My dad died a few years ago from complications following surgery for lung cancer. He had been a heart patient for over 20 years with a history of a heart attack, bypass surgery, and congestive heart failure. My parents would monitor my dad's medication and diet like a hawk. However, they both smoked heavily. I once told her she should let dad eat whatever he wants and make him quit smoking instead. I raised you-know-what about smoking to no avail, and he got lung cancer. My mother has always felt guilty about getting dad to have the surgery rather than just letting the cancer take its course. My position has always been that if there was a chance, you take it. I don't regret the operation. She blames the hospital and the doctors for his death, and she brings it up whenever I visit. I tell my mom that I wish she and dad had made a different decision about smoking.
My mom attaches some weird nobility to smoking. She says she may smoke, but she's not a drunk or a "drug addict" that loses control. She says she is not like a diabetic we knew who died from not staying on her diet. She says she never killed anyone in her car from smoking. It’s as if Big Tobacco should hire my mom to head their public relations. Also, smoking has always been some kind of rebellion for her—against whom or what I don't know. But she says "they" are not going to stop her from smoking.
Why does my mom get so angry when I go directly to the source of dad’s cancer and I don't question the surgery or blame the hospital? She's the one who keeps bringing it up about the surgery.
Worried Son
Dear Worried Son,
Hopefully, I can shed some light on what may be motivating
your mother’s reactions. Deep down
inside, she may know that you are right, but she will never admit it because
that would mean that she would be partly to blame for your father’s illness and
death. She is dealing with a tremendous
burden of unresolved grief, as evidenced by her continuing to talk about the surgery
and blame the doctors and the hospital for his death. In reality, the decision to proceed with the
surgery was no doubt a joint decision that also involved your dad’s
wishes. Everyone involved made the best
decision that they could with the information that they had at the time, hoping
to extend your father’s life. However,
nobody could have predicted the future and there are risks involved in every
surgery. Blaming the doctors and the
hospital will not help your mother to better manage her grief and will only
keep her anger alive. The best you can
do when she mentions the surgery again is to simply say something like, “I miss
him too, Mom,” and just leave it at that.
No need to discuss anything about who or what was to blame. If she continues to talk about the surgery,
just say, “We thought it would help,” and then change the subject by sharing
some happy memories of your dad.
I suspect that your mother gets angry when you bring up
smoking because it appears that you are blaming your dad’s death on smoking,
and you believe that part of the blame for that lies with her. She perceives that as a personal attack. The message is that she should have stopped
him from smoking instead of contributing to it.
Unfortunately, nicotine is highly addictive and no amount of lecturing
on the dangers of smoking will make a person stop smoking. A smoker must be self-motivated to quit. Lecturing also tends to backfire by causing
the person to continue to smoke. Most of
us resent being told what to do, and so we do the opposite to prove that we
have the freedom to do whatever we please.
Whether it’s smoking, drinking, unhealthy eating habits, or not wearing
a seat belt, we don’t like being told what to do or what not to do. This is especially true when a child tells the
parent what they should do. In a
parent’s mind, the thoughts are, “I brought you into this world. I raised you.
So, you don’t have the right to tell me how to live my life.” The best you can do about your mother is to
stop telling her that she should quit smoking and stop mentioning that your dad
would probably still be alive today if he had quit smoking. Just pray that she will develop the desire to
quit smoking before it’s too late for her, too.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
