Is it a Sin to Use Birth Control?

Dear Aunt Dara,

I searched “Christian advice” on Facebook and your Facebook account came up. I need some Christian advice! We just had a baby 6 weeks ago and we'd like more, not right away but in about 6 months to a year.  The doctor said not to get pregnant for 18 months after giving birth, but that seems very excessive. Would going on birth control be considered a sin?  We are very financially stable, own our own home, have savings and are both in good health but I worry what if I get pregnant straight away as we had baby Alison first try (seriously).  It isn't in our life plan to have a small family and I need to hurry up as I have a family history of early menopause and I’d hate to assume I had more time then realize I don't.  So if I go on birth control for 6 months, would that be a sin or should we just ditch birth control and see what the Lord wishes us to do?

New Mom

Dear New Mom,

Congratulations on the birth of Alison!  I pray that God will bless you and your family, however many or few children that He gives you.  There are a few things that you didn’t mention that might have some bearing on the decision that you make regarding when to have your next child.  You didn’t say how many children you would like to have, how old you are now, and at what age the women in your family typically achieve menopause.  These things should certainly be a factor in spacing your pregnancies.  You also did not mention the reason or reasons that your doctor advised you to wait 18 months before becoming pregnant again?  Is this just your doctor’s standard advice for his patients, or do you have particular health concerns that the doctor thought might worsen if you become pregnant again too soon? 

You asked if it would be a sin to go on birth control for 6 months.  Christians have differing views on birth control.  Some Christians believe that using artificial means of birth control is a sin, and others do not.  If you are a member of a particular church, what does your church teach regarding birth control?  If you are unsure, I encourage you to ask one of your church leaders.  What are your personal beliefs regarding birth control?  Do you think that using birth control is a sin?  That you are asking this question is evidence that you have doubts about God’s approval of birth control.  Whatever you do, do not violate your conscience.  Romans 14:23 tells us that if we have doubts regarding if something is permissible, but yet go ahead and do it anyway, we are sinning.  

You have a lot of serious things to consider.  Pray about this matter thoroughly and then apply wisdom to make your decision based on what you believe God wants you to do.  If you choose to follow your doctor’s advice by waiting, but you believe that using artificial birth control would violate your conscience or displease God, ask your doctor to instruct you on natural means of birth control. 

God bless,

Aunt Dara

Teased and Tormented at Work

Dear Aunt Dara

My coworkers at the plant where I work have been tormenting me ever since they discovered that I am a Christian and I do not participate in the things that they like to do.  They drink, smoke, cuss up a storm, and cheat on their wives.  They tease me because I do not go out to drink with them after work.  They think that my commitment to my wife is old-fashioned.  They never seem to miss an opportunity to mock me because I do not use the same foul language that they do.  They think I’m crazy because I don’t buy lottery tickets when the jackpot gets high.  I always seem to be the butt of their jokes, and it’s starting to really bother me.  I’ve been praying and trying my best to find another job.  So far I have had interviews at seven different places in the last year, but just when it seems promising that I’ll get hired, something happens at the last minute and the position either gets eliminated or there’s a hiring freeze.  I’m not happy being stuck where I am.  What more can I do?  What does God expect of me?  Why doesn’t He answer my prayer for another job?

Christian Husband and Father

Dear Christian Husband and Father,

What can you do?  You can praise God that you have been placed in a position where you are able to be salt and light to people who are living in darkness—people who need to know the love and grace of our Lord Jesus Christ!  Someday, one or more of your coworkers will be hurting and in need of God’s love and forgiveness.  When that happens, they will remember you and will seek the inner peace and freedom in Christ that you have demonstrated to them.  Make no mistake.  They are watching you closely.  You have what they want and need.  They just don’t fully realize it yet.  Their teasing and tormenting you indicates that they know that their lifestyle is wrong.  Therefore, they make you the object of jokes to reduce their own sense of guilt and to soothe their conscience.  Plus, they are participating in a pack mentality that gives them the boldness to attack you with the support of their allies.  Remember, however, that Jesus said that we would have trouble in this life (John 16:33) and that we would be persecuted (John 15: 20).  Jesus also said, “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake.  Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you” (Matthew 5:10-12).  The Apostle Peter wrote, “But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God” (I Peter 2:20).

