Let me just start off
by explaining that I have a very strong Christian faith and have firm morals
that I stick to and always have stuck to. What I mean by that is I believe in
abstinence, and I am pure and intend to stay that way until marriage. My boyfriend is also a godly man and wants to
wait to have sex until marriage. However,
just a few months ago before he and I were together, he lost his virginity to a
woman he wasn't even dating, and before that he lived a life full of oral sex
and hanging around slutty women.
His past has just come
up in our relationship and it really bothers and disturbs me that he lived that
type of lifestyle, and especially since it was so recent. I am so bothered by this that I will cry about
it for hours and it breaks my heart to know that if he and I were to get
married, he would always be my first and my only, but I would always be the
last on the list for him.
His past isn't
something that he thinks is not a big deal and just brushes off his
shoulder. He very much regrets losing
his virginity and it kills him to see how hurt I am over it all. It helps me that he at least regrets those
decisions and has now developed a good set of morals and a closer relationship
with God after going through that and hating himself for it, but it still does
not erase his past which is what I wish could happen. I know that this life of his is in the past
and people say to never judge a person based on their past, but it was so
recent and I just cannot bring myself to approve of it and overcome it at the
moment. One day I will feel so in love
with this man and want to marry him, and then the next day I will think about
this and feel that I don't want this in a husband.
What do you suggest I
do to try to overcome this? If it
bothers me this badly, do I break up with him although I’m already invested in
our relationship? Or are there steps
that I, or we, can take to help me move past this? Any help would be very much appreciated!
Sincerely,
In Love with the Un-pure
Dear In Love with the Un-pure,
Several things stood out to me as I read your letter
multiple times. You said that your
boyfriend is “a godly man who wants to wait to have sex until marriage.” You said that he “lived a life full of oral
sex” and then he “lost his virginity to a woman he wasn’t even dating” and he
“very much regrets losing his virginity.”
You said, “It kills him to see how hurt I am over it,” and twice you
said, “It was so recent.” Additionally,
you said that you cannot bring yourself to approve of it.
First of all, one should never approve of
sinful behavior! Furthermore, God does not distinguish which types of sexual activity
constitute fornication. Oral sex is
still sex. He lost his virginity long
before his actions led to penetration with the other woman. You indicate that he regrets the incident
involving penetration, but does he regret having lived a life full of oral
sex? Furthermore, does he regret his
actions because he knows they were sins against God, or does he regret his
actions because it kills him to see how hurt you are over it all? To put it plainly and simply, godly men do
not live a lifestyle full of sinful actions that displease God. You say that he now has “developed a good set
of morals and a closer relationship with God,” and that may be true, but only
time can tell. However, you should not
automatically assume that if you marry him you will be his next and his last,
no matter what he promises you.
At the heart of your concerns is not how to put this behind,
but rather how you can go forward with this man. You are correct in being concerned that “it
was so recent,” because it was just a few months ago and you have only been
together for a short time. True
repentance is evident by consistency over time.
Give this relationship several more months to observe his behavior for
evidence that he truly has become a godly man.
Consider, too, that if a man wants to win a woman’s heart, he can say
and do anything that he believes she wants to hear. Then after he thinks that the woman is
committed to him, he will stop trying to woo and impress her and will let his true
self come out. (Women can do the same
thing when they are trying to win a man’s heart.) That is why so many new marriages fail
because people have rushed into marriage before they have had time to get to
know the real person behind the charming persona. Then they wake up some morning and think,
“Where is the person I married? He
changed!” To prevent that, it’s best not
to marry anyone until you have been together for at least a year. If, after a year, he has demonstrated godly
morals and character, if he has become the kind of man that you would feel
comfortable having as a husband and father for your children, then it will be
much easier to forget his past and to trust him when he promises that he will
always be faithful to you.
Finally, you are crying a lot because you are grieving the
loss of your dream to have a husband who is sexually pure. Remember that the Bible says, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away;
behold, all things have become new”
(II Corinthians 5:17). The blood of Christ cleanses us from all sin, just as if it never happened. It is possible to have a good marriage with someone who has an impure past, but has repented of his sin and is living a life pleasing to God. However, don’t rush into anything until your boyfriend has proved the sincerity of his repentance and has earned your trust.
(II Corinthians 5:17). The blood of Christ cleanses us from all sin, just as if it never happened. It is possible to have a good marriage with someone who has an impure past, but has repented of his sin and is living a life pleasing to God. However, don’t rush into anything until your boyfriend has proved the sincerity of his repentance and has earned your trust.
God bless,
Aunt Dara