Dear Aunt
Dara,
My boyfriend and
I have been together for nearly 6 months.
In the second week of our relationship, he told me that he felt
compelled by the Holy Spirit to tell me about his past, and also because I had mentioned
to him that I trust that he would be honest with me. He told me that he got into a sexual
relationship with one of his ex-girlfriends 7 years ago. She is about 14 years his senior and is
someone he knew from work. It was his
first job and she was nice and showed him the ropes. I asked if they did
it once or twice and he told me “many times.”
I really appreciate his honesty with me and I know that it took him
a lot of courage to tell me about his past.
I also appreciate that he told me early in our relationship and did not
wait until I sank in deeper before telling me.
I must admit
that my heart sank when I heard it. I
told him that what I look for in a boyfriend is that firstly, he must be a
Christian, and secondly, a virgin. To me
sex is something that should be enjoyed only between married couples. After he told me about his past, I felt at a
loss. He told me that if it is really
hard for me to accept his past, maybe it isn't God's will that we end up together. Hearing that made my heart sink because I am
really in love with him and I trust that he is the one God led me to. I understand that even if I were to find a
guy who is a virgin, that doesn't guarantee that he will love me and
love God as much as my boyfriend does. I
questioned God and asked why He would lead me to someone who is all that I’ve
ever wanted and even more but he has given his first sexual experience to
someone else. My boyfriend is someone
who has a passion for Christ, who wants to lead me closer to God and is God
fearing. I love that he has a heart
for Christ. He told me that Jesus died
for all our sins and not all sins except sexual sins, and I agree with
him. Jesus has forgiven him, so who am I
to question that? Plus, I know that
I myself am also a sinner, so who am I to judge him for his past?
Things went
well for the next few months after that, but I sometimes find myself
replaying that scene in my mind where he told me about his past. I find it difficult to forget what I
heard. I also find it difficult to talk
about it with him because I don’t want him to think that I am holding his past
against him. I know it is unfair to him,
but I can't pretend that everything is fine and that I am not affected. I find it hard to find someone to talk to
about it as I do not want them to judge him based on his past, but I have to
admit that the knowledge of his past is slowly eating me up. I keep myself going by praying and asking God
for strength because I know that I can't get past this on my own strength. My boyfriend told me that men will
disappoint us but God will not, so I am trying to keep my focus on God and
remember that I should place my hope in God and God should be the centerpiece
in my life.
I also
appreciate that he has never asked me for sex and we both plan to do it only
when we are married. I love that he
spends time to pray with me and we now attend a Bible study together. We’ve also been to Marriage Preparation
Retreat together and we are planning to get married. However, I really want to get this resolved
before we get married because if I don’t I am afraid that it will affect our
marriage. Will his past sexual
experience affect our future sex life?
Will he have certain expectations because he has done it before and I am
still a virgin? I really love him, but I find his past tearing me
up. I feel so lost. I don't want to give him up and risk missing
the love of my life just because he isn't a virgin. But on the other hand, what I know is
haunting me. Please Aunt Dara, give me some guidance on how I should handle
my relationship! I want to do what
pleases God! Thank you in advance for
your advice. I look forward to hearing
from you.
God
bless,
Struggling Girlfriend
Struggling Girlfriend
Dear Struggling Girlfriend,
As I read and reread your letter, I see several positive signs in your boyfriend and your relationship with him. You indicate that he has a spiritual focus, that he loves God, has a heart for Christ, and that he wishes to help you to grow spiritually and demonstrates this by praying with you and attending Bible study with you. He also seems to be very dedicated to you and your future together as demonstrated by his desire to marry you and to attend a marriage preparation retreat with you. From what you have written, it would appear that your boyfriend is an honest, sincere person who truly loves God and loves you.
From the beginning he was honest with you about his past and did not keep his past sexual sins secret, but therein lies the problem. You say that your expectation for the man that you marry is that he should be a virgin. You ask why God would lead you to someone who is all you ever wanted but is not a virgin. Keep in mind that your desire to marry a man who is a virgin is your expectation, not God's. God never said that entering marriage is for virgins only. I am not saying that sex outside of marriage is not sin. It is. I am saying that God does not forbid marrying someone who has committed sexual sins. So, why would God lead you to this man despite your desire to marry a virgin? Because God has forgiven him and no longer holds his sins against him. Please refer to 1 John 1:9, Psalm 103:8-12, Jeremiah 31:34, Hebrews 8:12 and Hebrews 10:17.
You ask if your boyfriend will have certain expectations regarding your sex life when you marry because you are a virgin and he is not. That's highly doubtful. He knows and understands that you are a virgin, and I am sure that he is very pleased that you are. I don't predict that he will expect anything from you that would be unrealistic.