I know that you would like to get another job, and perhaps someday you will.  In the meantime, however, trust that you are just where God wants you to be at this time and pray that God will help you to patiently endure the hurtful things that your coworkers say.

God Bless,

Aunt Dara

Marriage Seems Over Before it has Started

Dear Aunt Dara

I was married in November 2011.  I did not realize we had sexual problems until December 2011.  I have    discovered my husband is not forthcoming when it comes to sex.  I think if he had it his way he could have it once a week, but I want sex every day or once every two days.  It now looks like I am a sex maniac in my own head.

                          

I am upset almost every evening and it is now starting to affect the way I think of him, act around him and talk to him.  I am moody and I am not the happy wife you would expect to see a few months into her marriage.

To this day I haven’t slept with my husband in a week; I am more frustrated because he acts like nothing is wrong.  I have thought about cheating but I cannot - I feel guilty before God.  I have also thought about masturbating but I just can’t do it - what will God think of me?  I have spoken to him more than three times.  It changes for a day or two then we back to square one.  I am tired of talking, Aunt Dara, and I have all these feelings bottled up.  Who do I tell?  How will people look at me?

This has begun to also affect the way that I think.  I think I am too fat so maybe he is no longer attracted to me.  I think it has something to do with his health.  He is obese too and asthmatic.  Maybe it’s his health that is affecting this part of his life.  I think he has other priorities like his job.  My husband can work so hard the minute he walks into the bedroom he is flat out and he sleeps till the next day.

Is sex not necessary in marriage?  Am I really a sex maniac for wanting to sleep with my husband at least 4 times a week?  What should I do?  I feel my marriage is slowly breaking down.  I need help to deal with this before we both ruin our marriage.  I love my husband, so much - and that is why I married him – but he is slowly destroying me.

Confused and Heartbroken Wife

Dear Confused and Heartbroken Wife,

I have delayed in answering your letter these few days because your problem, though a common one, is complex and the ramifications of giving inaccurate or inappropriate advice could be harmful to your marriage, to your relationship with God, and to your self-esteem.  I have spent days in prayer that God will assist me in being sensitive to your needs, to say the things that you need to hear, and that your heart will be receptive to the things that I have to say.  I realize that some of the things that I am about to say may be hard for you to hear, but I feel strongly led to share them.  I also realize that my reply to you will be far longer than is typical of my replies.  I ask that you read with an open heart, keeping your love for God and your love for your husband in mind.  I also ask that you trust me in what I’m about to say because I speak as a Christian wife, mother, and grandmother who has been happily married for 38 years.

First of all, I congratulate you and your husband on your new marriage.  I pray that the two of you will have many, blessed years together.  Marriage is a wonderful gift from God, as is the sexual relationship between a husband and wife.  However, as important as sex is in a marriage, it is not the most important thing.  The most important thing about marriage is the bond that you form with each other as you become one—not just physically, but as a spiritual union—one in the sight of God and man, one in purpose, in plan, in life-direction, and in service to God.  Some of the things that you say in your letter, including the title that you chose for your letter (that your marriage seems to be over before it has started), indicate that you may have some misplaced priorities and unrealistic expectations about marriage, about your husband, and about the place of sex in marriage.  Physical intimacy in marriage is not about having one’s sexual tension satisfied, nor is it about one person satisfying the sexual tension that has built up in the other.  Sex is about sharing love, affection, and intimacy through the ultimate bonding of two physical beings.  I commend you for wanting to do the right thing regarding your sexual needs, and you are correct in not doing anything that would displease God or violate your conscience.  However, you need to look at the sexual relationship in your marriage from all angles and put sex in its rightful place.

