Concerned that Depression Might Return

Dear Aunt Dara,

I have a terrible choice to make that seems to have no good solutions!  I hope you can help me.  About three years ago I was feeling very depressed and all I wanted to do was disappear from my church and social life.  I was feeling it might help to get involved in my church choir and joined.  I have been so thankful since!  It has helped lift my depression, and I found that unlike most things, your voice improves in middle age!  With the encouragement of the choir master, I began to get solo parts and a lot of attention.  I was never very comfortable with the attention, but I also realized vanity began to become a problem.  I'm sure I'm as vain as the next woman in most parts of my life, not that I'm excusing that, but I found myself really ashamed in this.  In singing praise to God, at times I've been sinfully singing "Me, me, me, me, me!"  I've prayed about this and thought I could get through this by praying for forgiveness and wisdom, keeping the right frame of mind, and loving my friends in the choir who have helped me as much as the singing has.

Just when I thought I had all of this under control, along came another problem that has tested me.  An assistant pastor and his wife came to our church and they have asked that she should sing all the solo parts.  She is very aggressive, even telling the choir master that I personally really have no interest in choir (I come every week, even when I don't feel up to it), that I make all sorts of technical mistakes (I sing front and center not three feet from him and he would correct me if I did), and bad mouths me to the other choir members.  They let me know these things, since she's not much nicer to others in the choir and transparent in her envy of me.  I promise I have tried to love this person and incorporate her into our choir, even including her in a special part this week, but she goes her own way with her own timing and notes to make her part more noticeable and it falls apart.  She gestures broadly while singing to draw attention to herself and makes faces for the same purpose.  When I gently mentioned to her that I had a hard time keeping time with her and could we work on it between services, I practically saw steam come out her ears!  She refused, and I let it go.  But at the second service her husband, who sits in the front row while we sing, was glaring at me solidly through the song!  I'm not sure what she said to him during the break but I know it must have been awful!

I can tell she's a very unhappy person and I'm trying to be kind and patient, but she is running me over in a very personal way.  Telling lies about me to people who know me and like me isn't getting her very far, thankfully, but I don't know everybody.  Actually it doesn't concern me as much that she is using her position as the pastor's wife to ingratiate herself to the people she feels matter and intimidating others to put herself ahead.  Unfair as that may be, God is who hears me whether it is in the front row, the back row, the lobby or down the street!  The personal attacks hurt most and I'm still pretty vulnerable from the depression and self questioning about my own struggles with vanity.  I really feel tested and the terrible choice I mentioned is whether to quit choir before the whole thing sends me into more depression or to stay and fight my way emotionally through the pain and self doubt.  So far I think I've taken the high road and prayed through it.  I know God gave me this gift of a voice and I should use it, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this fight either.

Thank you for your consideration,

Sincerely,

Choir Conundrum

Dear Choir Member, 

Being in the choir has helped to alleviate your depression because it gives you a purpose and a way to serve God while uplifting others.  You have been given a gift from God and you are using it.  Singing brings you joy, as it should.  I believe that when Christians sing praise to God, the Holy Spirit within us is singing also, just as the Spirit helps us with our prayers.  The joy that you feel when you sing is coming from the Holy Spirit, and the reason that your singing is improving is because the Holy Spirit is working through you.  However, singing well brings praise from others, which is inevitable.  You may feel uncomfortable with praise and attention that you are receiving, but feeling joy in singing, knowing that you are singing well, and receiving praise and recognition from others are not evidence that you have a problem with vanity.  Here are some things to consider in determining if you are singing for the right reasons or if you are doing it for the attention that you receive:

1. If you don’t receive any compliments after you sing, do you worry that you didn’t do a good job?
2. Are you happy to just be another member in the choir and let others sing solos, even if they are not as good a singer as you?
3. Do you criticize other singers because you believe you could have sung the song better than they did?
4. Do you need to be up front and center in the choir, or are you just as happy to be in the back?

