My husband, Bill, has
been friends with Sherry for over 30 years.
When we began dating, Sherry and her husband and children lived in the
same apartment complex as my husband. She
would come to Bill's apartment many times during the course of our 1 1/2
year courtship. She was ALWAYS coming
over and she and Bill would go off and talk.
I discussed with Bill how much this bothered me and he would tell me
that she was his sister in Christ and he would offer her Godly advice on her
marriage and she would offer him Godly advice on our relationship. I told Bill that I thought this was
information Sherry should discuss with family members or girlfriends, not with
him. When we got married, things got a
little better as we moved into my house and Bill was out of the apartment
complex. He knew that I did not like Sherry
and did not agree with their discussing relationship issues with each
other. So, he limited how much he contacted
her. In May, Bill lost his local truck
driving position and went over the road. Since that time, Sherry's private contact with
Bill has become much more frequent—several times per month for the past 3
months. I was very upset when I found
out about this. I told Bill that under
no uncertain circumstances did I want myself or our relationship discussed with
Sherry. I know she tells Bill all about
her marriage woes. He has told me that
he does not discuss us, but I am not sure that I believe him. He has asked me to find forgiveness in my
heart and become friends with Sherry as this is his friend of 30-plus years and
his "sister in Christ." I feel
as though he wants me to become friends with her so that they get "my
blessing" to continue their private communications with each
other. When I ask what they discuss, he
does not want to tell me. I have discussed with Bill that if he does have
the need to talk with Sherry to do it when he is on home time and I am there
instead of in private when he is over the road.
He says that I am overreacting and that he sees nothing wrong with him
contacting Sherry or Sherry contacting him.
We are at a standstill on this subject and I could use some advice as to
what to do.
Thank you,
Not
Sure
Dear Not Sure,
Thank you for writing to me and
trusting me with your situation. I pray
that I can say some things that may shed some light on what may be happening
and perhaps spur some change and growth in the way that you may be interpreting
your husband’s behavior.
First of all, the Bible is very
clear that we need to have friendships with other Christians. We are instructed to confess our sins to one
another and pray for one another (James 5:16).
We are to be a source of strength and encouragement to each other
(Ecclesiastes 4:9-12), and we are to instruct and correct one another (Proverbs
27:6, 17; James 5:19-20). However,
nowhere in the Bible are we told that it is wrong for a man and woman to have a
Christ-centered friendship with each other.
The idea that women can only have female friends and men can only have
male friends seems to be based on the culture and time in which we live. The Bible gives examples of what appear to be
friendships between men and women. For
example, we know that many women followed Jesus during his ministry and took
care of meeting His needs (Luke 8:1-3), and some of these women were married. Jesus had an extensive, private conversation
with a woman (John 4). The apostle John
apparently had a close friendship with a woman, so much so that he wrote a
letter to her, the book of 2 John, and told her that it would be a joy for them
to talk face-to-face (2 John 12). We
even have an example of the prophet Elijah living with a widow and her son for
a while (1 Kings 17), and undoubtedly the two of them developed a friendship
while he was living in her home.
That being said, the cultural taboo
against mixed gender friendships is likely based on the human fleshly desires
that can easily enter into such a friendship.
Factors that make us more vulnerable to this temptation are (1)
spiritual immaturity and (2) an unhappy marriage. That is why Paul gave guidelines for how to
manage Christian relationships when he told Timothy to treat “older
women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity” (1 Timothy 5:20). We are to think of each other as family
members, WITH ALL PURITY, for we are brothers and sisters in Christ.
Regarding your
specific situation, it would appear that your husband is aware of the need to
maintain purity in this friendship, because he keeps emphasizing that Sherry is
his “sister in Christ” and he is honoring the purpose of Christian friendships
by offering her Godly advice. Hopefully,
your husband is encouraging Sherry to address her marital problems directly
with her husband so they can resolve them. Your husband appears to be
respecting your wishes by not discussing you or your marriage with Sherry, so what
reason do you have to doubt his honesty other than your own suspicions? Your husband persists in maintaining contact
with Sherry, believing there is nothing wrong with that. He is right.
He wants you to become friends with his friend, and you think it is
because he wants your blessing to continue his private conversations with Sherry. Perhaps he wants you to get to know her so
you will feel less threatened by his friend of 30 + years and less jealous and
suspicious of his friendship with her.
Before you married
your husband, you knew that Sherry had been his friend for over 30 years and
that they had regular, private communications with each other. To require or expect him to break off this
friendship or to try to set rules to control it (needing to know what they talk
about, forbidding private communication, and wanting to be around when they
talk) is being unfair to your husband.
This could drive a wedge between you and your husband and could result
in his increased attempts to keep his conversations with Sherry secret. Perhaps if you got to know Sherry, you might
realize that her more than 30 years of friendship with your husband might have had a
positive influence on his spirituality and helped to shape him into the man
that you fell in love with.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
