This
school year has been very trying for my husband and myself. We've been helping friends and family with
many favors lately, but now I feel as though I'm a wet rag being squeezed
dry. My mother's vehicle broke down some
months ago so every weekend or day off, I have to take her to run errands, pay
her bills, buy groceries, etc. At first
I felt happy to help, but now it has become a stressor for me because I have to
squeeze in all her errands plus my own. We
have three children and my life was already busy enough with them as it
was. My mom's solution is, "Why do
you take them to so many birthday parties?” and, "Why do you have them in
sports?" In other words, why do
anything for anyone else in this world, as long as I'm helping her? She thinks I'm stressing myself out by having
them participate in organizations and such.
I'm a little bitter toward her because I know my mom would not help me
or anyone else that needs help. She
never has. She's very selfish. I had to work the moment I turned 16 and have
had to support myself since. I'm only
thankful that my forced-upon independence taught me responsibility.
Additionally, ever
since my father-in-law’s girlfriend passed away, we've been having to help him financially. We were happy to help him at first, but now
it has become an annoyance because any extra money that we once had is
gone. My father-in-law doesn't seem to
care that we have our own bills, our kids' expenses, etc. We can't take a vacation or buy groceries
without him thinking we're loaded, when in actuality we live paycheck to
paycheck. What annoys my husband the
most is that his father has never been a giving, caring, or compassionate
person with him. When my husband was
young and his parents divorced, he chose to live with his dad. It turned out that his dad sent him away to
live with various friends and relatives, but his dad still kept all the child
support checks that came in from his mom.
When the time came for back to school shopping and my husband needed new
clothes, shoes, and books, his dad refused to buy him anything because he could
"never afford it.” So at a young
age, my husband had to start finding ways to make his own money to support
himself. We met and married young but
have been blessed that we have always been able to support ourselves, without
our parents' help but with God's help.
Throughout our 20 years of marriage, we have always put all our faith in
Him and recognize that without Him, we wouldn't be where we are today. We give Him all the glory and praise.
In addition to helping
our parents out, I have a couple of friends who have been needing our help this
year. Again, we are happy to help people
when we are able to do so. However,
lately I feel as if we are being taken advantage of. One friend leaves her kids with me at 6:30am
each morning so I can take them to school with my own kids. She has to rush to work from there. My other friend relies on me to pick up her
daughter from school at the end of the day, because she gets out of her job too
late. She either picks her up from my
house really late in the evenings or, if she picks her up in a timely manner,
she stays at my house chit-chatting until close to 10pm! I don't get to make dinner, do chores, spend
time with husband or kids, etc.
I
feel I'm at my wits end with all these people.
I have already had some minor meltdowns at home and start yelling over
the silliest things just because I'm so frustrated, tired, and stressed
out. As a Christian, I feel we should be
more like Jesus and help others with a happy heart. My dilemma is that I used to have a happy
heart when helping others, but lately I feel so angry and used. I just want us to run far, far away and never
come back! I don't have the heart to be
honest with any of them to tell them how I feel because I'm the type of person
that will do anything to spare hard feelings.
I hate confrontations. I've heard
the saying, "Be a blessing and you'll be blessed.” However, I just don't feel like I deserve
God's blessings because all I've come to do lately is just complain about
these people. Can you please give me
some advice as to how I should be feeling toward everyone? I feel wrong for having ill feelings toward
these individuals but I can't help it.
At
Wits End
Dear Wits End,
Let me summarize: Your mother is demanding of your time and
dependent on you for transportation.
Your father-in-law is dependent on your money to meet his living
expenses. Your friends depend on you to
provide free babysitting and they interfere with your ability to meet the needs
of your own family. You don’t have any
time for yourself, your husband, or your children. You feel as if you are being squeezed dry and
would like to run far, far away. You are
at your wits end and feel stressed, tired, frustrated, and angry, and so you
end up yelling over minor things.
Conclusion: You feel as if you
are being used because you are being used, and those negative feelings are the
natural result of stress from being taken advantage of.
While it is true that Christians
are to follow Jesus’ example and do good to others (Acts 10:38, Galatians
6:10), it appears that you have taken this to the extreme and are wearing
yourself out in trying to help others.
Jesus frequently took breaks from teaching the multitudes and healing
the sick so that He could meet His own needs (Luke 5:15-16). The Bible instructs us to be temperate in all
things (1 Corinthians 9:25, 1 Timothy 3:11), which means to show moderation, to
have self-restraint, and to do things within a reasonable limit. That even includes doing good works within a
reasonable limit, and the Bible warns us that we will destroy ourselves if we
do not (Ecclesiastes 7:15-16). The Lord
never intended for us to allow ourselves to be used or to do so much for others
that we totally wear ourselves out and neglect our own family and our own
needs.
It appears as if you believe that
to be like Jesus you must help everyone, so therefore you must not turn down a
request for help. Jesus recognized when
people were trying to take advantage of Him and did not give them what they
wanted (John 6:22-27). He did not always
respond to requests and He set conditions for the people He helped (Matthew
15:21-28). Additionally, God does not
always give us what we ask for in prayer and sets conditions for His blessings
(John 9:31, James 1:5-8, James 4:3, 2 Corinthians 12:7-9). Therefore, if God can deny requests and set
limits and conditions for what He does for people, then we can do the same. You have the right to set appropriate limits
and conditions with others, and you have the right to turn down requests. It is okay to tell your friend that she must
pick up her child by a certain time. It
is okay to tell her that it’s time for her to leave because you need to cook
dinner for your family. It’s okay to set
limits for your mother and father-in-law.
Are you actually helping these
people, or are you fostering dependency?
Helping means that you render assistance, and inherent in this definition
is the understanding that such aid is temporary until the person no longer
needs assistance (2 Corinthians 8:11-14).
If the person is not moving toward gaining independence, it ceases to be
“receiving help” and becomes a reliance or dependency on the giver. What effort has your mother made to repair
her car or to obtain other means of transportation? What effort has your father-in-law made to be
able to manage his expenses on his own?
What would they do without you?
If you were no longer able to provide transportation for your mother or
give money to your father-in-law, what would they do? It appears that you are no longer helping
your mother and father-in-law. They have
become dependent on you and you are supporting them. If you continue to provide transportation and
money to them, they will have no motivation to work toward becoming
independent. Your first responsibility
is to your own family—to your husband, children, and home. You and your husband need to have an honest
discussion with each other to come to an understanding of what changes need to
be made to set reasonable limits with them to reduce your burden and stress.
God bless,
Aunt Dara