on moving into a larger house.  His cousin has recently become sober again and claims not to be drinking, taking pills, or smoking pot.  My husband has asked that we move his cousin in with us “to give him a family life.”  I am vehemently opposed and actually told him as such about a year ago when he mentioned this then as well; at which point I got a 30 minute long Jesus lecture.  

My husband sets no boundaries with people who live with him (I saw this firsthand while we were dating) and I am afraid his cousin will start drinking again and my husband will not kick him out.  We desperately need marriage counseling, but I don’t know if it will help.  He is very stubborn, especially when he thinks what he is doing is right (even if it is being an enabler of a mooch, as he feels it is his Christian duty).  Please help!  I don’t want to live with his cousin.

Worried Wife 

Dear Worried Wife, 

Thank you for writing to me about this most difficult situation.  For a thing to be considered a “Christian duty,” there must be a scripture that instructs Christians to do it.  The Bible clearly says “if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8), but we need to look at the context of this verse—providing assistance to widows (1 Timothy 5:3-16).  Verse 4 says, “But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God.”  Verses 9-16 expand further by listing qualifications for a widow to be eligible for assistance from the church.  We know that a person’s spouse and underage children are included in the instruction to provide for one’s own and for those in his household.  We also know from verses 4 and 16 that parents and grandparents who have become unable to provide for themselves are also included.  However, what scripture instructs a Christian to provide support for an adult relative, regardless of how this person is related to you?  

Some people will argue that we are to provide unlimited help to anyone in need, citing Matthew 25:31-46.  However, nothing in this passage indicates or suggests that assistance rendered must be continuous, ongoing and unlimited.  Just as visiting the sick or imprisoned person is temporary and time-limited, so providing assistance to a needy person is a temporary situation.  Jesus did not say that we are to continue to feed, house, and clothe a needy person.  Even if this person is a relative, we are not to allow them to become dependent on us.  The Apostle Paul wrote in 2 Thessalonians 3:6-12 that a person should be self-supporting.  A person should not take advantage of others or become a burden to others (a mooch, as you put it).  He even said that it’s commanded that “if anyone will not work, neither shall he eat” (2 Thessalonians 3:10). 

Regarding your specific situation, bringing an adult cousin with a long-standing problem of substance abuse and addiction into your home would be unwise at best, and would most likely be a mistake that your husband will regret.  He may be your head (Ephesians 5:22-33), but that does not mean that your wishes should be disregarded.  When making a decision that affects the entire family, both husband and wife must be in agreement.  After all, it’s your home, too.  One spouse cannot bring in a third party to share a living arrangement without the full consent and approval of the other spouse.  To bring another resident into the home against the wishes of the other spouse will most likely destroy the marriage.  I’ve seen it happen, multiple times.  You also have to consider the affect this would have on your children, who are still quite young and impressionable.  At best, this man would be setting a bad example for your children.  It may also pose a risk for them, or for you.  Your husband must put you and the children first.  That is his Christian duty.  He has no moral obligation as a Christian to provide housing for an adult cousin.

For additional information, I recommend that you read my post “Must a Christian Help Everyone Who Asks for Assistance?” published on October 24, 2017 and my post “Drawing the Line Between Helping Others and Being Used” published on April 24, 2019.  Both of these posts deal with similar issues.  You may access them at https://askauntdara.blogspot.com/2017/10/must-christian-help-everyone-who-asks.html and https://askauntdara.blogspot.com/2019/04/drawing-line-between-helping-others-and.html.  This is a summation of the major points:

 

1.     The Bible instructs us to be temperate in all things (1 Corinthians 9:25, 1 Timothy 3:11), which means to show moderation, to have self-restraint, and to do things within a reasonable limit. 

2.     We need to do good works within a reasonable limit, and the Bible warns us that we will destroy ourselves if we do not (Ecclesiastes 7:15-16). 

3.     Christians are to follow Jesus’ example and do good to others (Acts 10:38, Galatians 6:10).

4.     Jesus set an example of taking frequent breaks from helping others so that He could meet His own needs (Luke 5:15-16).  He did not allow other people’s needs to cause Him to neglect His own needs.

5.     Jesus recognized when people were trying to take advantage of Him and did not give them what they wanted (John 6:22-27). 

6.     Jesus did not always respond to requests and He set conditions for the people He helped (Matthew 15:21-28). 

7.     God does not always give us what we ask for in prayer and sets conditions for His blessings (John 9:31, James 1:5-8, James 4:3, 2 Corinthians 12:7-9). 

8.     Therefore, if God can deny requests and set limits and conditions for what He does for people, then we can do the same.  You have the right to set appropriate limits and conditions with others, and you have the right to turn down requests. 

9.     Helping means that you render assistance, and inherent in this definition is the understanding that such aid is temporary until the person no longer needs assistance (2 Corinthians 8:11-14). 

10.  If the person is not moving toward gaining independence, you are not helping them, you are fostering dependency.  In other words, you are enabling them.  God expects people to provide for their own needs and not become dependent on others (2 Thessalonians 3:10, Ephesians 4:28).

 

God bless,

Aunt Dara

 

 

 

Should She Go Back to Her Ex-Husband?

