Part One:
Dear Aunt Dara,
I am struggling with
what to do regarding a friendship.
About a year ago, I
went to her because she had hurt me and I wanted to talk about it. She did not think that she had done anything
wrong and started to say all sorts of cruel and unkind things to me. I reacted and we both ended up saying some
very unkind and mean things to each other.
Two days later, she
wrote an email to my husband complaining about me, but accidentally sent it to
me. I looked at this as a sign to start
the reconciliation process, by taking responsibility for my part in the
argument. I told her that I was sorry
for what I had said and knew that it was wrong. She wrote back telling me how hurt she was and
all that is wrong with me. I wrote again
and suggested that we get together to talk. She agreed to meet. I suggested a meeting place, but by now I was
wondering if she would ever admit her part in the argument, so I went into more
detail of some of my character flaws and areas where I was asking God to help
me grow. I admitted that these flaws
were what caused me to lash out at her and asked her forgiveness. I also wrote that I wanted to continue the
relationship but could only see this happening if we both acknowledged the
areas in which we hurt each other.
She wrote back saying
that she appreciated my email, but at no point did she mention her part in the
argument. We met and the first thing she
said to me was I was late, when I was not. I had been waiting at the appointed place and
time. She came 20 minutes late and said
that she didn’t see me. She then started
to ask me about my life,( how is your son, how is your husband, are you going
on vacation?....those kind of questions). But she didn’t mention the argument. Since I had already stated where I had gone
wrong and asked forgiveness in an email, I didn’t see any reason for hashing it
over again and was waiting for her to admit where she had hurt me. After an hour of us talking she showed no
signs of talking about our relationship. So I said, “Are we alright?” She said, “Yes.” I didn’t see the point of forcing her to admit
her faults or ask for an apology when she clearly had not given it much
thought. So we said our good-byes and
parted very amicably. I decided at that
point to forgive and learn from it. But
I also did not see how I could continue in the relationship, as I felt it would
be unhealthy for me. I discontinued
contact and so did she.
A year has gone by and
we have not spoken. Today, we ran into
each other and she was very friendly and wanted to get together. I do not see how I can have her as a friend
when I still feel there is unfinished business between us. If I raise the issue with her, I don’t think
that she will want to admit to any wrong on her part. I am afraid also if I mention it that it will
just get her angry and I will expose myself to more of her hurtful words.
What should I do?
A Friend
Dear Friend,
Few people can hurt us as much as a friend who is not supportive
of our feelings. I am sorry that it
seems as if your friend is not being sensitive to your needs and is blaming you
for the problems in your relationship. She
has hurt you over and over, and appears to have no remorse for doing so. Additionally, sending a negative e-mail to
your husband could have caused problems for your marriage. I would like to commend you for going to her
directly about the things that she said that hurt you and for acknowledging
your part in hurting her and asking for her forgiveness. That is all that you could have done to
repair this relationship. However, when
you have done all that you can do, that is all that you can do. It is no longer up to you to maintain the
relationship. That she has not contacted
you for a year is a revealing sign that maintaining a friendship with you is a
low priority for her. Keep in mind that
whenever somebody says, “Let’s get together sometime,” they often do not really
mean it. That’s just something polite to
say when you haven’t seen someone for a long time.
You did well in deciding to forgive her and to consider this
a learning experience. You are showing
wisdom in backing off from the relationship and being hesitant to renew a
friendship with someone who shows no remorse for hurting you multiple times and
shows no evidence of repentance. Do not
expect her to ever acknowledge her part in the problems between the two of
you. Perhaps someday she will be willing
to apologize to you, but likely she may not.
I would suggest that you let go of the past, keep praying for her, but
keep your contact with her minimal and conversations with her on a superficial
level.
God bless,
Aunt Dara
Part Two:
Dear Aunt Dara,
Thank you very much for your response. You confirmed to me that I have taken the right
course in discontinuing the friendship.
Running into her after a year has stirred up
some anxiety and I was wondering what to say if she called or kept asking to
get together. I know you said that she
may have just said that to be polite, but she is a very forceful person and she did ask us to sit and
have coffee with them when we ran into them. I made up an excuse and said that we had
another commitment and had to get home. May
I please ask you for your opinion on what to say if she does ask or suggests
again to get together?
She and her husband have started to come to our
church and I expect that we will run into each other again. Do I just make up excuses, ignore her suggestions
to get together, or tell her why I don't think that a friendship with her will
work? If I make up excuses or ignore her
suggestions, I feel dishonest, but if I tell her the reason that I don't think
the friendship will work when she has shown no regard for my feelings, I think
she will deny that she has done anything wrong and I will open up myself to an onslaught
of insults. The reason I think that she
will do this is because this has been her pattern in the past and this is how
she treats her own husband.
Also we very much like her husband. He and my husband got along very well and we
enjoyed them as a couple. But now that
this has happened with us gals, everything has gone by the wayside. My husband has not contacted her husband out
of respect for me, but when we saw them the other day, her husband said to my
husband that he missed us. I feel so
badly about all of this. Her inability
to see her part in the breakdown of the relationship has caused us all to hurt
and feel sad about not getting together. I told my husband that if he still wanted to
maintain contact with her husband that it would be okay with me. But really, I think this will open up some
stress, as the natural course will be for us to eventually get together as a
couple or when the men are together, she may want to get together for a walk or
coffee as we use to do in the past.
I am sorry for all these questions. I really would appreciate your help in giving
me a good verbal response to her that would end her requests and keep me safe. I don't want to stop going to our church in
anticipation of running into her again. It is a very good church, but the thought of
running into her has created a lot of anxiety in me.
Thank you for your kindness and understanding
towards me and my situation.
A Friend
Dear Friend,
I can appreciate
how uncomfortable this situation must be for all of you, especially since they
are now attending your church and future contact with them is inevitable.
You are doing well in letting your husband know that you are okay with his
continuing a friendship with her husband, but you should not feel pressured
into renewing your friendship with her as a result. Let your husband know
that you do not want to get together with them as a couple, and he should
support you in that decision and avoid any situation that would place the four of
you together.
If she invites you to get together with her
again, do not make up an excuse. Just decline graciously without giving
any reason. Here are some suggestions for how to respond:
"Thanks, but not today."
"No thank you, but thanks for the
invitation."
"It's kind of you to ask, but I'll have to
decline."
If she persists in asking, or starts asking you
why you are declining the invitation, say, "I love you as a sister in
Christ, but we have grown apart and I am not interested in renewing our
friendship at this time." If she questions why, just say, "I
have good reasons, but they are personal." If she keeps trying to
get you to explain, use the broken record technique. (Keep repeating, "I
have good reasons, and they are personal.”) Don't let her pressure you into
divulging the reasons. You have already addressed the reasons with her,
and
bringing it up again will serve no good purpose.
It would just give her something to argue with you about and will open up
the opportunity for her to further attack you.
Keep praying for her!
God bless,
Aunt Dara
Dear Aunt Dara,
WOW! Thank you so much! The responses that you suggested are perfect
and I am very comfortable with all of them. Thank you very much for your support, in all
of this. It has really helped me and I
no longer feel anxious.
God bless you!
Dear Friend,
You’re
welcome. Glad I could help. God bless you and your husband.
Aunt Dara