Regarding the situation with the assistant pastor’s wife, it could be that God has placed this woman in the choir as a test to see how you will handle it (you acknowledged that you feel tested), thus helping you to overcome any vanity that you may have.  I know that it can be frustrating to sing with someone who is less talented or less skilled as a singer than you are.  The assistant pastor’s wife is aware that her singing is inferior to yours, and that is why she is insistent that she do the solos and that she is heard above others.  Her envy of you is the reason she is saying unkind and untrue things about you, and you recognize that.  Do not allow her negativity to bring you down, even though she is saying hurtful things and criticizing you.  God knows the truth.  Those who know you also know the truth.  Even those who don’t know you will have respect for you if you overlook her unjust criticism and continue to do what is right.  Please study Colossians 3: 12-17 as your guide in this situation.

I suggest that you continue in the choir, because the depression is highly likely to return if you suppress the gift that God has given you.  I also suggest that you allow the choir master to choose who does the solos and make it clear to him that you are willing for the assistant pastor’s wife to do all of them.  I also suggest that you avoid doing any duets or other special singing with the assistant pastor’s wife, because she will likely do anything to try to outshine you.  To deal with the pain and self-doubt that you are feeling, I suggest that you read a few chapters of Psalms each day and pray for God’s peace to permeate your heart and your life, stop trying to judge yourself, continue to pray for God to bless the assistant pastor’s wife, and treat her with kindness.  Finally, whenever you sing, forget everything except God’s love and sing with joy and gratitude.  Nothing else matters—not what others say about you, not what others think about you, whether good or bad, and not even your own self-doubts.  All that matters is that God is using your voice as His instrument to praise Him and bless others.   

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Marriage would be an Unequal Yoke

Dear Aunt Dara, 

I hope you can maybe help with a question.  I think I’m grasping at straws, but here goes.  I’m a 48-yr-old woman who has been in a relationship with my partner (unbeliever) 5 years now.  I got saved in July.  I thought maybe it wouldn’t make a difference to us since I’d been with him when I met the Lord and we could just get married, and we would be okay as long as he didn’t hinder my walk with the Lord.  But the Lord has put this on my heart and I’ve asked for answers, and what I’m getting is the marriage would be wrong, the unequal yoke, etc.  I have told him I don’t think I can be with him any longer due to what I’m reading in the Bible, but he doesn’t understand and my heart is broken because I love him.  Also I feel terrible guilt for breaking his heart.  I’m hoping and praying all the time.  Please help. 

God bless,

Broken Hearted

Dear Broken Hearted,

What exactly does “in a relationship with a partner” mean?  Are you living together?  Are you having sexual relations with each other?

Giving your life to Jesus will always involve making a difference in your life.  No relationship can be the same, because you are not the same (I Corinthians 6:18-20, 

II Corinthians 5:17).  A Christian wife’s walk with the Lord will always be hindered by an unbelieving husband.  That does not mean that a woman cannot live a Christian life if her husband is an unbeliever—it just means that her service to the Lord will be limited due to being pulled in two directions (trying to do what God wants her to do, yet trying to be submissive to an unbelieving husband who likely will not be fully supportive of her service to God.)  However, rather than concentrating on marriage as the solution to your current situation and questioning if it would be okay to marry an unbeliever, perhaps you should be focusing on converting your partner to Christ.  After all, you love him.  Surely, you want him to be saved.  To convert him to Christ, you must set an example of Christ-like behavior.  That means repenting of any sins that you may be practicing and living your life according to God’s word.  This means that if you are having sexual relations with him, you must stop.  Explain to him that you can no longer have sex outside of marriage because it is sin.  But do this carefully so that he recognizes that you are rejecting a sinful lifestyle, but not rejecting him.  He may not understand at first, but as you continue to live a pure life, he may come to realize that your faith is genuine.  However, if he does not  support your decision to live a pure life, or if he demands that you make a choice between him and the Lord, then trust that God has a good plan for your life, whether it includes this man or not.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

Managing Awkward Moments After a Friendship Breaks Down

Part One: 

Dear Aunt Dara,

I am struggling with what to do regarding a friendship.

About a year ago, I went to her because she had hurt me and I wanted to talk about it.  She did not think that she had done anything wrong and started to say all sorts of cruel and unkind things to me.  I reacted and we both ended up saying some very unkind and mean things to each other. 

