Dear Aunt Dara,
A guy friend and I used to talk a lot, but now he says he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He started talking to me initially because he wanted me to have sex with him with no strings attached. I told him I wasn't interested in that and he agreed. We always stayed friends and I even went out with him a couple of times, but nothing sexual ever happened. A couple of weeks ago he confessed to me that he has been scared to enter into a relationship because he has never been successful in them. He told he was ready for one now and he seemed very interested to talk to me. However, my dad saw previous text messages that he sent me on my phone that had sexual content in them and decided to have a talk with his father that same day. My father told his father that “he needs to teach his son how to respect women." My friend told me that he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. He said that I should take care of myself and told me goodbye.
I still think about
him almost every day. I am trying my
best to focus on myself but he always pops into my mind. I really still
want us to be friends, but I don't want to get burned if I try to talk to him. I have this strong urge to speak to him and
apologize for what happened. I didn't
mean for it to turn out this way. Should
I apologize to him? If so, how should I
go about doing it? Should I really be
friends with him? Was he really ever my
friend? Do you even think he likes me
enough to talk to me again?
Sincerely,
Wanting Friendship
Sincerely,
Wanting Friendship
Dear Wanting Friendship,
You asked my opinion about whether or not you should contact this young man to apologize and whether or not you should continue a friendship with him. My opinion is that you should do neither for the following reasons:
1. Your father does not want you to have anything to do with this young man.
2. The young man himself told you that he doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
3. You didn't do anything that requires an apology from you.
It's doubtful that you ever had or could ever have a meaningful friendship with this young man. I say this because his first contact with you was a request for sex. Men who respect women do not ask for sex first thing, and a man who does not respect women can never be a friend to a woman. You would be wise to use this as a learning experience and avoid getting involved with men of this type in the future. When your father found those text messages, he did what any other loving, responsible father would have done—he took immediate steps to protect his daughter. Your father did the right thing, and he is giving you good advice. Listen to him.
You asked my opinion about whether or not you should contact this young man to apologize and whether or not you should continue a friendship with him. My opinion is that you should do neither for the following reasons:
1. Your father does not want you to have anything to do with this young man.
2. The young man himself told you that he doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
3. You didn't do anything that requires an apology from you.
It's doubtful that you ever had or could ever have a meaningful friendship with this young man. I say this because his first contact with you was a request for sex. Men who respect women do not ask for sex first thing, and a man who does not respect women can never be a friend to a woman. You would be wise to use this as a learning experience and avoid getting involved with men of this type in the future. When your father found those text messages, he did what any other loving, responsible father would have done—he took immediate steps to protect his daughter. Your father did the right thing, and he is giving you good advice. Listen to him.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
PART 2
Hello Aunt Dara,
I do not know if you
remember a couple of months ago my dad got angry with a young man who wanted to
have sex with me and that boy told me he never wanted to talk to me anymore. Well he is now talking to me and the strangest
thing is he admits that what my father did was best for him. Also he seems way more interested to speak
with me and he even told me he wants to take me out on a date. The craziest thing is I am starting to get
very big feelings for him. What should I
do?
Sincerely,
Wanting
Friendship
Dear Wanting Friendship,
Thanks for writing to me again. I am glad to get an update on this situation, and I am glad that the young man has expressed recognition that your father was right. However, I want to remind you that men who are interested in sex will say anything they think you want to hear, so be cautious with him. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and his past behavior toward you has not been honorable. A person's true character is not what he tells you it is. His true character is what he has consistently demonstrated over time. Trust is something that has to be earned. Take it slowly and allow time for him to demonstrate that he has changed. In the meantime, I would suggest that you avoid any situation in which you may be alone with him. Don't allow yourself to be put into any situation in which he may seduce you or take advantage of you sexually. Also, just because a man shows you attention, that is not an indication that he is the right one for you. Lonely people crave attention, and predators can always sense that. Be careful. Don't let yourself confuse the good feelings you get when someone shows you attention with love.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
