Red Flags in a Relationship

Part One
 
Dear Aunt Dara,

I knew a guy indirectly from a friend and I had been drawn to him for a couple of years.  It was unexplainable of why I was so attracted and drawn to this guy whom I never met.  Not knowing that he was interested in me as well, he asked for my number.  He explained how he appreciated the encouraging posts and songs, and I seemed like a cool person.  So we begin talking and in only a week, we were talking on the phone every day and texting non-stop.  After three weeks, he told me that he loved me and he believed that I was the wife that was destined for him.  Within a month, I found out that he had just moved into his own house that his step mom left him (his dad is in jail and his mom only talks to him when she wants something).  He had no car.  He dropped out of college because he felt it wasn't for him and wanted to start working full time.  This is the total opposite of me because I grew up with my married parents, I have a car, and I'm a full time student.  I didn't judge because I felt as though not everyone had the privilege of growing up with both parents, and people have experienced other casualties.  I also learned that he had been saved for a little less than a year, and before he got saved, he used to sleep around with a different girl every night.  A lot of baggage, but again, I didn't want to judge on someone's past.

After a month I wanted to meet him in person, but he had no car.  My parents wouldn't let me drive 20 minutes to see him because they believe in a guy should come to see the girl.  My mom construed the idea of her driving to pick him up and bringing him here, but now she regrets the decision.  She picked him up and when he got here, it was amazing.  He asked me to be his girlfriend, but I felt it was rushing because we only known each other for a month.  However, I felt so attached to him that I needed to be with him.  I was in love with him and with his relationship with God.  He moved really fast though.  He kissed me very forcibly like he was sexually frustrated.  After we became a couple, he started to ask me to check in with him.  He doesn’t want me speaking Spanish in front of him, and the only time he seems interested in what I have to say is when I am talking about God.  He asked me to only wear skirts and dresses.  Because I refused to not wear skirts and dresses all the time, he called me selfish and wanted to break up.

We stopped talking for a whole month and he finally contacted me.  We didn't get back together, yet we acted like we were in a relationship.  Here’s the problem.  He has started asking me to send him pictures when I go jogging to make sure my shorts aren't too short.  He tries to pressure me to drive to his home to see him, and I said no.  I said if he wanted to see me, he would make a way to see me.  He has been used to girls saying yes and driving to see him, so when I said no, he stopped talking to me for three weeks.  (At this point, we had only seen each other once and that was about 3 months ago.)  So, after 3 weeks of silence, he asked to meet with me in my town.  I met him and he told me during the time we weren't talking, he "almost" had sex with another girl.  I was hurt.  I knew that even though we weren't dating, I wouldn't do that, especially if he was the one I loved.  He begged me not to leave, so I didn't.  

Since then we have seen each other many times because he got a car and a new job in my town.  Still, he never drives to see me; I drive to see him.  That is never what I expected.  I always thought it should be the other way around.  Once again, he asked me to drive to his home to see him, and I said no.  He called me selfish, and by this time, I was fed up.  I told him that I'm giving him my all and he is offering me nothing.  The only time he has put any effort to see me was when he hopped into my mom's car.  After I told him that, he wanted to take another break.  I begged him to talk to me and he refused.  I told him that he can either speak to me or I want to cut all ties.  He told me that if I want to leave, then leave.  So I left.  I cannot stop thinking about his being a jerk who threw me away.  I don't know what to do.

Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

You are to be commended for finally getting fed up with a selfish person who uses manipulation and control to try to get what he wants.  There are so many red flags in this letter, that I would have a difficult time trying to list them all.  But this I know for sure, this is NOT the man that God wants you to be with.  God doesn't want us to be in a relationship with someone who is this dysfunctional.  I know you think you love him, but please do not confuse attraction with love.  Trust me, this man does NOT love you and he does NOT put God first in his life.  When a person's actions do not match what they say, ignore their words and trust the behavior.  There is absolutely nothing in this person's behavior that shows that he loves you or that he loves God.  Don't fall for his persuasive words.  Cut the ties and don't look back!  Don't let him try to manipulate himself back into your life.  You don't need the emotional drama and he will only bring you heartache and regret if you continue to be involved with him.

God Bless,

Aunt Dara

Part Two

Dear Aunt Dara,

It's me again.  It's been a little over a month since all this stuff has happened.  He has tried contacting me which I've ignored, and because I deleted him from all social media pages, he has been doing little things to try and catch my attention.  I've just been ignoring him until finally I was agitated.  I let those little menial things get to me and I responded back to him and asked him to stop.  That's just words because in my heart, I don't want him to actually stop trying to contact me. However, after I told him to stop, he blew up my phone with phone calls begging to just talk.  After denying his phone calls for a while, I finally just let him say what he had to say.  He begged for my friendship and said nothing more.  He just wanted my friendship, my prayers, and my love.  I talked to him for a couple hours but Aunt Dara, I feel really stupid.  I don't think I can accept his friendship. Not that he is a bad person, but I don't want to see him move on with someone else and I have to be okay with it.  I feel really empty.  I've been talking to God but I feel like I've been agitating God with the same old thing.

Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

It is your choice whatever you decide to do in regard to him.  However, I suggest that you stop asking God what He wants you to do and begin listening for God's answer.  When you get God's answer, don't keep playing around with your indecision.  If God is saying that this person is unstable, unhealthy, and will be a source of pain for you, then cut all ties.  (All means all.  Any contact at all will only make matters worse and prolong the issue, which you found out.)  If God is telling you that He wants you to continue having contact with him, then by all means, obey God.  However, there are so many red flags in this relationship, I foresee that you may have a very difficult future if you choose to remain with him.  Do you believe that is what God really wants for you?

God bless,
Aunt Dara