Dear Aunt Dara,
I've been married about two months. I am 19 soon to be 20 and my husband is 22. We are expecting a baby in a few months and I
love my husband very much. We got
married because we knew we were right for each other and the baby just sped up
our marriage date.
Here's the problem. Ever since we've gotten married, my husband
has been acting more and more like a child than a grown man! And today he got tired of me and just left the
house in my car. I've called him 5 times
today and texted once and he ignored me! To top it off, he left his i-pod at home
today and I looked through his messages (which I know was wrong). He has been messaging his child's mother (who
doesn't know he's married) very often and there are messages with lots of
hearts and smiley faces. They even say
they love each other or they miss each other! One said that they wished the relationship
could have worked out! These messages
were sent a couple of months to a month before we were to get married. What should I do? I've been praying and asking God for spiritual
growth for the both of us and protection of our marriage, but I feel that my
husband's faith is stagnant. The
messages make me feel that our marriage is built on lies.
Sincerely,
Feeling Deceived and Defeated
Dear Deceived and Defeated,
As I read your letter, I have to wonder just how committed
your husband is to you and your marriage.
It seems a little strange that he was sending these types of messages to
another woman so shortly before your marriage.
I also wonder how committed you are to making your marriage work, since
you seem to be harboring some resentment and negative thoughts about your
husband. Negative thoughts produce
negative attitudes, which produce negative behaviors, and ultimately lead to
negative outcomes. Many, many couples
divorce because one or both of them begin entertaining negative thoughts about
their spouse, focusing on their spouse’s faults, and dwelling on how miserable
they feel because their spouse isn’t making them happy.
However, marriage isn’t about what you get from the other
person—it’s about what you give.
Successful marriages are built on honesty, trust, respect, faithfulness,
intimacy, kindness, consideration, and affection. You can’t make your husband give you these
things, but you can make a commitment to give these things to your
husband. Furthermore, there is no place
for secrecy in marriage, because the Bible says that husband and wife are to
become as one (Gen. 2:24, Matthew 19:5).
Ephesians 5:22-33 instructs us in how husbands and wives are to treat each
another. You and your husband need to
have a heart-to-heart talk, being totally honest with each other, confessing
your faults to each other and forgiving each other. The two of you need to pray together regularly
for spiritual growth and for your marriage.
That child that you will soon be bringing into the world deserves to
have two parents who love God and love each other.
Unfortunately, the other woman will always be a part of your
lives because she and your husband share a child. However, your husband must not place himself
in a position where he will be tempted into sin, and he should immediately stop
communicating with her in secret.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