You ask if his past sexual experience will affect your future sex life. Only if you let it! Remember that the Bible says, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new” (2 Corinthians 5:17). The blood of Christ cleanses us from all sin, just as if it never happened. It is possible to have a good marriage with someone who has committed sexual sins, and has repented of his sin and is now living a life pleasing to God. You said that it was 7 years ago when he was sexually involved with a woman he met on his first job. That tells me that he was a young man. Young people make a lot of mistakes and do things they later regret and are ashamed of. That's the nature of youth. That's why David wrote, "Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions; According to Your mercy remember me, For Your goodness’ sake, O Lord" (Psalm 25:7). What if the situation were reversed and you were the one who had given in to temptation and did the things that he did 7 years ago?
Your boyfriend's willingness to be open with you about his sins and his 7 years of abstinence from sexual sin indicate to me that he will be the kind of man that you can trust to be honest with you and faithful to you. In bringing the two of you together, God has given you a precious gift, a man who will be a blessing in your life. Cherish God's gift and give your boyfriend the love and mercy that he deserves. Focus on the present; let go of the past.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
As I read and reread your letter, I see several positive signs in your boyfriend and your relationship with him. You indicate that he has a spiritual focus, that he loves God, has a heart for Christ, and that he wishes to help you to grow spiritually and demonstrates this by praying with you and attending Bible study with you. He also seems to be very dedicated to you and your future together as demonstrated by his desire to marry you and to attend a marriage preparation retreat with you. From what you have written, it would appear that your boyfriend is an honest, sincere person who truly loves God and loves you.
From the beginning he was honest with you about his past and did not keep his past sexual sins secret, but therein lies the problem. You say that your expectation for the man that you marry is that he should be a virgin. You ask why God would lead you to someone who is all you ever wanted but is not a virgin. Keep in mind that your desire to marry a man who is a virgin is your expectation, not God's. God never said that entering marriage is for virgins only. I am not saying that sex outside of marriage is not sin. It is. I am saying that God does not forbid marrying someone who has committed sexual sins. So, why would God lead you to this man despite your desire to marry a virgin? Because God has forgiven him and no longer holds his sins against him. Please refer to 1 John 1:9, Psalm 103:8-12, Jeremiah 31:34, Hebrews 8:12 and Hebrews 10:17.
You ask if your boyfriend will have certain expectations regarding your sex life when you marry because you are a virgin and he is not. That's highly doubtful. He knows and understands that you are a virgin, and I am sure that he is very pleased that you are. I don't predict that he will expect anything from you that would be unrealistic.
You ask if his past sexual experience will affect your future sex life. Only if you let it! Remember that the Bible says, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new” (2 Corinthians 5:17). The blood of Christ cleanses us from all sin, just as if it never happened. It is possible to have a good marriage with someone who has committed sexual sins, and has repented of his sin and is now living a life pleasing to God. You said that it was 7 years ago when he was sexually involved with a woman he met on his first job. That tells me that he was a young man. Young people make a lot of mistakes and do things they later regret and are ashamed of. That's the nature of youth. That's why David wrote, "Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions; According to Your mercy remember me, For Your goodness’ sake, O Lord" (Psalm 25:7). What if the situation were reversed and you were the one who had given in to temptation and did the things that he did 7 years ago?
Your boyfriend's willingness to be open with you about his sins and his 7 years of abstinence from sexual sin indicate to me that he will be the kind of man that you can trust to be honest with you and faithful to you. In bringing the two of you together, God has given you a precious gift, a man who will be a blessing in your life. Cherish God's gift and give your boyfriend the love and mercy that he deserves. Focus on the present; let go of the past.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
Part Two
Dear Aunt Dara,
Thank you so much for your advice! I am very thankful to be able to speak to someone about how I’m feeling. I think the issue that I am facing now is that I can forgive but can't forget. I understand that he did not let me down because he committed that sin before he met me. I realize God has forgiven him and no longer holds his sins against him, but I find it so hard to forget what I know. Sometimes when I look at him his past automatically comes up in my mind and the thought of what he did with someone else makes me sick. I must admit that there were times when I’m frustrated with the fact that I saved myself for him but he couldn't do the same for me, plus the fact that he was a Christian when he committed that sin. (He had been a Christian for about 6 years when he committed that sin.) I understand that being a Christian doesn't mean that one will not sin, so I know it is wrong of me to think that because he was a Christian then he shouldn't have committed that sin. I just thought that he should be able to resist temptation more since he was a Christian. Now that he has given his first time to someone else, we can't enjoy our first time with each other. Would he compare me to her?
