Christmas Gift Lists and Gift Receiving Etiquette

Dear Aunt Dara,

I'm very obsessed with nerd culture.  I enjoy science fiction movies and books, video games, and Japanese cartoons, and I enjoy collecting merchandise from series I enjoy.  I research everything on Christian review websites before I buy, watch, play or read them.  I also enjoy creating artwork of my favorite characters.  Last year for Christmas at my uncle's house, I put mostly fan merchandise on my Christmas list, such as t-shirts or figurines featuring my favorite characters.  My uncle ordered all the presents from Amazon, but I ended up with a bunch of items from series I don't watch (including one that was very immoral) and that I can't use.  It was a huge embarrassment for everyone.  Anyway, Christmas is fast approaching, and I don't want a repeat of what happened last year.  My mom suspects that my uncle ordered things from the "recommended" section next to my Amazon list.  One thought I had for this year was to list two or three franchises I like and several types of items I collect, but then I realized he could run into the same problem as with the Amazon wish list.  Then I thought about asking for gift cards, but I have such a hard time deciding what to get with them, and my uncle really doesn't like going to the mall, which is where most of the stores I shop from are located.  One person suggested that I put in the product numbers for what I want, but that seems a little rude (also, she's older and I don't think she understands Amazon very well).  I thought about asking for art supplies, but I have very specific things I need for my artwork, which could be a problem.  I thought about asking for devotionals, but I have several different theological beliefs than they do.  Do you have any advice about what I should do, or should I just be grateful with whatever I get, even if I can't use it or it's not from a show I watch?  What's the best socially acceptable thing to do?  Thanks!

Much ado about Christmas

Dear Much ado about Christmas, 

Thank you so much for asking me about this!  This is an excellent question and a very timely one.  I am sorry that things did not work out well for you last Christmas and that your gifts from your uncle were inappropriate and embarrassing.  He probably had no clue that his gifts weren't appropriate, and he probably would have been very sorry had he known that you were embarrassed.

Gift buying can be very stressful for many people.  Some people appreciate having a wish list or a gift registry because it relieves some of the stress about what to get.  Other people may be put off by gift registries or wish lists because they would rather give a gift that they chose rather than what the recipient chose.  (It makes the gift seem more personal if they choose it themselves).   Many people realize that their tastes differ from that of the recipient, and therefore they will include a gift receipt so that the recipient can easily exchange the gift.  Other people would be offended if the recipient exchanged their gift.  So you see, there are many different views about what is appropriate regarding gift giving and receiving.  Regardless of the different views about gifts, they all have these things in common:

1.  The giver is under no obligation to give any gift at all, so when he or she gives something, they are expressing that they thought of the recipient and they wanted to express their thoughts of them in a tangible way.
2.  Because gifts are not compulsory and they symbolize that the giver is thinking of the recipient, the recipient should always respond with gratitude.  So, regardless of whether or not the recipient likes the gift, the recipient should always respond with, "Thank you so much" or "Thank you for thinking of me."

The Amazon wish list is very convenient and straightforward, so I really don't know what happened with your uncle last year that he ordered from Amazon but not what you had on your wish list.  I can understand your frustration and your desire to not repeat what happened last year.  Your uncle could give you an Amazon gift card, and that way you can buy things on your wish list yourself.  Amazon also sells gift cards for several other merchants, so your uncle might
be able to place an Amazon order for a gift card for one of the stores that you like.  If your uncle doesn't like the idea of giving a gift card (and many people don't) and would rather give you something that he picks out, go ahead and put devotionals on your list.  I realize that your theological beliefs do not align with those of your family, but Christian devotional books do not teach sectarian doctrines.  Devotional books focus on God's love, mercy, grace, goodness, and other such themes that are common to all Christians.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

Should She Give Him a Second Chance? Part Two.