Sexuality is a natural, God-given human desire.  However, sexual desire varies greatly from person to person, and even varies in the same individual over time.  It is perfectly normal to want sex four times per week.  (You are not a sex maniac; you are normal.)  It is also normal to desire sex once per week.  (Yes, your husband is normal, too.)  You and your husband just happen to have a disparity in your current sexual needs.  (Notice I said “current.”  Sexual needs change over time.)  I doubt that your weight has anything to do with your husband’s not wanting sex as often as you do.  If your weight was an issue for him, he would not have married you.  Sexual desire can be affected by various factors, including one’s age, physical condition, health, hormones, stress level and energy level, among other things.  Certain medications also have a side effect of decreased libido. 

Sexual desire is particularly affected by what happens outside the bedroom.  In other words, when you have a negative attitude or negative thoughts toward your husband, when you become frustrated, unhappy and moody, he is less likely to feel amorous toward you.  Do not harbor negative thoughts in your heart about your husband.  God is not pleased when we have negative thoughts toward our husbands, when we complain about them, blame them or nag them (Eph. 5:33), and nothing will kill romance faster.  When you tell him repeatedly that you want sex more often, he may feel as if he is being nagged and pressured.  He may even wonder if you love him for him, or if you just want his body so he can satisfy you.  Nobody likes to feel pressured, and nobody wants their spouse to view them as a sex object.  The way that you think, behave, and speak to him will affect his response to you.  If you want to spark your husband’s desire, then what he needs from you is selfless and unconditional love, understanding, patience, forgiveness, kindness, consideration, appreciation, admiration, and affection.  Show him that you love him by preferring him above all others, spending time with him, talking with him, doing things together, looking for ways to help him, serving his favorite foods, etc.  Show him that you love him by giving him affection without the pressure to have sex.  Hug him.  Hold hands.  Stoke his arm or leg.  When you sit side-by-side, lean against his body.  Kiss lovingly and often.  Smile when you look at him with the sparkle of love in your eyes.  Tell him daily, at least once a day, that you love him.  Then, watch how he responds.

Be sure to pray, asking God to help you to have a loving attitude toward your husband, to have the right priorities in your marriage, and to have a more balanced view of sex.  Pray that God will bring your sexual needs and your husband’s sexual needs more in line with each other so that both of you will be content with the frequency of sex in your marriage.

Finally, I would like to leave you with this thought:  When my husband and I were married in 1973, the minister who performed the ceremony told us that he had married 197 couples, and only four of those marriages had ended in divorce as far as he knew.  He said that he told all of them the same thing that he was about to tell us.  I now pass on this old gospel preacher’s wisdom.  He said that the marriage vows that we were about to take were not really vows to each other, but rather we were pledging vows to God.  Then he read Proverbs 15:1 (you can look it up).  He said if both of us remember those two things, we would have a successful marriage.  I pray the same for you.

God Bless,

Aunt Dara

Ex-Husband Neglects His Children

Dear Aunt Dara,

Two years ago, my husband told me that he was in love with another woman and he moved out, leaving me and our three children (two boys, who are now age 13 and 11, and a girl who is now 6 years old).  My ex is now married to the other woman and has legally adopted her 12-yr-old son.  He says he is happy with this new family and he seems to spend a lot of time with his newly adopted son.  However, he totally neglects his own children.  He doesn’t call the children, not even on their birthdays!  He rarely visits them, and when he does he acts like it’s a chore that he has to get out of the way so I’ll get off his back.  At Christmas he stopped by briefly to drop off a small gift for each child, but wouldn’t come in the house.  Our little girl was heartbroken and she cried all evening, but the boys just got mad.  The boys say they hate their father and they don’t want anything to do with him anymore, but our daughter still cries every night and asks why her daddy doesn’t love her anymore.  What can I say to my little girl when she cries for her daddy, and how can I get my sons to not hate their father?  How can a man be happy with another man’s child and not want to spend time with his own children?   

