Her Family Doesn’t Like Her Church

Dear Aunt Dara,

For the past few months, I have been attending a new church.  The problem is that my husband is not a church-goer.  He says he doesn't like my church for various reasons, and he complains that "it’s too loud.”  Additionally, I have a 9-year-old little girl who gives me problems about attending church with me.  At times I have dragged her, unwillingly and in tears, to church with me.  On several occasions my husband has tried to intervene by telling me that she doesn’t have to go.  Isn’t it my job as a Christian and as a parent to try to raise my child in the church, or do you think she will come around on her own?

Frustrated Mom

Dear Frustrated Mom, 

Actually, it is both your job and your husband's job to raise your child in the church.   However, if this situation remains unchanged, you will succeed in turning your daughter against attending any church and you will have never won your husband.

As I read your letter, I question a few things.  First of all, what is your daughter's objection to attending church?  Is it just your new church that she doesn't want to go to?  If so, what is it that makes her so unhappy that she is in tears as she is being dragged there?  Secondly, is your new church the only church that your husband objects to?  Would he be more willing to attend a different church where it isn't as loud and he would have fewer objections to?  And lastly, since this is a new church for you, why do you continue to attend there when your husband obviously doesn't approve of that church and your daughter so desperately doesn't want to go there?

In the best interest of your family, talk to your husband and get his input into the church that he would be wiling to attend.  Then both of you can be united in being a good example to your daughter by taking her to church together.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

Boyfriend Revealed He is Addicted to Pornography

Dear Aunt Dara,

After my boyfriend and I began talking about marriage, he confessed to me that he has struggled with an addiction to pornography for the past couple of years.  I feel very hurt and betrayed.  Not only was he involved in this sinful act, but he started a relationship with me while it was a problem and he hid it from me and lied about it to me for this long.  

I feel lost and I don't know what to do or how to handle the situation.  My boyfriend and I have had our challenges before, and I'm struggling with trying to identify whether God is trying to tell me that this is not the man for me, or if He is ensuring that we are a strong couple and through His work we can make it through anything together.  We currently are broken up while he works on his recovery, and I now am faced with the decision (once he's recovered) to forgive him and pick up where we left off or to leave him and move on.

My boyfriend truly wants to become a better man for himself, for God, and for me.  He has tried to fix his addiction multiple times before, but they all have failed.  He realized that the only way to really overcome his problem is to have lost the one most important thing in his life because of it - that being me - and the only way to gain me back is if his addiction is no longer existent.  That all is flattering and I very much appreciate that he is trying so hard to eliminate the issue, but I don't know what's more important - the fact that he is truly committed to changing to become a better man, or the fact that he has been observing sinful material for TWO YEARS and hid it from the woman he plans to marry.

I would very much appreciate any insight and advice you have about this situation.  At the least, prayer to allow my (ex) boyfriend to quickly and effectively find healing and recovery and for me to find clarity as to what to do about the situation would mean a lot to me.

Thank you so much,

Loved and Betrayed

Dear Loved and Betrayed,

I strongly suspect that any change that your (ex) boyfriend makes will only be temporary based on his long-term history of this behavior, his multiple failed attempts to change on his own, his apparent lack of remorse for having sinned against God, and his current reasons to want to change.  Let me explain.

“Addiction” to pornography is not an illness from which one needs to recover.  (I speak as a Christian and a licensed mental health professional.)  Your boyfriend has been habitually engaging in a willful, sinful behavior, and he needs to repent.  It appears that you may have fallen for his excuse that he has an “addiction” from which he needs to “recover,” and he seems to be offering an excuse for future failure by telling you that he has “tried to fix his addiction multiple times before but they have all failed.”  The reason that his past attempts to stop his sinful habit have failed is because he was trying to “fix” it on his own—without God and without the power of the Holy Spirit.  True repentance is based on godly sorrow for having sinned against God (2 Corinthians 7:10).  Where was the godly sorrow?  Where was the confession of sin against God (I John 1:9)?  Where was repentance and prayer (Acts 8:22)?  Where was the reliance on Christ for strength (Philippians 4:13, John 15:5)?  Only by doing these things can he overcome his problem, regardless of his assertion that the only way to overcome his problem is realizing that he has lost the most important thing in his life (you) because of it.  Furthermore, the most important thing in anyone’s life should be God!

