I recently celebrated
my 25th wedding anniversary. I planned a weekend out of
town. My husband has never been much for romance and I'm an old romantic
soul at heart. He is a kind man, hardworking and honest. He loves me and we both love the Lord.
For these past years I've tried to be the romantic one and hoped that would
satisfy my need. It did not. I've talked with my husband about how
I feel and the need I have to be pursued by him. I don't think he thinks
it's that big of a deal. But to me, it is getting more and more
painful. I need assurance with affection and attention. Without it and then ignoring what I've asked,
it hurts. And I'm not talking romance
every day. Just sharing life together
and intentionally loving one another. I've prayed to God to remove this
need from me. He has not. My passion for people and for life is who
I am. As I suppress it, for so long
now, I'm losing me. I'm not truly
happy. I'm ignoring myself and it
shows. I hate what I see in the mirror. I do not see good choices before me. I
know my hope is in the Lord and that His love never fails, and for that I have
a peace and a joy. But my heart literally aches to not have my husband's love I
so desire. Thoughts for me??
Yearning for Romance
Dear Yearning,
Congratulations on your 25th anniversary.
That's a long time to be married. Your love for each other and for God
are evidence that your husband and you have a solid base for your marriage. However, I can sense the emotional pain that
you must be feeling from the things that you expressed. It appears that
your husband does not share your deep need for romantic love. He may not have
been brought up by parents who were demonstrative in their affection and
romance, and he may interpret love in ways that are more practical.
There are actually various ways that a person may demonstrate love. A person may express love with words, either spoken or written, such as love letters, notes, poetry, love songs, or cards. Love may be expressed by giving gifts, which may be any number of things small or large, or things that we tend to think of as more romantic, such as flowers, candy, jewelry, or a date night. And of course love may be expressed by physical affection, such as hugging, kissing, holding hands. Women thrive on these expressions of romantic love. Men generally know this and are more likely to do these things before marriage. After marriage, some men tend to think of these romantic expressions of love as non-essentials. For them, courtship ends at the altar. Why pursue what they already have?
Love can also be expressed in more practical ways. Men tend to give more practical gifts that serve a purpose. These could be small things that are needed for the household. Even providing a home and transportation for the family are expressions of his love for his family. Men also tend to express love though acts of service. Some examples of acts of service include working to earn money to provide for their family (this is a big one for men), maintaining vehicles, making household repairs, doing yard work or assisting with housework, laundry or cooking. A man may also express love by spending time with you and doing things with you. If a man spends his time building something for you that he knows you will like and use, he has demonstrated his love for you because he thought enough about you to invest his time and work.
Although most men prefer to express love in more practical ways, that doesn't mean that they love us any less than we love them. In fact, studies have shown that men tend to be more attached to the women they love than women are to the men they love. Men tend feel more emotional pain than do women whenever a couple separates or divorces. No doubt your husband loves you because you said that he is a kind man who is hardworking, honest, and he loves you and loves the Lord. So look for his expressions of love each day and appreciate the ways that he demonstrates his love. Respect him and be sure to tell him that you appreciate him, you are proud of him, and you are thankful that you married him. Men love that. Who knows? He may take you out for a romantic date night.
There are actually various ways that a person may demonstrate love. A person may express love with words, either spoken or written, such as love letters, notes, poetry, love songs, or cards. Love may be expressed by giving gifts, which may be any number of things small or large, or things that we tend to think of as more romantic, such as flowers, candy, jewelry, or a date night. And of course love may be expressed by physical affection, such as hugging, kissing, holding hands. Women thrive on these expressions of romantic love. Men generally know this and are more likely to do these things before marriage. After marriage, some men tend to think of these romantic expressions of love as non-essentials. For them, courtship ends at the altar. Why pursue what they already have?
Love can also be expressed in more practical ways. Men tend to give more practical gifts that serve a purpose. These could be small things that are needed for the household. Even providing a home and transportation for the family are expressions of his love for his family. Men also tend to express love though acts of service. Some examples of acts of service include working to earn money to provide for their family (this is a big one for men), maintaining vehicles, making household repairs, doing yard work or assisting with housework, laundry or cooking. A man may also express love by spending time with you and doing things with you. If a man spends his time building something for you that he knows you will like and use, he has demonstrated his love for you because he thought enough about you to invest his time and work.
Although most men prefer to express love in more practical ways, that doesn't mean that they love us any less than we love them. In fact, studies have shown that men tend to be more attached to the women they love than women are to the men they love. Men tend feel more emotional pain than do women whenever a couple separates or divorces. No doubt your husband loves you because you said that he is a kind man who is hardworking, honest, and he loves you and loves the Lord. So look for his expressions of love each day and appreciate the ways that he demonstrates his love. Respect him and be sure to tell him that you appreciate him, you are proud of him, and you are thankful that you married him. Men love that. Who knows? He may take you out for a romantic date night.
Finally, here are a couple of suggestions that should make a
difference in your outlook if you follow them:
1.
Instead of thinking about what he isn’t doing to make
you feel loved, think about what you can do to make him feel loved, and then do
it.
2.
I also noticed that you said that you celebrated your
25th anniversary and you planned a weekend out of town. A married couple is no longer two separate
people living together. They are united
as one. Make plans together. Focus your thoughts on “we, us, and our” and
incorporate those terms into your communication. (We celebrated our anniversary. We planned.)
God bless,
Aunt Dara
Aunt Dara