Puzzled and Angry at Ex-Husband

Dear Puzzled and Angry,

Not being familiar with the situation except for the clues in your letter, I don’t feel comfortable speculating about your ex-husband’s possible motives or how he could be happy with someone else’s child while neglecting his own.  Honestly, I don’t know how a man can be happy with another man’s child and not want to spend time with his own children.  My gut feeling is that he is not as happy as he says he is, and that he is struggling with guilt at having left his family. 

Here are my suggestions on possible ways to manage the situation while minimizing the pain that you and your children are experiencing.  First of all, you indicated that you think that your ex-husband views time spent with the children as a chore, and it will get you “off his back.”  That tells me that you have repeatedly asked him to spend more time with the children.  If so, then he may think that you are nagging him and he may feel pressured and resentful.  I suggest that you not say anything else to him about calling or visiting the children.  I also suggest that you not say anything negative to him or about him, especially in front of your children.  Your children should hear you say only positive things about their father. 

You also said that you and your sons are angry.  You are the example that your children see.  Anger is the natural response when your sons see that you are angry.  (Please refer to my posting on Sept. 10, 2011 on how to let go of anger.)  When your boys say that they hate their father and they don’t want to have anything to do with him, let them know that you understand how they feel, but avoid saying anything negative about their father.  Furthermore, don’t tell your sons that they shouldn’t feel the way they do about their father.  Instead, just let your sons vent, listening actively and affirming their feelings.  Then follow this conversation with a prayer for God to fill your hearts with love and forgiveness and pray that God will bless their father.  As you work to get over your anger, so too will they.

Your daughter needs to be assured that her father does love her, and that he loves her very much.  Also assure her that his not being with the family is not her fault.  (This is also a good time to assure her that God loves her very much and God is always with her.)  When she cries for her father, encourage her to name something that she likes about him and to share the good memories that she has of him.  Write a list of the things that she identifies.  Ask her to identify ways that she can share some of the things on the list with her daddy.  Perhaps she could make up a song about him, a story about him, write him a letter, draw a picture, send a card, etc.  Let her call him and talk to him, without your saying anything to him.  Make sure your sons know what your daughter is doing, and let them know that it is okay for them to express their thoughts also, when they are ready.

Finally, I am so sorry that your family is suffering such heartache and grief.  Please know that I am praying for you and your children. 

God Bless,

Aunt Dara

Mother Violates Privacy

Dear Aunt Dara,

When I was in the hospital for four days in October, I gave a copy of my house key to my mother so she could feed my cat and change the litter box.  When I returned home, I thought that it might be a good idea for her to keep the key in case there is an emergency.  However, whenever she comes over she has been using the key to let herself inside.  I have told her that I don’t like for her to let herself in and that the key is to be used only for emergencies, but she hasn’t stopped letting herself in.  Yesterday she let herself in while I was in the shower, and it nearly scared me to death when I realized someone was in my house and I was in the shower!  When I told her that the key was just for emergencies, she said she thought it was an emergency because I didn’t answer the door.  Had I been expecting company, I would not have been in the shower, but she never calls before she comes over.  I don’t know how to get her to stop coming in on me like that without hurting her feelings.  My friend suggested that I tell her to give the key back and change the lock if she doesn’t.  I don’t want to do that because I think it would be disrespectful.  What should I do?

No Privacy in Montana

Dear No Privacy,

You should pray that God will guide you in doing the right thing, then give this situation some prayerful thought.  Have you had any past experiences with your mother that were similar to this one?  If so, how did you resolve them?  Based on your letter, it appears that you have tried to set a boundary with her regarding the use of the key.  Have you given her specific examples of what may constitute an emergency?  Does she know how many minutes to give you to answer the door before she comes in?  Does she know that you would appreciate a call from her before she comes over so that you will be expecting her?  Make sure that she understands all these things, and you should be very specific about your wishes.