Hello Aunt Dara,

 

I know I’m writing you again, but I feel as if I might be letting go of someone who could be my future husband.  A few weeks ago I told you about a guy I was talking with for 6 months and then he disappeared into thin air for about a month.  He had been contacting me ever since with apologies and telling me that he wants a second chance.  I have prayed about him and this situation, but I have not heard an answer from God about it.  A part of me wants to have nothing to do with him, but the other side is telling me that maybe he truly is sincere and really wants to make a long lasting relationship.  As I also told you before, I am talking to another guy who is away at school.  We talk but it’s not very frequent and it’s sometimes short.  It is very difficult to gauge his feelings for me because he lives far away and he is in medical school so he is always busy.  A part of my heart says give him his space and let him study, and when he come back we will get to know each other better.  But the other side is saying he probably has lost interest in me and is probably talking to other women and by the time he comes back I’m afraid he won’t even try to go on a date.  He has taken the initiative to ask me how I am doing and sends me pictures via text from time to time.  Also, he asked me I plan to do about my schooling situation.  But I’m afraid because I don’t know how long that will last.  The funny thing is, I while ago I had a dream about him studying at school, but I have yet to have a dream or even hear an answer from God about the first guy.  (God speaks to me a lot through my dreams).  You see this is the reason I say I’m stuck in the middle.  Maybe it’s my insecurities that are causing me to feel this way.  What is the best way to approach this situation?  Also, you told me that the way the first guy was acting I should run from him.  Do you still think I should? I am having serious doubts. 

Sincerely,

Confused and Still Single 

Dear Confused and Still Single, 

There are two ways to approach relationships--romantic and pragmatic.  The romantic approach focuses on an idealized view of reality and is more concerned with feelings.  How does this person make me feel?  Does he make me happy?  The pragmatic approach deals with things more realistically based on practical considerations.  It focuses on behavior rather than feelings, and therefore is more logical and down-to-earth.  As I read your communications to me, I am wondering if you are so focused on what you hope a man will become and what you hope will happen with him in the future that you are ignoring what he has demonstrated that he is.  In other words, you are taking the romantic approach.  The problem with that approach is that it is feelings-based, and feelings change with time and circumstances.

When evaluating relationships, it's best to take a more pragmatic approach and focus on behavioral evidence.  Why?  Because men know how to play women.  They know what to say to charm women, and if a man wants you, he will tell you what you want to hear.  The man of your dreams will promise you the moon, but a down-to-earth man will fulfill your dreams.  So, look at the evidence (Matthew 7:15-20).  The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so how has each man treated you in the past?  (Do not listen to his promises that he will change.  That's one of the lines from his female play book.)  Does his behavior demonstrate stability and Christian maturity? (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Galatians 5:22, Ephesians 5:9, James 3:17, and 2 Peter 1:5-7).  And do not listen to your insecurities.  Focus on the objective evidence?  What evidence do you have that the man in medical school has another woman?  What is the evidence that the things you suspect are true?

You have no doubt heard, "Follow your heart," but the Bible says that the heart is deceptive (Jeremiah 17:9).  Unfortunately, dreams most often reflect what is in our heart, and therefore are not a guide to God's will.  God gave us an intellect with which to reason and He gave us the Bible to guide us.  So, my advice to you is to listen to God in His word (the Bible), and follow you head, not your heart.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

 

Dear Aunt Dara, 

 

Thank you.  You are right.  The other guy in school has said that he wants to take me on a romantic date when he comes back from school and wants to try to make it work.  So I just need to ask God to give me some patience and I need to give him some space.  I feel maybe this is a good opportunity to work on myself as well until December comes around because I really like him.  You never know with these guys nowadays, and maybe a long distance relationship is what I need to stay focused.

 

Confused and Still Single 

 

Dear Confused and Still Single, 

 

You're welcome, and I think you are making a wise decision. 

 

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Should She Give Him a Second Chance?

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I am having some mixed feelings and I need to straighten up a lot of things in my life, including my relationship status.  I have been talking to a young man for 6 months while I was away at school.  He seemed to be greatly interested in me and things were going in the right direction.  I truly felt as if I found the one for me until last month when I came home from school.  I was so excited to get to see him and finally go on some dates with him, but he was always busy with work.  He works evening shifts.  It became really frustrating because he would agree to meet me but never follow through.  Then I stopped hearing from him and didn’t hear from him for weeks.  It wasn’t until last week he texted without saying he was sorry or giving any explanation that he wanted to see me.  He still keeps texting me and he told me to give him a second chance and that he was getting his life together in order to be with me without any problems.  I don’t want to be making excuses for him because I know we all get busy in life, but I think that if you really like a girl you would make sacrifices to be with her, even if it means you tried.  Do you think I should give him a second chance?  Is he even worth my time?   