I am really not sure why I find it so important to marry a virgin. Is it because of my faith, or am I just wired that way? Could it be that I don't love him enough that I can't look past his past? I feel so unsure at times. Would it help if I talk to him about how I’m feeling? If hesitate to talk to him about it because I’m worried that it would reopen old wounds and he would wonder why I am so caught up with his past. Just when I thought I had gotten over it and moved on, the monster shows its head again. I really want to focus on the positive and the present of our relationship, but there are days where it is so difficult. How do I learn to forget? It seems that the more I want to forget, the harder it is to do so. Some days I wake up feeling positive that I can let go of his past, but some days I feel the opposite and it makes me doubt if he really is the one God wants me to spend the rest of my life with.
I’m sorry for taking so much of your time but I feel like I have no one to talk to and I feel so suffocated at times. I know I should learn to trust and rely on God in everything but sometimes that is really easier said than done. I hope to hear from you soon Aunt Dara. I am very, very thankful for all your time and advice!
God bless,
Struggling Girlfriend
Dear Struggling Girlfriend,
I have been praying about what more I can say to you that would be helpful in your situation. Seven years ago your boyfriend fell into sin. He was tempted and he gave in. Yes, he was a Christian when he sinned. Yes, he knew better. Yes, he should have resisted temptation, but sexual temptation is very strong and sexual sin is very difficult to stop once it has begun. You ask what to do to forget about his past. Then focus on the present. Focus on the positive; look for the good (Philippians 4:8). It's there. This man loves God and loves you...AND he has been celibate for 7 years! Remember those things each time Satan tries to remind you that this man is not a virgin, and stop thinking that since he did not save himself for you that you have been cheated from your dream of marrying a virgin. He has been saving himself for you for the last 7 years.
Will he compare you to the other woman? I don't know, and neither do you, so ask him. He will understand that you may be feeling insecure in that regard. Let him reassure you that he loves you and desires you. Also, realize that as his wife you will be able to give him something that the other woman never did and never could—sexual fulfillment without guilt. That will make you very, very desirable to him.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
I have been praying about what more I can say to you that would be helpful in your situation. Seven years ago your boyfriend fell into sin. He was tempted and he gave in. Yes, he was a Christian when he sinned. Yes, he knew better. Yes, he should have resisted temptation, but sexual temptation is very strong and sexual sin is very difficult to stop once it has begun. You ask what to do to forget about his past. Then focus on the present. Focus on the positive; look for the good (Philippians 4:8). It's there. This man loves God and loves you...AND he has been celibate for 7 years! Remember those things each time Satan tries to remind you that this man is not a virgin, and stop thinking that since he did not save himself for you that you have been cheated from your dream of marrying a virgin. He has been saving himself for you for the last 7 years.
Will he compare you to the other woman? I don't know, and neither do you, so ask him. He will understand that you may be feeling insecure in that regard. Let him reassure you that he loves you and desires you. Also, realize that as his wife you will be able to give him something that the other woman never did and never could—sexual fulfillment without guilt. That will make you very, very desirable to him.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
Part Three
Dear
Aunt Dara,
Thank you once again for your reply and support. They mean a lot to me! I really don't want to lose my boyfriend just because of that. I believe God is teaching me to learn to trust in Him. Perhaps I've placed too much importance on marrying a virgin that I've failed to see the other blessings that God has given me. I want to truly love the man God led me to. I think it will take me some time to fully untie the knot in my heart and I will continue to turn to God for strength! I am considering sharing how I feel with my boyfriend, but I'm worried about how he will take it and if it will do any permanent and serious damage to our relationship. Thanks again Aunt Dara for all your time and prayers. I feel less alone. :)
God bless,
Struggling Girlfriend
Thank you once again for your reply and support. They mean a lot to me! I really don't want to lose my boyfriend just because of that. I believe God is teaching me to learn to trust in Him. Perhaps I've placed too much importance on marrying a virgin that I've failed to see the other blessings that God has given me. I want to truly love the man God led me to. I think it will take me some time to fully untie the knot in my heart and I will continue to turn to God for strength! I am considering sharing how I feel with my boyfriend, but I'm worried about how he will take it and if it will do any permanent and serious damage to our relationship. Thanks again Aunt Dara for all your time and prayers. I feel less alone. :)
God bless,
Struggling Girlfriend
Dear Struggling Girlfriend,
Thanks for letting me know how you are doing. There would be no harm in sharing with him that you have a problem and you need his prayers. You don't even have to name the problem. I would suggest that you start with that. However, if you still feel the need to discuss it directly with him, perhaps it would decrease the chances of causing any permanent or serious damage if you approach it with an attitude of humility, acknowledging that you have a problem and you need his prayers and assistance to overcome it.
God bless,
Aunt DaraThanks for letting me know how you are doing. There would be no harm in sharing with him that you have a problem and you need his prayers. You don't even have to name the problem. I would suggest that you start with that. However, if you still feel the need to discuss it directly with him, perhaps it would decrease the chances of causing any permanent or serious damage if you approach it with an attitude of humility, acknowledging that you have a problem and you need his prayers and assistance to overcome it.
God bless,
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