If you have explained all these things to her and she still has not changed her behavior, that’s another issue.  Does your mother typically understand your feelings and honor your wishes?  Does she understand how much her behavior bothers you?  Does she understand how frightened you were when she came into your home when you were in the shower?  Try to explain to her how this affects you by saying something similar to this: “Mom, I really appreciate your looking out for me and being concerned about me.  I felt scared to death, though, when you let yourself in while I was in the shower because I thought an intruder was in the house.  I would like for you to call me before you come over so that never happens again.”  (This is an example of assertive communication, and it is not disrespectful to use assertive communication with a parent.)  If your mother continues to disregard your wishes and continues to use the key inappropriately, you have the right to tell her to return the key.  However, I do not recommend that you change the lock if she refuses to give the key back.  Changing the lock would be harmful to the relationship because it would be passive-aggressive, contrary to the love of Christ, and would show dishonor to your parent.

God bless,

Aunt Dara 

Girlfriend Has Wandering Eye

Dear Aunt Dara,

I have been with a girl several months now, and she is very special to me.  We only see each other on weekends, and my problem is her wandering eye.  She feels a need to comment on the attractiveness of celebrities, talking about how cute they are, how great their bodies are, etc.  Anyway, this makes me very uncomfortable to say the least.  She says that it is no big deal because “she doesn’t have a shot with them” and they’re not regular people.  It’s probably my low self-esteem or something, but do you think this is okay?

Insecure in Louisville

Dear Insecure in Louisville,

It’s understandable that you feel uncomfortable when your girlfriend makes these comments.  Not many “regular” people can measure up to the ones that we see in movies, television, music videos, and magazines.  It seems that you have tried to address this with her, but she does not appear to understand why her comments bother you.  She seems to be trying to reassure you that you need not feel threatened by her comments.  However, does she know that her comments make you feel insecure?  If she understands that you feel uncomfortable, insecure, or whatever else (perhaps hurt or inadequate), she may be able to recognize that her comments are a big deal to you and she might stop saying such things about other guys. 

My guess is that you would like to have her assurance that she finds you attractive.  Few things attract a girl more than a guy who cares about her and treats her well.  So, what can you do to be more attractive to her?  Show her that you care.  Keep doing the things that you are doing to show her that she is very special to you.  Tell her how attractive you think she is, and she might return your compliments.  Remember, those celebrities are just images on paper or a flickering screen.  You are the living, breathing person in front of her.  She can hear your voice and touch you.  No picture can compete with that.

If I may, I’d like to say something regarding your low self-esteem, which you recognize may be contributing to your feeling uncomfortable with these comments.  The Apostle Paul said that we should not regard anyone from a worldly point of view (II Corinthians 5:16).  That includes ourselves.  From a worldly point of view, we see our faults and our inadequacies, and then we tend to feel bad about ourselves.  However, our worth is not determined by our physical appearance, our age, our gender, our race, our intelligence, our education, our socioeconomic status, or our behavior.  From God’s point of view, our worth comes from being a part of the human race, made in the image of God (Genesis 1:26-27) and declared “very good” by our Creator (Genesis 1:31).  Psalm 8 tells us how God feels about His human creation, and Psalm 139:1-18 tells us how God values us individually.  We have been wonderfully made and God knew us before we were born.  He fashioned us into how He wanted us to be (Isaiah 64:8) and His works are marvelous.  You are so valuable to God that Jesus died for you (John 3:16, Galatians 2:20), and God sees the righteousness of Christ when He looks at you (II Corinthians 5:21).  God has adopted you as His son through Christ (Ephesians 1:5), and God loves His children more than anyone will ever be able to comprehend.  Every human life is valuable.  That includes you.

God bless,

Aunt Dara 

Is it Too Soon to Remarry?