Also, I had been talking to a young man when I was at school.  He also likes me, but said he wants to see how things work out between us.  He said he wants to be friends first, then if it goes well become exclusive.  However, I am afraid that he will lose interest in me because I am back home and he lives so far away.  Do you think this guy is serious about me?  

Thanks,

Confused and Still Single 

Dear Confused and Still Single, 

It sounds to me as if you have already given the first guy a chance, and he wasn't interested.  He was too busy to get together with you, he would agree to meet up with you and then back out, and then he cut off contact with you.  When he did contact you again, he did not apologize nor explain.  Most significantly, he did not explain what he meant when he said that he is getting his life together so that he can be with you without any problems.  My gut says that you should run away from this guy because you are a very low priority to him and he is too secretive.  I could be wrong, but it sounds as if he has another woman and they are having problems, so you are his backup girl.  You deserve better than that.  Don't allow yourself to be anyone's backup girl and don't go chasing after any guy who won't make you his priority. 

Regarding the other guy at school, keep in contact with him and be his friend.  Wait and see what comes of it.   

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Caught in the Middle Between Her Boyfriend and Her Parents

Dear Aunt Dara,

I need advice on differing cultures between my parents and my boyfriend.  My boyfriend Bill and I have been together for about a year and a half and we are both almost thirty years old.  I have a large, tight-knit family, and we like to go out a lot and do community-oriented things in our home life.  His family is more independent, and they like to do their own thing in their home life.  Nevertheless, when I visit them his parents are always friendly and interested in what I've been doing.  But when he comes over to my home, there's an awkward tension of differences in etiquette when he enters the house.  My parents might be sitting in the living room, and he comes in quietly.  He might mutter, “Hey,” but it's just so awkward, and my parents won't say a word.  I used to probe things along by saying, "Hey, Bill’s here everybody," but I've given up on that.  I've talked to both parties about it, and they both have very different perspectives.  I have gone back and forth between them on this subject, and have had an exhausting number of talks with Bill about this.

My parents have said that as a man dating their daughter, he needs to show the proper respect of giving a decent hello.  In their perspective, it's their house, and the onus is on him to greet them first. If they say hello first then, they're enabling him.  This is embarrassing to hear. 

According to Bill, he does say hello, and they are the ones withholding a greeting and being rude.  He's the one coming in as a familiar guest and should be greeted rather than made to feel like an outsider.  Every time I ask him to give a more direct greeting, he thinks I'm putting him down.  He says it's just his personality, and they need to be more accepting.  It has become a big soft spot for him, as he feels like I'm not defending him—that I'm allowing my parents to dictate how he should do things (or change him) when they are not doing their part to welcome him. 

From my parents’ perspective, that's ridiculous.  They are asking him to be a man, and step out of his comfort zone a little.  They believe these are signs of immaturity and a lack of self-confidence and respect.  Despite the fact that they do get along when he's around (for the most part), neither side is backing down.  The opinions of my parents are hurtful, and Bill has made it known that he needs to know I can stand by him on this.  The awkward greetings continue to happen, and they are painfully embarrassing for me. 

Signed,

Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught in the Middle,

It’s clear that you are frustrated with this situation and you feel pressured as the one in the middle.  Being caught in the middle is rarely a good thing.  The person in the middle tries to deliver messages to both parties and be the mediator and negotiator.  This seldom works out well, and the person in the middle usually ends up displeasing both parties.  Your parents and boyfriend should be discussing this directly with each other (Proverbs 26:17, Matthew 5:23-24, Matthew 18:15).