 Dear Aunt Dara,

I was baptized as a teenager and attended church regularly for a time.  I became involved with an older crowd and stopped going to church, although I was still a believer.  At age 20 I married a man 10 years older than myself.  He’s an atheist.  I allowed him to use logic to convince me not to believe.  We were married for 31 years.  There were lots of problems in our marriage (he’s an alcoholic, we went bankrupt, he put his friends ahead of me, etc.), but he was always faithful to me.  I returned to church and he was supportive of it but would not attend with me.  Then a few years ago, only a few months after I had begun regular church attendance, an old flame from high school looked me up and contacted me.  He said he had loved me ever since high school.  He’s a Christian and even has a pastoral credential.  I began to believe that God had sent this man to rescue me from my unhappy marriage.  We had an affair.  I moved out and divorced my husband.

The relationship with the old flame was tumultuous, to say the least and I’ve finally ended it for good.  My ex-husband still wants me back.  I am committed to living as a Christian and doing God’s will.  I have prayed about this but I don’t have anyone I can talk to about it.  We have two grown children.  Our daughter does NOT want us to get back together.  Our son is indifferent.  How can I know God’s will?  What is the right thing to do?  Do I go back to my ex-husband even though he’s an atheist, or do I try to find a Christian man?  Please help!  Thank you.

Seeking God’s will 

Dear Seeking, 

First of all, I would like to commend you for ending the relationship with your old flame and for your desire to do what the Lord would have you to do.  You ask if you should go back to your ex-husband who is an atheist, who is an alcoholic, who drew you away from God previously, but yet he was your husband for 31 years, he is the father of your children, and he is willing to forgive you for your unfaithfulness and take you back.  I am sure that you would get all kinds of opinions about this, but ultimately it is your decision.  Nobody can tell you if you should go back to him or not, including me.  However, I can give you some scriptures that may help you to make a wise decision.  Please read the 7^th chapter of First Corinthians, and pay particular attention to verses 10 and 11.  Notice that the Lord gives you two choices in verse 11, but getting involved with another man is not one of them.  Also refer to Mark 10:2-12, 1 Peter 3:1-6, and 2 Corinthians 6:14-18.

Regardless of what you decide regarding reuniting with him, God wants you to be faithful to Him and He wants your husband to believe and have a saving faith in Him (Hebrews 11:6 and 2 Peter 3:9).  Therefore your primary goal should be to increase your own resolve to remain faithful to the Lord and focus on bringing your husband to believe in God.  Learning what the Bible says through hearing, reading and studying it, is the best way to increase one’s faith and promote belief in God (Romans 10:13-17), but since your husband will not attend church he may be unlikely to study the Bible with you or read it for himself.  Therefore, I consulted with a preacher friend of mine who recommended books written by an atheist who set out to disprove the existence of God but in the process he became a believer.  The books are The Case for a Creator: A Journalist Investigates Scientific Evidence That Points Toward God and The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel.  Mr. Strobel is a journalist for the Chicago Tribune, and he has written other books, among which are The Case for Faith, The Case for Christianity and The Case for Easter (about the resurrection).  I have not read any of these books, and I am usually very hesitant to recommend anything that I have not read personally, but I respect this preacher’s opinion.

Please keep in mind that becoming a Christian and sincerely following Christ is the best way to improve a marriage and to help a person to overcome problems, so things should start to get better if your husband becomes a believer.  I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.  Please let me know if this was helpful.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

All They Do is Argue

 Dear Aunt Dara,

I have been in a relationship with this guy for about three years now and it's not going very well. Yes, I know that feelings change as time goes on, and the way it feels when a relationship is just starting will eventually go away.  However, right now in our relationship we don't even talk to each other, and it seems as if every time we talk to each other we get into an argument.  It would be one thing if this had been going on for a few months, but this has been going on for over a year.  I am tired of it.  To make it even worse, I think I like someone else.  He goes to my church and I was told by friends that he likes me, too.  He is a great guy and has helped me out and looked out for me in so many ways I don't know how to thank him.  But I want to work my current relationship out if I can.  I just don't want to pick the wrong one or go out of the will of God for my life.  I prayed on it but I have yet to get an answer.  I will continue praying on it.  I would just like some advice to help me through this.

Totally Confused

 

Dear Totally Confused,

Thank you so much for writing to me and trusting me with your situation.  I can see that you are confused, and justly so.  It's understandable that you are tired of the arguing.  Some things to consider are:

1.     Are you arguing about the same things over and over, or are the arguments over different things each time?

2.     Do the arguments end with a resolution, or are you both still in disagreement when they end?

3.     Do the arguments involve anger, physical aggression, name calling, accusations, etc.?

4.     Is he also troubled by the arguments and ready to try to work things out to avoid them?

Arguing is not necessarily an unhealthy thing in a relationship, but constant arguing or arguing that leads to anger, hurt feelings, verbal or physical aggression, or not resolving the issues are red flags of an unhealthy relationship.  Unfortunately, I read nothing in your email that indicates that you currently have a healthy relationship with your boyfriend.  It may be time to have a heart to heart talk with your boyfriend to see if he is willing to work out your problems. 

As I said in my post on January 8, 2017, the scriptures do not teach that God chooses “the one” that we are to be with and we must find the “right one” that God has chosen for us.  God has given us free will to choose to marry whomever we wish (see Numbers 36:6 and 1 Corinthians 7:39), but He expects us to make the choice that will honor Him.  If being with your boyfriend makes you feel worse, if he is abusive toward you in any way, or if he is unwilling to make any changes to improve your relationship, then perhaps he is not the right one for you.

God bless,

Aunt Dara