Two days later, she wrote an email to my husband complaining about me, but accidentally sent it to me.  I looked at this as a sign to start the reconciliation process, by taking responsibility for my part in the argument.  I told her that I was sorry for what I had said and knew that it was wrong.  She wrote back telling me how hurt she was and all that is wrong with me.  I wrote again and suggested that we get together to talk.  She agreed to meet.  I suggested a meeting place, but by now I was wondering if she would ever admit her part in the argument, so I went into more detail of some of my character flaws and areas where I was asking God to help me grow.  I admitted that these flaws were what caused me to lash out at her and asked her forgiveness.  I also wrote that I wanted to continue the relationship but could only see this happening if we both acknowledged the areas in which we hurt each other. 

She wrote back saying that she appreciated my email, but at no point did she mention her part in the argument.  We met and the first thing she said to me was I was late, when I was not.  I had been waiting at the appointed place and time.  She came 20 minutes late and said that she didn’t see me.  She then started to ask me about my life,( how is your son, how is your husband, are you going on vacation?....those kind of questions).  But she didn’t mention the argument.  Since I had already stated where I had gone wrong and asked forgiveness in an email, I didn’t see any reason for hashing it over again and was waiting for her to admit where she had hurt me.  After an hour of us talking she showed no signs of talking about our relationship.  So I said, “Are we alright?” She said, “Yes.”  I didn’t see the point of forcing her to admit her faults or ask for an apology when she clearly had not given it much thought.  So we said our good-byes and parted very amicably.  I decided at that point to forgive and learn from it.  But I also did not see how I could continue in the relationship, as I felt it would be unhealthy for me.  I discontinued contact and so did she. 

A year has gone by and we have not spoken.  Today, we ran into each other and she was very friendly and wanted to get together.  I do not see how I can have her as a friend when I still feel there is unfinished business between us.  If I raise the issue with her, I don’t think that she will want to admit to any wrong on her part.  I am afraid also if I mention it that it will just get her angry and I will expose myself to more of her hurtful words. 

What should I do?

A Friend

Dear Friend,

Few people can hurt us as much as a friend who is not supportive of our feelings.  I am sorry that it seems as if your friend is not being sensitive to your needs and is blaming you for the problems in your relationship.  She has hurt you over and over, and appears to have no remorse for doing so.  Additionally, sending a negative e-mail to your husband could have caused problems for your marriage.  I would like to commend you for going to her directly about the things that she said that hurt you and for acknowledging your part in hurting her and asking for her forgiveness.  That is all that you could have done to repair this relationship.  However, when you have done all that you can do, that is all that you can do.  It is no longer up to you to maintain the relationship.  That she has not contacted you for a year is a revealing sign that maintaining a friendship with you is a low priority for her.  Keep in mind that whenever somebody says, “Let’s get together sometime,” they often do not really mean it.  That’s just something polite to say when you haven’t seen someone for a long time. 

You did well in deciding to forgive her and to consider this a learning experience.  You are showing wisdom in backing off from the relationship and being hesitant to renew a friendship with someone who shows no remorse for hurting you multiple times and shows no evidence of repentance.  Do not expect her to ever acknowledge her part in the problems between the two of you.  Perhaps someday she will be willing to apologize to you, but likely she may not.  I would suggest that you let go of the past, keep praying for her, but keep your contact with her minimal and conversations with her on a superficial level. 

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Part Two:

Dear Aunt Dara,

Thank you very much for your response.  You confirmed to me that I have taken the right course in discontinuing the friendship.

Running into her after a year has stirred up some anxiety and I was wondering what to say if she called or kept asking to get together.  I know you said that she may have just said that to be polite, but she is a very forceful person and she did ask us to sit and have coffee with them when we ran into them.  I made up an excuse and said that we had another commitment and had to get home.  May I please ask you for your opinion on what to say if she does ask or suggests again to get together?

She and her husband have started to come to our church and I expect that we will run into each other again.  Do I just make up excuses, ignore her suggestions to get together, or tell her why I don't think that a friendship with her will work?  If I make up excuses or ignore her suggestions, I feel dishonest, but if I tell her the reason that I don't think the friendship will work when she has shown no regard for my feelings, I think she will deny that she has done anything wrong and I will open up myself to an onslaught of insults.  The reason I think that she will do this is because this has been her pattern in the past and this is how she treats her own husband.