It would appear that your boyfriend and parents understand this from a different perspective and they have differing expectations about how people should behave.  As you pointed out, cultures differ.  Even families within a similar culture differ in their customs and mannerisms.  Your boyfriend needs to understand this and adapt to your parents’ expectations.  He cannot expect your parents to be like his family and accept his (perhaps) muttering a “Hey” as a proper greeting.  Your boyfriend sees your parents’ behavior as cold and unwelcoming, but he is misinterpreting your parents’ behavior.  Your parents see your boyfriend’s behavior as immature and disrespectful.  Your parents are correct.  Your boyfriend is demonstrating immaturity by using his “personality” as an excuse and he is demonstrating disrespect by continuing to offend your parents and refusing to change his behavior.  Furthermore, he is demonstrating immaturity by placing you in the middle, and then blaming you because you aren’t “defending” him.  He is old enough to understand this, and he needs to show proper respect toward his elders and honor your parents as if they were his own (Exodus 20:12, Leviticus 19:32, 1 Peter 5:5-6). 

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Remaining a Virgin Seems to be More of a Burden than a Blessing

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I am a 21-year-old Christian woman and lately the struggle of being single and waiting until marriage has taken a toll on me.  The Bible tells us that we should wait until marriage before having sex and I do agree, but I feel the older I get the harder it is.  I am waiting, but it feels useless.  Most guys I talk to haven't waited, so I often wonder if it’s really worth it.  What am I waiting for then?  Being a virgin is getting to be a burden more than a blessing.  The Bible talks about not burning with passion and getting married and I know we weren't meant to be alone, but how am I supposed to wait when I have these feelings?  Since we are supposed to wait on God’s timing, what if I don't get married until later on in life?  I am in a state of confusion and even depression.  I meet a lot of guys that I come to like and then they tell me they haven't waited and I feel useless.  I hold so much value to my virginity, but does it have any value?  What if I marry a man that has had sex prior to marriage?  I know we should forgive, but it’s very difficult because I want that experience to happen for the first time for both of us.  I often feel like a naive girl who still believes in happy endings, and the more I date, the more I am upset and even angry at God.  I am sorry if my words are all jumbled, but I am trying to express all my emotions at once.  I hope to hear from you soon.   

Still Waiting 

Dear Waiting,

First of all, I would like to say that I believe that you have a heart for God and you really want to do the right thing.  I can tell that you are struggling with this, and it’s deeply affecting you spiritually and emotionally.  I pray that what I’m about to say is helpful and will serve to both guide you spiritually and alleviate some of your emotional pain. 

Two virgins sharing their first sexual experience on their wedding night is a dream that many Christian young people share.  However, reality often does not match our dreams, as you are discovering.  You state that you wonder if it’s worth it to keep your virginity when so many young men are not, and how would you be able to forgive your husband if he was among those who had sex prior to marriage.  We forgive others because we have been forgiven.  As Christians, we are all weak, fallible human beings who are trying to do the best we can to please God and avoid sin, but temptations are strong and we sometimes give in (Romans 7).  The point is to not give up trying to please God and turn to committing sin deliberately and habitually (Romans 6:16, Hebrews 10:26-27).  I think that young people get caught up in the idea of finding someone to marry so we will be able to satisfy our sexual urges, which are normal for us to have.  However, we are missing the point.  Submission to God’s will and His timing should be our goal, rather than fulfilling the lust of the flesh.  Too many young people rush into marriage because of fleshly lust, only to regret it later.  Getting married should not be our goal.  Following God’s will should be our goal.  If marriage is His will for us, He will bring the right person into our lives at the right time—and that’s why maintaining our virginity is worth it.   

It’s worrisome that this has become a self-esteem issue for you and you are struggling with feelings of uselessness, depression, and anger toward God.  I strongly suggest that you find an older Christian woman and share with her your struggles (James 5:16), and if your self-esteem and depression do not improve, please talk to a professional counselor who is a Christian.  I also suggest that you read “Having Sex in a Committed Relationship with the Person You Love” that I posted on February 21, 2016 and pay particular attention to the Footnote to My Readers Regarding Sin which is at the end of that post.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Must Christians Reconcile with Abusive Family Members?

