Dear Aunt Dara,
About this time last year, I discovered my
wife had been having an affair with another man for two years. My wife has always claimed to be a Christian
woman and has always been active in the church, same as myself. She seemed sincerely repentant for her
actions, and because we have young children we decided to try to work it out. I still struggle to trust her, and while I
don't believe she has had any further incidents of unfaithfulness, I recently
discovered that there were some things she lied to me about regarding the
affair. Most disturbing was that she had
this man in our house while I was at work and the kids were
"hopefully" sleeping. I let
her know that I found out she’d lied about his being in the house, and she just
got angry that I was bringing up the past.
She said she had already repented and that I just need to leave the past
in the past.
I have several questions I need help with.
First, should I even have brought this
new revelation up, or are any new facts from the past meaningless? Second question is, since I know who this guy
is, would it be right for me to talk to him? Part of me just wants him to know that I know
what he did. Lastly, I often question my
wife's faith. Can she really be a
Christian woman and do what she did? I
know it's been over a year, but I am struggling to believe she can stay
faithful based on the intensity of her affair and what she was willing to do at
that time, even though I do believe she has been faithful since then. I know that some if these issues are better
suited for therapy, but I just want a Christian perspective on my thoughts from
someone who doesn't know either person and is unbiased.
Struggling Husband
Dear Struggling Husband,
Dear Struggling Husband,
First of all, I want to validate
your feelings. Considering what you have
told me, it is perfectly understandable that you are struggling to trust your
wife again. You were lied to and cheated
on by the one closest to you that you trusted.
Next, I want to commend you for forgiving your wife and working on
keeping your marriage together. I believe
that God is pleased with your decision to do so.
To answer your questions, adultery
and lying are two separate things, so I think that it was reasonable for you to
address the lies, and she should be repentant of that sin also. However, what good would be accomplished by
talking to the other man? If it is just
to let him know that you know what he did, that will just make the situation
worse. Even if your motives were pure,
confronting your wife’s ex-lover is not a good idea and could be very
risky. In this matter, I agree with your
wife—let the past stay in the past. Concentrate
on rebuilding your relationship with your wife and put the thoughts about the
other man out of your mind. You and your
wife may need to have marital counseling with your pastor or a Christian
counselor to get past this. And don’t
try to determine if your wife is really a Christian woman. We are all just weak human beings who mess up
all the time and do things that we deeply regret later. Read Psalm 103:8-14 and think about the
things that its writer David did.
I pray the best for you and your family. God bless,
Aunt Dara