Also we very much like her husband.  He and my husband got along very well and we enjoyed them as a couple.  But now that this has happened with us gals, everything has gone by the wayside.  My husband has not contacted her husband out of respect for me, but when we saw them the other day, her husband said to my husband that he missed us.  I feel so badly about all of this.  Her inability to see her part in the breakdown of the relationship has caused us all to hurt and feel sad about not getting together.  I told my husband that if he still wanted to maintain contact with her husband that it would be okay with me.  But really, I think this will open up some stress, as the natural course will be for us to eventually get together as a couple or when the men are together, she may want to get together for a walk or coffee as we use to do in the past.

I am sorry for all these questions.  I really would appreciate your help in giving me a good verbal response to her that would end her requests and keep me safe.  I don't want to stop going to our church in anticipation of running into her again.  It is a very good church, but the thought of running into her has created a lot of anxiety in me.

Thank you for your kindness and understanding towards me and my situation.

A Friend

Dear Friend,

I can appreciate how uncomfortable this situation must be for all of you, especially since they are now attending your church and future contact with them is inevitable.  You are doing well in letting your husband know that you are okay with his continuing a friendship with her husband, but you should not feel pressured into renewing your friendship with her as a result.  Let your husband know that you do not want to get together with them as a couple, and he should support you in that decision and avoid any situation that would place the four of you together.

If she invites you to get together with her again, do not make up an excuse.  Just decline graciously without giving any reason.  Here are some suggestions for how to respond:

"Thanks, but not today."
"No thank you, but thanks for the invitation."
"It's kind of you to ask, but I'll have to decline."

If she persists in asking, or starts asking you why you are declining the invitation, say, "I love you as a sister in Christ, but we have grown apart and I am not interested in renewing our friendship at this time."  If she questions why, just say, "I have good reasons, but they are personal."  If she keeps trying to get you to explain, use the broken record technique. (Keep repeating, "I have good reasons, and they are personal.”) Don't let her pressure you into divulging the reasons.  You have already addressed the reasons with her, and
bringing it up again will serve no good purpose.  It would just give her something to argue with you about and will open up the opportunity for her to further attack you.

Keep praying for her!

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Dear Aunt Dara,

WOW!  Thank you so much!  The responses that you suggested are perfect and I am very comfortable with all of them.  Thank you very much for your support, in all of this.  It has really helped me and I no longer feel anxious.
God bless you!

Dear Friend,

You’re welcome.  Glad I could help.  God bless you and your husband.

Aunt Dara

Should He Accept Employment at a Casino?

Dear Aunt Dara,

Last summer I was unexpectedly laid off.  While I have been working at a minimum wage job for the last 6 weeks the bills are getting harder and harder to pay.  I recently applied for a job as a security guard for $15 per hour, but when they called me for an interview my wife was very upset to hear that I could be working for a casino.  She feels very strongly against gambling and only wants me to take a job if it is honoring to God.  There is another even higher paying job that I am waiting to hear back from, but until I actually get an offer I am viewing all such possibilities as birds in the bush.  I want to provide for my family and I also want my wife and God to be happy.  I had the interview at the casino and I should hear back from them in the next few days (if they decide that they want to hire me).  Even if I get that call I would still have to take a test to confirm that I have the right knowledge and attitude to be a security guard.  I'm reasonably sure that I could pass any such test, but I wonder if I should possibly fail it on purpose to avoid having my wife get upset.  What should I do?  

Employment Dilemma

Dear Employment Dilemma,

First of all, thank you for trusting me with your issue.  I know how hard it is to lose a job and try to support a family with an inadequate income.  I pray that you are able to get a stable, well-paying job soon.  This I do know: God will provide for our needs and He will take care of us even when things don't look like they are going to work out.

As for your situation with the security guard job, I realize that you don't want to upset your wife.  I'm sure that she understands that you want to provide for your family and that your present job is not meeting your needs.  However, you said that you want her and God to be happy with your decision.  Forget for a moment what you and your wife want and ask yourself what you think God wants you to do?  Accepting a job as a security guard means that even though you would not be gambling, you would be working in that environment.  Do you think that you could do that and still honor God and still maintain your Christian influence on others?  You might want to prayerfully study Romans chapter 14 and First Thessalonians 5:22 before making your decision.  In any case, I don't think that you should deliberately fail the test for this job.  You should trust God and do your best on the exam.  However, please consider that God may be testing you by allowing you to have this opportunity just to see what you decide to do.  Regardless, trust God that if having this job is not His will for you, there will be a better job for you in the future.