Dear Aunt Dara,

As a Christian, I struggle with some family situations and would like some advice.  I am the youngest child in my family, and my mother is narcissistic.  While growing up, I was trained to be subservient to all of them and they never stopped expecting that behavior from me even as an adult.  For no reason, my sister stopped talking to me, and then three years later wrote me a letter apologizing, but also expressing her extreme jealousy of me.  I chose to not respond.  My brother has always been a bachelor and I was close to his last girlfriend.  When they split up, she sent me emails and pictures she had taken off his computer to prove to me that he had been cheating on her with prostitutes the entire time.  He has been involved in sex tourism going to other countries.  Trained as I was, I kept my mouth shut about what I knew.  A year later, he started dating another lady and wanted to bring her to my house during Christmas.  When I said he could not, he went ballistic and threw me out of his life.  I told my mother what my brother had been doing with the prostitution, and she chose to ignore it and tried to bully me into ignoring it, too.  I don’t speak to any of them anymore.  However, the lady my brother was seeing got pregnant.  They got married but split up about 4 months later after she found out what he was doing.  I now have a relationship with her and my nephew who is 3.  I haven’t spoken to my mom or brother for 4 years, nor my sister for 8 years.  I am 54.  I went to counseling for 6 months, and I pray for all of them and I feel as if I’ve worked through my feelings.

So here’s the issue for me.  I live a good, happy life.  We have one son, grown and doing great.  I go to church regularly, sing in the choir, and have many friends (some, like family).  This is the first time I’ve had a group of people surrounding me that mostly think I’m fantastic!  I’m a grateful and happy person.  But I often hear preachers talk as if all good Christians find a way for reconciliation.  When I think about extending a hand of peace to any of these people, I think about the chaos and unhappiness it will bring back into my life.  I’ve spent most of my life being bullied by my family, and walking on egg shells.  It’s very difficult for me to believe that God wants me to have people in my life that have been and will be abusive to me again if I extend an olive branch.  Can you clarify this for me?

Thank you for your thoughts,
Finally Happy

Dear Finally Happy,

Thank you for writing to me about your questions.  First of all, I would like to commend you for getting counseling and working through your emotions related to your family relationships.  And I am pleased that you are now happy and living a Christian life.  I can tell that you are a conscientious person who wants to be pleasing to the Lord in everything.  Some well-meaning preachers and other Christians tend to make assumptions regarding how Christians are to behave in human relationships, especially family relationships.  These assumptions are: (1) “All good Christians will find a way for reconciliation.” (2) “Forgiveness requires that the relationship be restored.” (3) “God wants Christians to maintain relationships with family members, even abusive ones, simply because they are family.  Therefore, good Christians must restore broken relationships with their family members.”  The scriptures that are most often used to support these assumptions are Matthew 5:23-25 that teaches that a person needs to be reconciled with his brother before offering his gift on the altar, multiple scriptures that teach that Christians must forgive others, and multiple scriptures that say that Christians must be patient and longsuffering.  Inherent in all three assumptions is a judgment statement: Christians must do these things.  If they don’t, then they are not good Christians.   

Assumption 1:  “All good Christians will find a way for reconciliation.”  There is no such thing as a good Christian or a bad Christian.  There are only forgiven Christians.  Christians can be faithful or unfaithful.  When a brother or sister says that we are not being good Christians, in reality they are making a judgment that we are unfaithful Christians.  When they say that a good Christian must find a way for reconciliation with everyone, they are misapplying Matthew 5:23-25.  If you look at verse 22, you can see that Jesus is teaching that if you remember that your brother has something against you (i.e. your brother has a cause to be angry at you), then go and be reconciled with your brother (i.e. ask your brother to forgive you).  Certainly, we cannot be reconciled with someone who is angry at us without just cause to be angry.  We are not responsible for other peoples’ thoughts, feelings, or behaviors.  How can we be responsible for restoring a relationship when we have done no wrong?  That is why Romans 12:18 tells us, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”  Sometimes with some people, it is not possible to have peace.  In other words, sometimes reconciliation is not possible. 