After 27 years of marriage, my husband passed away unexpectedly in January when he had a heart attack at work.  Three months ago I started dating Ronnie, my high school sweetheart, whose wife passed away two years ago.  Although I loved my husband very much, Ronnie and I are in love and we believe that God has blessed us by bringing us together again.  We plan on being married at the end of November.  We have reserved the church and we have been participating in premarital counseling with my pastor.  Our parents and our five adult children (three are mine, two are Ronnie’s) approve of our relationship and are happy about the marriage.  My daughter is excited about the wedding and is helping with the arrangements, and my mother has been sewing the bridesmaids’ dresses.  However, my brother refuses to accept Ronnie and he says he will not be attending the wedding.  My brother and I have always been close, and I am hurt that he refuses to acknowledge my fiancé and will not participate in celebrating our marriage.  He thinks I should still be grieving.  As far as I know, the Bible doesn’t say anything about how long the mourning period should be, does it?  He says if I had truly loved my husband I would not even consider being with anyone else this soon after his death.  I do still grieve for my husband, but Ronnie has helped me to understand that God wants us to find comfort in our loss and hope for our future.  Furthermore, my brother said that getting married less than a year after my husband’s death is unacceptable and he believes I am making a huge mistake.  When I ask him why he thinks I am making a mistake, he just keeps repeating, “It’s too soon.”  Our mother has tried to talk to him, but he just won’t listen.  How do I get him to change his mind and be happy for me?  

The Widow Bride 

Dear Bride,

I am glad that you are finding comfort in your loss and I wish you and Ronnie a long and happy life together.  It’s regrettable that your brother currently does not wish you the same.  Family relationships can be very complicated.  Unfortunately, I don’t have all the answers, but I can offer some suggestions.  You are correct in that the Bible does not say how long the mourning period should be.  Each culture, social system, and religion has its own customs and rituals regarding how long the mourning period should last and which behaviors are acceptable during mourning.  Furthermore, these customs tend to evolve over time.   When a time period is mentioned in scripture, it tends to be short and related to the cultural customs involved at the time.  For example, Genesis 50:1-14 tells us that the Egyptians mourned Jacob’s death for 70 days.  Afterward, Joseph took Jacob’s body to the land of Canaan where they mourned an additional seven days before burial.  The mourning period for ancient Israel appeared to be 30 days, as was the case for Aaron (Numbers 20: 29) and Moses (Deuteronomy 34:8).  It would appear that these were official periods of mourning.  Individual mourning is personal and unique.  Each person grieves in their own way in their own time, and there is no set time.  Genesis 37:34 simply says that Jacob, when he believed that his son Joseph was dead, mourned “many days.”  Ephraim also mourned his sons “many days” (I Chronicles 7:22).  The Bible does not tell us how long these fathers mourned, nor should anyone determine for you how long you should mourn. 

It would appear that your brother believes that you have violated your culture’s norms.  It would also appear that the rest of your family and your pastor do not think that you have violated your culture’s norms, or if you have, it is irrelevant.  Since your mother has already attempted to persuade your brother to accept your upcoming marriage, perhaps your pastor might be willing to speak to him.  However, you should try to understand your brother’s point of view.  His objection may go beyond his concern about violating cultural norms.  There could be a many reasons why your brother objects to the marriage beyond his belief that it’s too soon.  If your brother had a close relationship with your husband, your brother may still be grieving the loss of his brother-in-law or having difficulty accepting Ronnie as a “replacement.”  Also, since Ronnie was your high school sweetheart, your brother probably knew him then.  How did they get along back then?  Your brother may share his concerns with you if he believes you will be receptive.  However, your brother will be less likely to be open with you if he feels as if he is being pressured.  Instead of trying to persuade him to change his mind, it would be best to acknowledge his concern and let him know that you value and respect his opinion, whatever that may be.  Regardless, this is your decision to make and you should do what you believe God would have you to do.  In time, perhaps your brother might accept your new marriage. 

God bless,

Aunt Dara