To share an example with you, I knew a family in which the husband was laid off from his job six times in 10 years.  When he was laid off the first time, the wife got a temporary minimum wage job and he stayed home with the children (who were 3 and 5 years old) and drew unemployment while looking for another job.  They had a modest savings account that they had to use because the wife’s income and the husband’s unemployment would not cover their bills.  Finally after months of that arrangement, their savings account balance was $0, he had received his last unemployment check, and it was the last day of her temporary job when his workplace called him and told him that he was returning to work on Monday.  That taught them a tremendous lesson that helped them to weather the next five lay-offs.  So, trust me on this—if you trust God and put Him first in your life, He will take care of you and your family.

God bless,
Aunt Dara

Landlord Won’t Do Home Repairs

Dear Aunt Dara,

My husband and I are a newlywed couple having trouble with our landlord.  We go to the same church as the landlord and his family and he seemed like a friend to my husband because they used to work together.  We moved into his rental house in June right after our marriage.  When I moved in I completely understood that this house was a fixer-upper.  I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal because I was growing up my father would do the occasional fix-up on our house and it never interfered with our everyday lives.  In other words, we never had to move out in order for our house to be finished.  I have never seen anyone work on our house like our landlord does.  He takes way too much time to finish something that should only last a day, and then takes weeks or months before coming back and working on something else.  He's also always been trying to pick on my husband for certain things.  For instance, my husband mowed the lawn and it wasn’t to the liking of any of our neighbors or the landlord.  The landlord called my husband and chewed him out so loudly that it sounded to me like the landlord was in the room with us.  My husband confronted him because we thought he owed us an apology because there was no reason for him to come unglued like that.  The landlord yelled at him again saying, "IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR AN APOLOGY, YOU'RE NOT GETTING ONE!"  After insulting the way my husband does the lawn while he was mowing it, he went on to complain about his wife and daughter, calling them horrible names.  He only does this around my husband.  He acts like the perfect example of a Christian man around me.

I've wanted to confront him for months about his treatment of us because now he's resorted to lying to us about when he's going to work on the house.  They've had some medical problems come up with their daughter, and I fully accept that he won’t do anything to the house until after the new year (no matter how many times he lies and tells us that he will get to it soon).  However, I want a schedule and absolutely NO LYING about when he's coming over.  I have no idea how I'm going to do this, but something has to be done.  I'm better at writing things than I am about saying them, because when I try to say them, I get nervous and start crying and then you can’t understand what I'm saying.

This all seemed to start when my husband and I made enough money to get ahead on our rent (which I think is way too high considering the state he's left the house in) and my husband smiled and joked and said, "I don’t owe you for 9 weeks," which is a good thing, but our landlord seemed to take it as an insult.  Now my husband rarely goes and talks to him.  If he has to talk to our landlord about anything at all, I go with him since the landlord acts so nice and Christian around me.  I now realize that hindsight is 20/20 and I should never have moved into a house that still had work to be done on it.  My husband has asked the landlord if he can help him, but our landlord flat out says no.  He yells at his wife for doing everything wrong when she tries to help him with his work, so I assume that he doesn’t think my husband would do anything right either.  Right now, we cannot afford to move out because we have had some medical expenses come up, on top of an unexpected car repair recently.  I think my husband and I are between a rock and a hard place right now.  Should we just grin and bear it or is there anything we can do to make our relationship with our landlord more bearable?

Frustrated Renter 

Dear Frustrated Renter, 

I realize that this is a constant source of stress for you and your husband, and it's unfortunate that you are starting out your first year of marriage with this situation.  I am at a loss for explaining your landlord’s behavior toward your husband.  I realize that you are having difficulty living in a home that is in disrepair and you are not seeing things fixed in a timely manner.  However, I would not recommend that your husband do any of the work on the house because the landlord has specifically told him not to.  Also, you are unlikely to be given a schedule of when the landlord will do the work because you do not own the house.  The landlord does, and he doesn’t answer to you.  As the owner of the house, the landlord has full control over any repair or remodeling that needs to be done.  That includes making decisions about what work will be completed, when to do it, and how long to take doing it.  He could choose to do nothing!  If he feels that he is being pressured to complete the work, he might take even longer doing the work and not show up on the days he has promised to be there.  Therefore, I do not recommend any confrontations, written or otherwise, from you or your husband, but I do have three recommendations for you that should help to make the situation more bearable. 