If he truly believes that the only way to get you back is “if his addiction is no longer existent,” he will lie and tell you what you want to hear.  Repentance based on sorrow for having hurt or disappointed another human being will only last as long as the relationship lasts, or until the person is able to resume his sinful behavior in secret.  Please don’t misunderstand me.  I am not saying that he can’t change, or that he can’t be forgiven, or that he can’t live a pure life in the future.  What I am saying is that he needs to take personal responsibility for his behavior and acknowledge that it is sin, not an “addiction” or illness from which he needs “recovery.”  He needs to genuinely repent for the right reasons and pray to God for forgiveness.  Above all, he needs to put God first in his life—not you.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Is Her Marriage Built on Lies?

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I've been married about two months.  I am 19 soon to be 20 and my husband is 22.  We are expecting a baby in a few months and I love my husband very much.  We got married because we knew we were right for each other and the baby just sped up our marriage date.

Here's the problem.  Ever since we've gotten married, my husband has been acting more and more like a child than a grown man!  And today he got tired of me and just left the house in my car.  I've called him 5 times today and texted once and he ignored me!  To top it off, he left his i-pod at home today and I looked through his messages (which I know was wrong).  He has been messaging his child's mother (who doesn't know he's married) very often and there are messages with lots of hearts and smiley faces.  They even say they love each other or they miss each other!  One said that they wished the relationship could have worked out!  These messages were sent a couple of months to a month before we were to get married.  What should I do?  I've been praying and asking God for spiritual growth for the both of us and protection of our marriage, but I feel that my husband's faith is stagnant.  The messages make me feel that our marriage is built on lies. 

Sincerely, 

Feeling Deceived and Defeated 

Dear Deceived and Defeated,

As I read your letter, I have to wonder just how committed your husband is to you and your marriage.  It seems a little strange that he was sending these types of messages to another woman so shortly before your marriage.  I also wonder how committed you are to making your marriage work, since you seem to be harboring some resentment and negative thoughts about your husband.  Negative thoughts produce negative attitudes, which produce negative behaviors, and ultimately lead to negative outcomes.  Many, many couples divorce because one or both of them begin entertaining negative thoughts about their spouse, focusing on their spouse’s faults, and dwelling on how miserable they feel because their spouse isn’t making them happy. 

However, marriage isn’t about what you get from the other person—it’s about what you give.  Successful marriages are built on honesty, trust, respect, faithfulness, intimacy, kindness, consideration, and affection.  You can’t make your husband give you these things, but you can make a commitment to give these things to your husband.  Furthermore, there is no place for secrecy in marriage, because the Bible says that husband and wife are to become as one (Gen. 2:24, Matthew 19:5).  Ephesians 5:22-33 instructs us in how husbands and wives are to treat each another.  You and your husband need to have a heart-to-heart talk, being totally honest with each other, confessing your faults to each other and forgiving each other.  The two of you need to pray together regularly for spiritual growth and for your marriage.  That child that you will soon be bringing into the world deserves to have two parents who love God and love each other.

Unfortunately, the other woman will always be a part of your lives because she and your husband share a child.  However, your husband must not place himself in a position where he will be tempted into sin, and he should immediately stop communicating with her in secret.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Is God Punishing Him?

Dear Aunt Dara, 

Recently I was tricked by my friend into going to a heavy metal concert.  The music this band played went against all good Christian ideals, and many of the fans were encouraging this and even shouting things such as, "Hail Satan", etc.  Then as I was driving home my car was starting to make strange sounds, and the engine eventually stopped working and started smoking.  We had to call a tow-truck, and now the car is ruined.  I am very worried.  Is God punishing me for going to this heavy metal concert and being with such an unsavory crowd?  Please help!

Sincerely,

Punished by God

Dear Punished,

I don't know if God was punishing you or not, but I think that the important question to ask is, "What is the lesson to be learned from this?"  If this experience makes you more careful about the friends you choose, the places you go and the types of entertainment that you participate in, and brings you closer to God, then the loss of your car was worth it.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

Still Struggling to Rebuild Trust in an Unfaithful Spouse

Dear Aunt Dara,

About this time last year, I discovered my wife had been having an affair with another man for two years.  My wife has always claimed to be a Christian woman and has always been active in the church, same as myself.  She seemed sincerely repentant for her actions, and because we have young children we decided to try to work it out.  I still struggle to trust her, and while I don't believe she has had any further incidents of unfaithfulness, I recently discovered that there were some things she lied to me about regarding the affair.  Most disturbing was that she had this man in our house while I was at work and the kids were "hopefully" sleeping.  I let her know that I found out she’d lied about his being in the house, and she just got angry that I was bringing up the past.  She said she had already repented and that I just need to leave the past in the past.  