Assumption 2:  “Forgiveness requires that the relationship be restored.”  Forgiveness is not a suggestion.  It’s a command.  Matthew 6:14-15 and many other scriptures tell us that we must forgive or we will not be forgiven.  Forgiveness is something that takes place in our heart (Matthew 18:35).  Jesus gave us the formula for how to forgive in Matthew 5:44, which says to love our enemies, bless those who curse us, do good to those who hate us, and pray for those who use us and persecute us.  It is nearly impossible to feel anger and resentment toward someone if we are praying that God will bless them and we do good to them.  However, forgiveness does not necessarily require reconciliation.  How do I know this?  Because reconciliation requires a willingness from both people.  If the other person refuses to reconcile with you, does that mean that you have not forgiven?  Of course not.  God is not going to judge us based on the emotions or behaviors of other people.  Remember—you are not responsible for anyone’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors except your own.  Does God want you to have people in your life that have been and will be abusive to you again?  NO.  (Even Jesus did not try to be reconciled with his enemies, and He had many!)  Now, if those people repent, then forgiveness with reconciliation will be possible (Luke 17:3-4).  If they do not repent, then shake the dust off your feet (Matthew 10:14). 

Assumption 3:  “God wants Christians to maintain relationships with family members, even abusive ones, simply because they are family.  Therefore, good Christians must restore broken relationships with their family members.”  I am aware that the fifth commandment says to honor father and mother, but Jesus said that there are relationships that surpass human family relationships (Matthew 12:46-50).  Throughout his ministry, Jesus taught that there are more important things than maintaining human family relationships (Matthew 8:21-22, Mark 10:28-30, Luke 14:26).  We must not allow any family relationship to hinder our walk with the Lord.  We need to surround ourselves with people who will help us to get to heaven and avoid those who are a source of drama, bullying, chaos, and abuse. 

In closing, reconciliation with your family members is possible only if they express a desire to reconcile with you and if they demonstrate repentance by treating you better.  Those preachers who tell you that “all good Christians find a way for reconciliation” mean well, but they are confused about what forgiveness means and have misunderstood Jesus’ teaching on reconciliation in Matthew chapter 5.  Additionally, they cannot judge you.  They have not lived your life and they don’t understand your situation.  God knows, and He’s the only one you need to answer to.   

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Was Leaving the Right Thing to Do?

Dear Aunt Dara,

I had a bad experience at a church and ended up leaving, but I wonder if leaving was the right thing to do.  It was a very small church, only about 6 or 7 persons who met at the pastor's house.  I had been very close friends with the pastor and his wife, and they said I was like their daughter, so I wanted so much to keep the friendship.  However, the church had a lot of issues that were either glossed over or ignored.  It was nothing blatantly sinful, though.  For example, we started 20-30 minutes late every single week, but some of the things were personal.  There was a woman in the church who made fun of things I liked.  She once asked me what book I was reading before service, and when I told her she immediately sneered, "Oh, why would you want to read about that?"  I was hurt but I didn't say anything because this woman had lost her husband and son in recent years and she was basically viewed as a pillar of Christian faith.  However, everything I said, from making a joke to expressing an opinion, was seen as critical by the pastor.  I was constantly being scolded about being critical and he frequently told me to get over myself and stop having the critical spirit.  

The pastor and his wife got a dog.  They knew I didn't care for the dog, so they attempted to train the dog to leave me alone.  They would say to the dog, "Leave it! Leave it! Leave it!"  I hated being called "it" and being used as a training tool.  They eventually got another dog and treated the dogs as their children.  I was disgusted by the dog hair covering the meeting room, the filthy dog toys everywhere, and the "cute" dogs' constant interruption during service, but if I said anything, it would have been seen as selfish and critical.  I didn’t like dogs, but everyone else did.

I shared some of my private struggles with the pastor in an email, and he shared it with the church without even asking me if it would be okay.  I was terribly hurt.  Eventually things got so bad that I cried every time I arrived at church because I felt so hurt inside.  Finally, the pastor decided we needed a talk, but the talk was him blaming me for everything and scolding my critical attitude, giving me a guilt trip, then telling me I would not fit in anywhere else.  Then I made him mad and he grabbed my arm and shoved me across the driveway to my car before basically insulting me in front of his wife.  I have not been back since.