My first recommendation is that you plan to move as soon as you can.  Did you and your husband sign a lease?  If so, you are obligated to remain in the house until the lease expires.  If not, you can move whenever you are able to afford it.  I don’t recommend making any more advance payments on your rent.  If you have extra money, set it aside in a bank account to use for your future moving expenses.   

Secondly, find a way to accept living in this house until you are able to move.  You have been living in it since June, so it must be in livable condition (to a degree).  How does the current condition of the house affect your everyday life?  How does living in the house affect your husband?  How does it affect your relationship with your husband?  What adjustments have you been making to be able to stay in the house for the past few months?  Then, keep telling yourself that you can tolerate anything as long as it’s temporary (II Corinthians 4:17-18).  However, anything that might be a safety risk, such as a missing stair banister, should be repaired as soon as possible.  So, ask the landlord (nicely) to fix that first whenever he has the time. 

Lastly, find a way to love and forgive your landlord.  If you don’t, your feelings toward your landlord will interfere with your ability to worship (Matthew 5:23-24) and will harm your relationship with God (I John 4:20-21).  Don’t focus on your landlord’s faults or be judgmental.  Instead, pray that God will bless your landlord and then find something good to do for his family.  When you speak to your landlord, avoid confrontations and don’t bring up the work that still needs to be done on the house (Ephesians 4:31-32, Proverbs 15:1, and Romans 12:18).  And when you pray, remember to thank God that you have a house to live in.  Many people in the world do not.

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Boyfriend is Impatient with His Mother

Dear Aunt Dara,

I've always heard people say to watch how a man treats his mother, because that is how he will someday treat his wife. Well, I've been with my boyfriend for a year, we are both Christians, ages 21 and 24, and we plan on getting married in a year or two. We are very happy together and I look up to him for many things, spiritual and otherwise, but I do have a concern about how he treats his mom. He is pretty impatient with her, jokes with her in a demeaning way, and I feel like he makes her feel dumb for the things she doesn't know, such as modern technology. I know she feels like she can't do anything right by him because she has said so outright. Once in a while I feel a tinge of the same treatment from my boyfriend, but whenever I ask him about it, he explains he never means to put me down and he just didn't realize how his words or tone of voice came across, and I believe him and can tell he loves me dearly. I have talked to my boyfriend about his treatment of his mom maybe 4 or 5 times, only once or twice in depth, and he's explained to me that he knows he needs to be more patient and treat her more kindly, but the things she does really irritates him, and some of the things she says seem demeaning to him. In my boyfriend's defense, I will admit that some of his mother's quirks can be annoying sometimes, and since my own mother has similar traits, and I have responded at times in a similar way as my boyfriend does with his mom, I know how hard it can be. I know my boyfriend wants to treat everyone with the love of Christ and become more like Him everyday, but I still wonder if this is something to be concerned about for our future. I am a very sensitive person sometimes and I know I couldn't handle receiving that kind of treatment on a regular basis. We have both agreed to do premarital counseling, and I'm thinking that should help but I also know that I can't count on another person changing, since only the other person has control over that. Should I be concerned?

Concerned Girlfriend

Dear Concerned Girlfriend, 

I see a lot of positive things in your letter.  Both you and your boyfriend are Christians and want to please God and grow spiritually.  You have been together for a year, you are not rushing to get married anytime soon, and the two of you will be participating in premarital counseling before you marry.  Your letter makes it obvious that you love each other and have a good relationship.  You are able to talk to each other on an intimate level and be honest with each other about your feelings, motives, and needs.  You have a lot of good things upon which to build your lives together and I pray for blessings for you both. 

However, you are concerned about how your boyfriend speaks to his mother and how he sometimes talks to you, and you fear that he may continue to act this way in the future.  Here are some things to consider.  Does he ever speak to anyone else in a demeaning way?  Did he ever see his father or any other man speak to his mother in a demeaning way?  If so, this may be a learned behavior.  (The positive news is that anything that is learned can be unlearned.)  When you have talked to him about his communication, he says that he is not aware of how his messages are being received and he says he doesn’t mean to be hurtful.  That’s probably true, but you have talked to him enough times for him to realize that he needs to be more sensitive to the feelings of others.  Did he seem to be sorry for hurting his mother or you?  Was there any improvement in how he talks to his mother or you, if even for a short time, after each time that you talked to him?  I ask these things because (1) it seems that he is making excuses when he says he didn’t know how his words and tone of voice came across, (2) it seems he is not accepting full responsibility for his behavior by blaming it on his mother’s annoying, irritating quirks, and (3) it seems he is trying to justify himself by saying that she says demeaning to him sometimes. 