I have several questions I need help with.  First, should I even have brought this new revelation up, or are any new facts from the past meaningless?  Second question is, since I know who this guy is, would it be right for me to talk to him?  Part of me just wants him to know that I know what he did.  Lastly, I often question my wife's faith.  Can she really be a Christian woman and do what she did?  I know it's been over a year, but I am struggling to believe she can stay faithful based on the intensity of her affair and what she was willing to do at that time, even though I do believe she has been faithful since then.  I know that some if these issues are better suited for therapy, but I just want a Christian perspective on my thoughts from someone who doesn't know either person and is unbiased.

Struggling Husband

Dear Struggling Husband,

First of all, I want to validate your feelings.  Considering what you have told me, it is perfectly understandable that you are struggling to trust your wife again.  You were lied to and cheated on by the one closest to you that you trusted.  Next, I want to commend you for forgiving your wife and working on keeping your marriage together.  I believe that God is pleased with your decision to do so. 

To answer your questions, adultery and lying are two separate things, so I think that it was reasonable for you to address the lies, and she should be repentant of that sin also.  However, what good would be accomplished by talking to the other man?  If it is just to let him know that you know what he did, that will just make the situation worse.  Even if your motives were pure, confronting your wife’s ex-lover is not a good idea and could be very risky.  In this matter, I agree with your wife—let the past stay in the past.  Concentrate on rebuilding your relationship with your wife and put the thoughts about the other man out of your mind.  You and your wife may need to have marital counseling with your pastor or a Christian counselor to get past this.  And don’t try to determine if your wife is really a Christian woman.  We are all just weak human beings who mess up all the time and do things that we deeply regret later.  Read Psalm 103:8-14 and think about the things that its writer David did.

I pray the best for you and your family.  God bless,

Aunt Dara 

She Thinks her Husband is a Hypocrite

Dear Aunt Dara,

I have a husband who is leading a Christian recovery program and in his spare alone time, he watches violent non-rated movies.  Yesterday he seemed to be acting distant, so I checked his Netflix account and saw that he had watched a movie with female nudity.  He and I have been married for almost 7 years, but he's hardly affectionate to me.  The only time he ever reached out to hold me while in bed was when there was an earthquake, and he wanted me to be calm.  That was within the first two months of our marriage.  The only time he sits next to me and puts his arm around me is in church.  I'm so mad at him.  How can he watch these evil movies, and actually allow his eyes to look at those other women.  Yuck!  I know I'm fat, but it's still not right!  I feel like he's a hypocrite for marrying me and then not even showing me affection or that he treasures me.  Actually, he watched prostitution movies before on my Netflix account, so I cancelled it and he soon opened his own account. 

A tough thing is that I've had boyfriends in the past who simply slow-danced with me, and actually happily read a Bible together with me, and wanted to speak with me about dreams and goals.  Those memories make it hard for me to be satisfied today.  I feel as if we're taking turns playing video games and going through evil motions of wasting time.  I'm actually a co-leader with him in the recovery group, and I don't want to go back when I see what he chooses to watch in his spare time.  Do you have any suggestion on what I should do?

Sincerely,

Disillusioned Wife

Dear Disillusioned Wife,

I have never taken this long to reply to a letter before, so I ask your forgiveness for my delay.  I know that I have some things to say to you that may be very hard for you to hear, so please forgive me if my reply may seem to be blunt, or even harsh.  Please understand that my intention is to be helpful, not hurtful.

It is obvious that what you are doing to try to change your husband isn’t working, so it’s time for a new strategy:  Change yourself.  Let me explain.

Your anger and behavior toward your husband are counterproductive to improving your marriage.  Furthermore, you are playing with fire when you think about former boyfriends who seemed to be more affectionate and loving toward you than your husband is.  You must get these other men out of your mind or your thoughts will poison what relationship you still have with your husband, as will your angry thoughts toward him regarding his choice to participate in ungodly entertainment.  Your husband obviously is not listening to you when you try to get him to stop viewing unsuitable material, and he may view your efforts to get him to stop as being controlling and manipulative.  He needs to reach the decision to change his behavior on his own, and repentance can only occur if he has godly sorrow for doing things that displease God (2 Corinthians 7:10).  Otherwise, even if he does stop, he would just be doing it to get you to stop criticizing him (which is why he does these things in secret).  Does your husband even acknowledge that he is participating in sinful entertainment?  I encourage you pray for him and solicit assistance from your church leaders to teach him how to live a more pure life. 