I still feel terrible about what happened.  We were all supposed to be close-knit, but I had not fit in there for a long time.  Getting made fun of by the woman mentioned earlier did not help matters.  I begged God for months and months to change me so I would like dogs, among other things, but He did not.  I feel as if I didn't do enough to salvage the relationship.  You are only hearing my side of the story, but those I have talked to have mostly said that my old pastor was controlling and mean and that it was good I got out.  What is your opinion?

Confused Woman 

Dear Confused Woman, 

To continue to attend a church where you feel that level of hurt and you cry at the thought of being there takes a lot of strength and dedication to the Lord.  It sounds as if you struggled a lot to fit into that church and did what you could to make it better.  I am sure that God saw your efforts and understands your struggles.  I have observed that sometimes when we have done all that we can do to make the best of our current church (or job), leaving is often the best solution.  When we look back later we are able to see that God used the problems associated with that church (or job) because He had a better plan for us—another church or job where He wants us to be.  You need not feel bad about leaving that church, for leaving may have been what God intended for you to do.  I hope that you have found another church where you feel edified and accepted.  Some of the scriptures that deal with how Christians are to treat one another are found in Romans chapter 12, Galatians chapter 5, Ephesians chapter 4, Philippians chapter 2, Colossians chapter 3, 1 Peter chapter 3, and 1 John chapters 3 and 4.

By the way, had the spirit of love been in that church, the pastor and his wife would not have persistently used the dog to harass you.  Furthermore, allowing the dog to interrupt church services was disrespectful toward God. 

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Should She Pursue a Relationship with an Age Difference?

Dear Aunt Dara,

I am a 31-year-old single woman.  I have a question on age differences.  I have been talking online to a guy I know who is 19 (soon to be 20 in less than a month).  He has shown some interest in me.  He is a Christian man and we share the same beliefs.  Would it be unbiblical or unwise to pursue this?  I feel people would judge me, especially because about 3 or 4 years ago he had been a student of mine. 

Unsure

Dear Unsure, 

Unbiblical, no.  Unwise, probably. 

There is nothing in the Bible that forbids romantic relationships or marriage when there is a significant age difference, regardless of which one is the older of the two.  Generally speaking, society tends to have more negative regard toward a female being the older one, but nothing in the Bible indicates that such a relationship is wrong.  I have not been able to find a specific example in the Bible involving a marriage between a significantly older woman and a younger man, but Genesis 38:11 does give an example of Judah promising his widowed daughter-in-law that she could marry his youngest son when he was grown. 

However, in your case it would probably be unwise to pursue this.  First of all, wide age differences tend to become less significant when the people involved are older.  For example, if the younger of the two is in his or her 30s, both will have achieved sufficient maturity to meet the inevitable challenges that are unique to marriages involving disparate ages.  In your case, you have had years of experience as an adult, but he is just now entering adulthood.  He does not have the life experiences and independent living skills necessary to become the head of the household, and he likely still possesses many adolescent characteristics.  Therefore, you will likely find him to be too immature for you.  Secondly, both of you will face criticism and disapproval from others, so both of you will have to have a solid sense of self-esteem and self-confidence to withstand others’ disapproval and negative remarks.  It’s doubtful that a 19 or 20-yr-old has developed this level of maturity.  Be prepared for the stiffest disapproval to come from his family, especially his parents.  At worst, they may see you as the older woman who poses a threat to their son who is still a boy in their eyes, and they may try to break up the relationship.  At best, they will be suspicious of your motives.  Lastly, it would be unwise for the reason that you stated—you used to be his teacher.  Even if you have not been his teacher for a few years and he is no longer a legal minor, you will still be the subject of accusations and disapproval.  This could potentially have a damaging effect on your professional career.  With all these potential pitfalls, are you sure you want to take the chance? 

For further information on this topic, please refer to my post on January 4, 2011 titled “She’s Old Enough to be his Mother.” 

God bless,

Aunt Dara