I'm praying about this and know things will work out but, I
could really use some additional advice. I'm 17 years old and have been dealing with my
parents divorce since I was 5. My
parents have a really extreme divorce case where they have been in and out of
court constantly for 12 years. I'm sure
in some lawyer’s office practically my whole childhood is documented. Recently I was using my dad's computer and I
accidentally saw that he had been looking at very vulgar pornography. I quickly turned away but I saw some pretty
mentally scaring things. Since he is my
dad and also a father to three daughters I felt disgusted, confused,
upset, and angry that he could do such a thing. It wasn't a one-time thing either. There have been many times where he has forgotten to
wipe the history and so it showed those websites when I opened a new tab. Since this whole thing is highly upsetting and
extremely awkward, I obviously didn't want to confront him about it. So I tried to forget about it and I did a
pretty good job, until it started happening more frequently and the images got
more vulgar. So one day when I was alone
in the car with my mom, I told her about it. It was really bothering me and I wanted to
talk about it and try to make sense of it all. I made her promise not to use it against him
in court, and to not tell anyone about it.
Part of me wants this to be fixed and for him to know that
what he's doing is disgusting and wrong and devaluing other people's daughters.
However, that is not a conversation I want
to have with him. Then a couple days
later when I was on the phone with him he asked me if I found anything at his
house that I was mad or upset about. I
had to respond quickly and I had no idea what to do, so I did something
terrible and I lied. I told him no. He asked, "Are you sure?" I replied, “Yes.” I felt awful to have sinned and lied, but I
still have no idea what the proper way to handle that situation would have been.
He also asked me not to tell my mom that
he asked me that question. I want to
tell her, but I don't think it would be productive. I just need advice. I'm also torn about whether to do
anything or not. This is an issue that
has always been close to my heart and I'm passionate about it. So, it just bothers me to my core that my own father
could do something like this and I am doing nothing to stand up against
it. How should I handle this the way God
would want me to? I really don't want this
all to blow up in my face, but doing nothing is eating away at me. Thank you for taking time out to read this it
means a lot to me.
Upset and clueless
Dear Upset and Clueless,
Hopefully your parents will have worked this issue out
between themselves. However, you have
asked for additional advice from me, and I do have some advice for you and your sisters.
You and your sisters should never have become
involved in your
parents' divorce, their apparent on-going
animosity toward each other, and their
continuous court battles. That your parents have placed you and your sisters in this situation is both harmful and
wrong. You and your sisters are NOT
responsible for keeping peace between your parents.
You are not responsible for fixing this or any other situation with your parents with which you have become
involved. You should resolve from
this day forward to refuse to be used as a go-between,
an advocate, or a peacemaker between your parents. You and your
sisters should never be placed in a position where you are pitting one parent against the other or made to
feel as if you are being disloyal to one
parent or the other. This means that you should never be made to testify in court against one of your
parents, nor should you be placed in a
position where you are managing the responsibility
for any evidence that one of your parents could use against the other.
As a psychotherapist, I work with a treatment team that consists of myself, the psychiatrist, the nurse, and the case manager. I tell my clients when they come in for therapy that what they tell me during sessions is confidential, but with limitations. I am mandated to report some things, such as child abuse or neglect. I tell them that if they are suicidal or homicidal, nothing they tell me is confidential at that point because I will reveal whatever is necessary to assure their safety or the safety others. Then I let them know that I work on a treatment team and I say, "I do not keep secrets from the treatment team. Anything that is important for other members of the treatment team to know, I will tell them, so don't even ask me not to." I tell you this because there is a difference between keeping things confidential and keeping secrets. The things that you and your family members are trying to keep from other family members are examples of keeping secrets.
Secrecy is very unhealthy and damaging to relationships, especially family relationships. While reading your letter, it strikes me that this situation could have been nipped in the bud if you had been honest with your dad the very first time that you saw porn on his computer, if you had told him what you saw and how you felt about it, and if you had asked him to take measures to prevent this from happening again. Hopefully, by now your father has been alerted that his secret sin is no longer secret, and he has repented, or at the very least is doing something to protect his daughters, such as not letting his daughters use his computer or getting a different computer for his daughters to use. In any case, you should stop participating in family secrecy. You should let both parents know that from this day forward you will no longer keep things secret from the other parent, and you need to stop asking them to keep secrets.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
As a psychotherapist, I work with a treatment team that consists of myself, the psychiatrist, the nurse, and the case manager. I tell my clients when they come in for therapy that what they tell me during sessions is confidential, but with limitations. I am mandated to report some things, such as child abuse or neglect. I tell them that if they are suicidal or homicidal, nothing they tell me is confidential at that point because I will reveal whatever is necessary to assure their safety or the safety others. Then I let them know that I work on a treatment team and I say, "I do not keep secrets from the treatment team. Anything that is important for other members of the treatment team to know, I will tell them, so don't even ask me not to." I tell you this because there is a difference between keeping things confidential and keeping secrets. The things that you and your family members are trying to keep from other family members are examples of keeping secrets.
Secrecy is very unhealthy and damaging to relationships, especially family relationships. While reading your letter, it strikes me that this situation could have been nipped in the bud if you had been honest with your dad the very first time that you saw porn on his computer, if you had told him what you saw and how you felt about it, and if you had asked him to take measures to prevent this from happening again. Hopefully, by now your father has been alerted that his secret sin is no longer secret, and he has repented, or at the very least is doing something to protect his daughters, such as not letting his daughters use his computer or getting a different computer for his daughters to use. In any case, you should stop participating in family secrecy. You should let both parents know that from this day forward you will no longer keep things secret from the other parent, and you need to stop asking them to keep secrets.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