So, what I see that is of concern is his lack of respect for his mother and girlfriend, and he is defending himself by trying to excuse and justify his behavior.  However, he does acknowledge that he needs to be more patient and kind, and you say he wants to treat everyone with the love of Christ and become more Christ-like.  So, there is hope.  It’s true that you can’t count on another person changing, but you can count on God, and God can change people.  I suggest that you and your boyfriend have some in-depth, regular Bible study and prayer focusing on Galatians 5: 22-23 and II Peter 1: 5-8.  The object of this study should be for the spiritual growth of both of you (so he doesn’t feel as if you are trying to “fix” him).  In the meantime, whenever he slips and says something hurtful, model the fruit of the Spirit to him in your response by acting and speaking kindly and lovingly to him. 

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Boyfriend is Addicted to Computer Games

Dear Aunt Dara,

My boyfriend of almost 2.5 years has decided to quit college for the semester.  He's 20 and I'm 19.  He says he's been going to school his whole life and that he needs a breather.  Why should he stop while everyone else (including me, the woman in his life) is working to finish school?  He's addicted to computer games and I think it's a way for him to just play all day long.  I can't live with his addiction.  I want him to go back to school and to limit his game-playing, but he just doesn't care about how I feel and he says I'm manipulating him.  No, I'm just setting standards. (Right?)  He says it's his life, but if I'm part of his life, don't my opinions matter?  I want us to secure a future for our family-to-be.  (We have plans to marry after school—if he ever finishes).  How do I deal with his laziness and seemingly awful decisions?

Sincerely,
Constant Sigher

Dear Constant Sigher,

It sounds as if you are frustrated with your boyfriend and a little resentful toward him.  You are right to be concerned about his decisions and his behavior.  However, he is right in saying that it is his life and his decision.  You cannot change him.  He has to want to change. 

First of all, let’s examine his compulsive behavior.  God is very much interested in how we spend our time and the things that we make a priority.  Our relationship with God and our relationships with others should be our priority (Mark 12:28-31, Ecclesiastes 12:13, Micah 6:8).  Furthermore, God is not pleased with laziness.  He wants us to engage in productive activity and use our time to accomplish something (Proverbs 19:15, I Thessalonians 4:11, Ephesians 4:28, II Thessalonians 3:10-13).  While there is nothing wrong with leisure activities, God is not pleased when computer games, video games, social media, sports, television (and such like) consume our time, hindering our relationships with God and others or preventing us from engaging in productive activity.

Next, let’s consider his decision to take a semester off.  It’s not uncommon for college students to “take a breather,” as he put it.  However, there are concerns.  Will he go back to school after he takes a brief time off?  The danger is that he won’t finish school, and then were will you be in building a secure future for your family-to-be?  Next, what will he be doing during his time off?  Will he be doing something productive, such as getting a job or perhaps doing some volunteer work, or will he be wasting time playing computer games, as you suspect?  His break from classes will be a test for you to see if he spends his time productively, or if he wastes it.  So, my advice to you is to stand back and let him do what he wants.  That will show you if he is mature enough to take on adult responsibilities.  If he ends up wasting his time, you will have some decisions to make.

Anyone who is contemplating marriage should ask themselves three questions:

1. Is this the type of person with whom I could live happily for the rest of my life?
2. Is this the type of person who I would want to be the father of my children?
3. Is this the type of person who will exemplify Christ and be a godly influence on our children and myself?

If the answer to any one of those questions is, “No,” then you should seriously reconsider your decision to marry this person.  Remember, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  The things he does before marriage will be the things he does while married.  If he thinks that he may lose you, he might promise that he will change his behavior.  However, unless followed by long-term, demonstrated changed behavior, promises are nothing more than empty words designed to manipulate you.  Don’t let that happen.  Keep your standards high.

God bless,

Aunt Dara