I also recommend that you change your behavior and attitude toward your husband by focusing on his strengths, treating him with respect and kindness, and being affectionate toward him rather than being hurt and upset because he isn’t affectionate toward you.  Do not harbor any negative thoughts toward your husband, but treat him the way that you want to be treated (Matthew 7:12).  Strive to become a woman of meek and gentle spirit who loves her husband (1 Peter 3:1-6), and let God change your husband.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Younger Woman Dating an Older Man

Dear Aunt Dara,

I am 26 years old and have been dating a 45-yr-old man for two years.  We love each other very much and would like to get married in the near future.  He is divorced with two children.  He's a very good father to his children and I know he'll make a good husband.  We are both Christians.  We get along very well, share similar interest and goals, and appear to be compatible.  I'm Nigerian but have been living in the states since I was 17.  My parents still live in Nigeria.  The problem is my parents want me to end the relationship with him because of our age difference and the fact that he has been divorced and has two children.  My dad referred to him as "second hand" because he's been divorced and says he will never give me to marriage to him.  My parents say he will divorce me too.  My dad referenced the Bible that God hates divorce.  My dad said he does not feel at peace with our relationship and he has been praying for me.  They are worried that I'll bring shame to them and people will talk about it.  The main issues that my parents have with him are his age, divorced and two children.

I have been praying about our relationship because I knew it was going to be challenging.  I have prayed for God's guidance and discernment in helping me to make a good decision that will honor God.  He has been praying also.  I have often felt afraid of him passing before me because he's much older.  The thought of being without him hurts, but with prayer I've been able to deal with it.

I love my parents and do not want to disappoint them.  I've always done what they wanted but I'm at a point where I don't want to end the relationship and I don't think my parents will ever change their minds.  I also feel I cannot live my life for them or for the Nigerian culture and what people back home would think or say.  I feel torn.  What do I do?

Younger Woman

Dear Younger Woman,

First of all, I want to commend you on the mature way that you are approaching this.  Obviously the two of you love God and each other, and you are seeking God’s guidance.  I really believe that your parents have your best interest in mind more than their concern about what others will think.  They want you to make a wise decision and believe that marriage to an older, divorced man with children will ultimately be a mistake.  It is natural for parents to feel this way and they believe they are giving you wise counsel.  The Bible instructs us to listen to our parents (Proverbs 13:1), but that doesn’t mean that our parents are always right and that adult children should always do what their parents say.  You must do what God is leading you to do.

That being said, your parents do have some valid concerns.  God intends for marriage to be a lifetime covenant (Mark 10:2-10).  When a couple marries, they are taking a solemn vow to God that they will be committed to each other for life.  To break a vow to God is a very serious matter (Deuteronomy 23:21-23).  The Bible does say that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), but God also forgives sin and wants us to stop committing sin.  So, if this man marries you, will he fulfill his vow to God by making a lifetime commitment to you?  What were the reasons behind his divorce?  What did he learn from his failed marriage?  What changes is he making to avoid repeating a painful past?  Consider very carefully that the person that you marry will have a profound affect on your life and your eternal destiny.  Will this man help you to get to heaven?  I’m sure that these questions trouble your parents.

Your parents also have concerns about his having children, and for good reason because the children will have an impact on your marriage.  Divorce is never good for children.  Divorce can be very harmful to children.  Even having a good father and a good step-mother cannot compensate for children not being raised in an intact home with both biological parents.  How do his children feel about you?  How do they feel about your relationship with their father?  How old are the children?  If the children are not grown yet, with whom do they live and what are the custody and child support arrangements?  These are but a few of the factors that will have an impact on your marriage.

Finally, there are problems with large age differences in a couple.  (Please refer to my post on January 4, 2011 titled “She’s Old Enough to be His Mother.”)  There is a strong likelihood that he might pass on before you do, but the possibility of widowhood should not keep you from living the life that God wants you to have now.  Keep praying for God’s guidance and do what God wants you to do.  I will keep praying for you, too.

God bless,
Aunt Dara